


Back To You

by lotusk



Series: sukai fireflies au [1]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Drama, Fireflies, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Gay For You, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, Kissing in the Rain, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Romance, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Separations, piggyback rides because they're the best thing ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:27:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 48,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotusk/pseuds/lotusk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Not everything is about science, hyung." Jongin poked the centre of his chest playfully, just above the sternum.</p><p>"But sci-" Junmyeon never had the chance to finish his sentence as he sensed feathery currents of air and delicate movements on the skin above his upper lip.</p><p>"Don't move, hyung." Jongin whispered as he moved closer. Junmyeon felt trapped as Jongin's fingers brushed against his lips - faint as butterfly wings yet leaving a tingling trail that left him shaken.</p><p>"It landed on that mole above your lip." Jongin's voice was hushed as he uncurled his fingers to reveal a single firefly, glowing with a muted green luminescence.</p><p>"How do you know I have a mole above my lip?" Junmyeon's eyes were intense and slightly troubled as he stared at Jongin.</p><p>Jongin had never wanted this, had never wanted any of this. Of being painfully aware of Junmyeon and all he did. Of needing to see him and talk to him all the time. Of just needing him in a way he couldn't explain and could never show. In a sudden moment of madness, his heart thundering in his chest and in his ears, Jongin closed his eyes, put his heart on the line and said, "Because most days you're all I see."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**_PROLOGUE_ **

 

**Seoul, 2005**

Jongin let the receiver drop onto its cradle. He'd let the phone ring till it stopped and Sehun still hadn't picked up - that could only mean his best friend was already at the playground or on the way there. Ugh, why had Umma come home early? She hadn't been due home for two more hours. He could've gone to the playground and back without her knowing. Minho wouldn't have cared because he was too deep into Warcraft. 

"Umma! Sehun's already there. He's by himself! I can't leave him there on his own," Jongin begged. His mother had a harried look about her - hair in messy waves rather than the neat curls she'd left with in the morning. He felt a twinge of guilt for harassing her but he was a man on a mission.

"I'm only letting you go if Minho takes you. You're only ten, I'm not letting you cross that road by yourself. The playground is just downstairs from Sehun's block. He doesn't have to cross the road. Minho-ah! Take your brother! I have to get dinner ready." 

"Umma I can't! I'm studying for an Algebra test!" His older brother's disembodied voice was muffled as it wafted lazily through the closed door of his bedroom - closed as usual so Umma couldn't see him "studying" Warcraft, Jongin thought, making a face.

"Jongin, you'll have to wait till I have time to take you then, araso? After I get the jjigae on the boil." She instructed as she slipped an apple green apron appliquéd with cute cats over her conservative work blouse and skirt. 

"I'll try asking Junmyeon hyung first, ok?" Jongin asked his mom who nodded distractedly as she peeled a clove of garlic and smashed it with the butt end of her knife handle. Jongin mouthed a quick thanks and jogged out the front door and over a few feet of smooth, slate gray tile before sliding to an abrupt halt at the apartment door right opposite their own.

* * *

"Umma won't let me go to the playground because I'm 'too young' to cross the road myself," Jongin rolled his eyes in annoyance, "and hyung is in a total Warcraft coma. He fed Umma some BS about studying for an Algebra test! Hyung! Studying for a test! He never studies! Are you guys even taking algebra?" Jongin asked suspiciously.

"Well, yes. But your brother must be taking some test the rest of the class doesn't know about."

"I knew it! The rat. That's why you've got to help me, hyung. Sehun's left for the playground already and he'll be there all by himself and he'll be waiting for me. And hyung insists he has no time so you gotta help me, okay?"

"How can you be sure I have time to take you, Jonginnie?" Junmyeon's eyes were wide but his tone was slightly teasing. Jongin knew that tone. Junmyeon hyung would eventually cave - he always did once Jongin started begging. Junmyeon hyung had always been much nicer to him than his own brother ever had.

"Hyungggg, pleeeeaaase?" Jongin was nothing if not persistent. 

"But I have homework, Jongin. I have to solve 20 Calculus problems - they're due tomorrow. I really don't have time today."

"Hyungggg ... Just for half and hour, I promise! Sehun's waiting for me and I can't leave him there by himself and hyung is being a jerk and Umma won't let me go myself. I was going to go on my own but then Umma came home. I've crossed the road loads of times to join Sehun - but don't tell her!" Jongin added in a panic when Junmyeon gave him a critical look. He felt a brief pang of guilt for exaggerating the Sehun-being-all-tragically-alone situation. There were usually a lot of kids there at this time accompanied by their moms so Sehun would most likely be fine - but Jongin had to get to the playground somehow so he decided he could leave out that bit of information. 

"Okay, fine. But only half an hour, okay? And don't go to that playground on your own anymore. It's not safe." Junmyeon sighed, shutting his lined exercise book and packing his pens and ruler in a nondescript navy blue pencil case before stacking everything in a neat pile on his desk.

"YES!" Jongin waved a triumphant fist in the air before throwing himself at Junmyeon in an exuberant embrace - squashing his tanned cheek against Junmyeon's bony chest.

"Whoa! It's just the playground, Jongin! It's not like I agreed to take you to Everland." Junmyeon chuckled awkwardly as he disentangled his thin, 13 year old self from the younger boy's equally thin arms.

* * *

"I told you to not to climb those monkey bars so fast." Junmyeon sighed. It occurred to him that he sighed a lot when Jongin was around - mainly because the boy was a walking magnet for all manner of mishaps.

"I'm sorry." Jongin sounded miserable as he clung to Junmyeon's shoulders. His left leg was wrapped securely around Junmyeon's waist while his right one hung limply on the side, "Sehun said I was too slow."

"Oh Sehun is a _menace_. Of the worst kind."

"He's my best friend." Jongin said a little defensively. 

"That doesn't change the fact that he's a menace." Junmyeon's voice was firm. He hitched Jongin up a bit when he felt his body make a downward slide down his back. 

"I can walk home, hyung. I can walk, you don't have to carry me."

"It's ok. You're not that heavy. Plus if I'm going to return you to your mom injured, she'll probably be less mad at me if I don't make you walk home with a sprained ankle."

"Hyung would have made me walk."

"Well, I'm not your hyung, Jonginnie." Junmyeon patted his hand comfortingly and Jongin buried his face in the warmth of his older friend's back. Junmyeon hyung was always so nice to him.

* * *

**Seoul, 2011**

Jongin gave the pavement a few desultory kicks of the right foot, gazing down at his All Stars which were like two vivid splashes of red against the dirty gray concrete. Then his eyes wandered to the playground which lay beyond the pavement he now stood on. They'd given the place a few coats of fresh paint over the years. Mostly blue and red when he was ten, the playground was currently sporting the most nauseating shades of mauve and lavender. Not that the putrid shades seemed to affect the kids' enjoyment, Jongin observed.

Random bursts of laughter and excited shouts rang out every now and then as children energetically threw themselves off the ground on swings and glided, arm over arm across the monkey bars. Unbidden, Jongin's mind ghosted back to that afternoon six years before, when he'd fallen off those same monkey bars and wrenched his ankle. His consciousness was suddenly filled with the strong, earthy scent of freshly cut grass which he remembered smelling as he had landed, horizontal on the ground.

At his yelp of pain, Junmyeon had run over to help, dusting truncated blades of grass off his already swelling ankle. Once he'd made sure Jongin hadn't broken any bones, Junmyeon had asked him to climb onto his back so he could carry him home. Ankle throbbing and dignity in shreds, Jongin had nodded and climbed obediently onto his friend's back. 

"Jongin, you ok?" Sehun's voice was small and quavery.

"Yeah. No thanks to you." Jongin answered sarcastically. 

"I'm sorry, Jongin. I um, ok, so ... IguessI'llbegettinghomenowseeyouinschoolbye!" And just like that, his chickenshit of a best friend had vanished while Jongin stared in shock at the spot where the scrawny, sharp-faced boy had been standing mere seconds ago. Readjusting Jongin so he was settled more comfortably on his back, Junmyeon shook his head in disgust as he muttered something ominous about treacherous best friends.

Junmyeon had given him a piggyback ride home for the first time that day. Things had been much simpler then, when Jongin was ten and oblivious and Junmyeon had just been his neighbor and kind older friend. 

Jongin kicked the pavement again.

Things had been much simpler. 

 

(From 'Clarity' by Zedd feat. Foxes)

_Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need_ [From: Let Me In by Save Ferris]

**Outside Seoul, 2011**

The gnarled tree trunk felt solid behind him as Jongin leaned tiredly against it, drawing his knees close to his chest. It was past midnight and he was no closer to sleep than when he'd come out here twenty minutes earlier. Insect chirps and whirs provided an oddly comforting soundtrack as Jongin inhaled the cool night air and rested his chin listlessly on his knees. 

His eyes drifted once again to the bright orange and electric blue pop-tent he was sharing with Sehun tonight. He could just make out his best friend's anything but faint snores. To Jongin's amusement, Sehun had begun snoring mid-sentence while regaling Jongin with all the minutiae of the lapis lazuli tower he'd built in Minecraft the day before. Honestly, Jongin would've fallen asleep mid-lecture if Sehun hadn't beaten him to it by falling asleep himself.

So instead of drifting into Sehun-induced slumber, Jongin had been left with nothing but the rhythmic noises of Sehun's snoring, and the loudness of his own uneasy thoughts as the two seventeen year-olds lay side by side in their olive drab sleeping bags. He wondered if Junmyeon and Minho were still awake. The light in the red and black tent had gone out fifteen minutes before theirs had so the two older boys were probably asleep. He sighed. Not that it made any difference. All he knew for sure was that he wouldn't be getting any sleep any time soon. The cause of it wasn't even Sehun's exceedingly loud snoring - it was something else altogether that was robbing him of rest. The knowledge that Junmyeon lay just four or five feet away from him simmered under Jongin's skin, unsettling him.

After another ten minutes of staring at the red and black tent, mired in indecision about whether to wake Junmyeon or not, Jongin finally crawled over to the untethered opening of the red tent and peered in. He could see the tops of two heads - his brother's much larger one, and Junmyeon's much smaller one. Minho's snores were obnoxious rumbles in counterpoint to Junmyeon's soft, discreet ones and Jongin couldn't help smiling. Junmyeon was just so much more low key than his extroverted and opinionated brother in every way. Reaching his hand out swiftly before he could change his mind, Jongin shook Junmyeon's shoulder gently. Junmyeon had always been a light sleeper and his eyelids flickered open almost immediately.

"Jonginnie? What is it? Did something happen?" Concern battled with grogginess as Junmyeon struggled to sit up in his black beanbag. His straight hair, always cut short, stood up in endearing spikes and his eyes were still fighting to stay open.

"Come outside, hyung."

"But I was sleeping, you idiot!" Junmyeon glared at him - wide awake now.

"Please?" Jongin took his smaller hand in his and tugged it insistently. Junmyeon sighed. He had never been able to resist Jongin's pleas even though he had never had any trouble saying no to his older brother Minho. He had never refused Jongin when they were both little kids and he certainly couldn't refuse him now when they were almost adults. Junmyeon had never really questioned why. It just was. 

"I can't believe you woke me up." Disgruntled, Junmyeon punched Jongin's shoulder lightly as they stood together outside the tent.

"Well you can try going back to sleep now - with that symphony presented to you in stereo sound." He pointed at Minho and Sehun who were both rattling loudly in their neighboring tents.

"You're such an asshole. You couldn't sleep so you woke me up didn't you?" Junmyeon punched him again. 

"I guess you could say that." Jongin grinned and Junmyeon flicked his forehead affectionately, calling him an idiot again for good measure. Jongin's chuckles filled the air - his laughter lines barely visible in the dimness of moonlight.

"I still can't believe you dragged me out when I was already asleep you dork. You know how long it takes to drift off once Minho's found his stride! I only managed earlier because I went to sleep while he was online with Jinri. Minho typing noises aren't as loud as Minho sleeping noises." Junmyeon groaned, yawning and rubbing his eyes sleepily - hands curled in fists as he dragged the backs of his index fingers over his eyelids.

"Weren't you chatting with Sunyoung too?" Jongin probed. Junmyeon had started dating his classmate Sunyoung the year before and it had been ... difficult for Jongin. Sunyoung was petite and pretty with a sunny personality and Junmyeon and her looked like they belonged together. It had been difficult for Jongin and no one had any idea - Junmyeon especially because Jongin had hidden it from him most especially. 

"I texted her after dinner."

"That's all? But when you like someone, don't you think of them all the time? Don't you want to see them all the time and talk to them all the time?" 

"Well, I guess that's true for some people but it's never been that way for me and Sunyoung. We're comfortable together, Jongin. Not really, y'know, intense."

"Comfortable, huh?" Jongin repeated slowly, his face pensive. 

"Why all the deep questions? I'm so sleepy I can barely even remember my full name. I can't do deep right now. Which brings me back to the issue of why the hell did you wake me up, Kim Jongin?!" Junmyeon placed his hands on Jongin's shoulders and shook them, but he wasn't angry at all and they both knew it. Years ago, Junmyeon had been the taller, but Jongin had surpassed him in height two years before. The younger of the two now stood more than half a head taller as he looked down at Junmyeon with a half smile.

"Fireflies, hyung. You always liked fireflies." Jongin said quietly and the other boy's hands slid off his shoulders as an expression of awe settled on his features. 

"I haven't seen fireflies in a long time, Jongin."

"I know, hyung. Remember when we caught fireflies that one summer?" 

"Yeah, sure I do." Junmyeon nodded imperceptibly as his thoughts started drifting back to that firefly summer four years ago ...

 

**Seoul 2007**

During the summer when Jongin and Junmyeon were 12 and 15, they had got into the habit of bringing their empty honey citron tea jars out to the field next to their apartment block to hunt for fireflies. Sehun and Minho had followed them once and firmly declared that prime time TV was way more riveting than traipsing around in the dark catching insects - glowing or otherwise. That hadn't stopped the other two, and Junmyeon and Jongin had faithfully ventured out once or twice a week to visit the fireflies. They always moved off to a darker area after catching a few so that they could observe the ethereal glow of the fireflies as they danced around in their transparent glass cages. After a few minutes of watching their erratic lightshow, Jongin and Junmyeon would always unscrew the jar lids and let the bugs go. 

One night in July though, two of the released fireflies had mysteriously flitted around the two boys instead of escaping to the safe haven of trees beyond the clearing. Lips held slightly apart, Junmyeon had raised his palms upward and Jongin had mimicked his actions. The duo of fireflies had moved jerkily through the air around them and eventually landed on each boy's right palm. Their skin tingled and buzzed wherever the insects crawled, and Junmyeon and Jongin eyed each other in shared wonder - their faces eerie in the greenish phosphorescent light. After a minute or so, the two insects had taken flight. Unconsciously, Junmyeon had draped his arm around Jongin's shoulder, and they had watched silently together as the twin fireflies disappeared into the night.

That had been their last firefly summer because three weeks into autumn, the workers came with bulldozers and diggers and began earthmoving work on the field. Not too many months later, a new apartment block stood where Junmyeon and Jongin used to hunt fireflies. 

 

**Seoul 2011**

"I don't think I've seen fireflies since that summer." Junmyeon's voice held a touch of regret as he broke out of his reverie and turned to face Jongin. 

"Come on, hyung." Jongin said mysteriously as he took his hand and guided him towards a clearing. Junmyeon allowed himself to be pulled along, frowning a little as he wondered when Jongin's hands had become so much larger than his. It seemed like not so long ago, his hand had been the larger. But Jongin's hand dwarfed his now as his long fingers wrapped securely and warmly around Junmyeon's shorter ones.

Before he knew it, they were standing amidst hundreds and hundreds of fireflies. The tiny points of cool green light hovered and floated around the clearing and Junmyeon was filled with the same kind of wonder he'd felt all those years ago. Jongin abruptly stopped moving and Junmyeon almost walked into him.

"Why are we stopping?"

"Shhh. I want to try something." Jongin lowered himself onto the ground, and pulled Junmyeon down beside him. 

"What are we doing, Jongin?" Junmyeon eyed him suspiciously. Jongin just gave him an enigmatic smile before stretching his legs out and lying down on the ground. It had been blistering that day so the grass beneath them was only slightly damp. Junmyeon lay beside Jongin and he could feel the individual blades of grass poking uncomfortably at the sensitive skin of his bare arms as he asked, "What are we doing?" 

"Just watching the fireflies go by, hyung." Jongin said simply in his low husky voice. Jongin's voice was so much lower than his, Junmyeon thought. He liked listening to Jongin's voice - it had always soothed him, even when Jongin had been a kid with a penchant for mischief. Junmyeon's eyes turned skyward and he sighed as he absorbed the ephemeral beauty of the luminescent bugs glimmering just a few feet above them. 

"Do you know what makes them glow?" Junmyeon asked.

"No, but I'm sure you're about to tell me." Jongin chuckled, nudging Junmyeon's side with his elbow. Junmyeon glared at him, taking in Jongin's caramel skin, his handsome features. His jaw had become more angular in past months, and his cheekbones were more prominent now. Sharper. Jonginnie was growing up. He couldn't make out the other boy's eyes in the moonlit clearing, but Junmyeon knew that Jongin's dark chocolate eyes were always gentle with soft edges. 

"Is that a roundabout way of saying I'm boring?" 

"No, hyung. It just means you like to share information and I'm happy to hear it." Jongin had his Jongin poker face on but Junmyeon could hear the laughter in his voice. 

"Brat."

"So what makes fireflies glow?"

"I'm not telling you anymore." Junmyeon pointedly ignored him, pretending to cover his eyes with his forearm.

"Please, hyung? What makes fireflies glow?" Jongin asked teasingly as he raised himself up onto his elbows and lay on his belly in a single, languid movement. Junmyeon felt inexplicably dizzy as he looked up at Jongin. Jongin who was so beautiful, with haloes of lightning bugs floating behind him. It must be the fireflies that were affecting him, Junmyeon told himself.

"Okay, fine, since you twisted my arm ..." Junmyeon gave Jongin a token censorious look before continuing, "Fireflies have these special cells in their abdomen which can produce light. The cells contain a chemical called luciferin which makes an enzyme called luciferase. And the luciferin combines with oxygen to make oxyluciferin which makes the light and the luciferase speeds up the reaction. Are you still with me?"

"Yes, hyung." Jongin answered obediently as he watched Junmyeon give his lecture, his eyes and hands animated the way they always got when he was talking about things that fascinated him. And his arched eyebrows and small pink mouth were as expressive as his eyes and his hands and Jongin could never resist staring at them. He wondered if Junmyeon had ever noticed just how much time Jongin spent watching him.

"So anyway that's how fireflies make light and the process is called bioluminescence." Junmyeon finally concluded his mini dissertation on fireflies and let his arms drop to the ground, palms touching the slightly damp grass.

"Erm bioluminescence sounds impressive and all that, hyung, but I prefer to think of fireflies as bugs that got sprinkled with fairy dust and that's why they glow."

"Are you serious?" Junmyeon's eyes crinkled in laughter, his pale skin luminous in the equally pale moonlight.

"Perfectly." 

"That is the most unscientific explanation of anything I have ever heard." Junmyeon shook his head in disbelief.

"Not everything is about science, hyung." Jongin poked the centre of his chest playfully, just above the sternum.

"But sci-" Junmyeon never had the chance to finish his sentence as he sensed feathery currents of air and delicate movements on the skin above his upper lip.

"Don't move, hyung." Jongin whispered as he moved closer. Junmyeon felt trapped as Jongin's fingers brushed against his lips - faint as butterfly wings yet leaving a tingling trail that left him shaken.

"It landed on that mole above your lip." Jongin's voice was hushed as he uncurled his fingers to reveal a single firefly, glowing with a muted green luminescence.

"How do you know I have a mole above my lip?" Junmyeon's eyes were intense and slightly troubled as he stared at Jongin.

Jongin had never wanted this, had never wanted any of this. Of being painfully aware of Junmyeon and all he did. Of needing to see him and talk to him all the time. Of just needing him in a way he couldn't explain and could never show. In a sudden moment of madness, his heart thundering in his chest and in his ears, Jongin closed his eyes, put his heart on the line and said, "Because most days you're all I see."

Stunned, all Junmyeon could say was, "Jongin, I ..."


	2. Part 2

**_CHAPTER 2: Let Me In_ **

__I've been watching you and all you do For quite some time Knowing all the ins and outs of you [From: Let Me In by Save Ferris]_ _

**Outside Seoul, 2011**

"How do you know I have a mole above my lip?" Junmyeon's eyes were intense and slightly troubled as he stared at Jongin.

"Because most days, you're all I see." Jongin had closed his eyes and enunciated the words quietly before flopping onto his back beside Junmyeon. Regret emanated from him in waves, and kept his shoulders tense as he kicked himself mentally for blurting out his secret. 

"Jongin, I ..." Stunned and struggling to deal with the unexpected confession, Junmyeon could find no words. And the truth was, he was still trying to come to terms with how deeply affected he'd been by Jongin's fingers barely even touching his skin. But he knew had to say something - he couldn't leave Jongin hanging after he'd trusted Junmyeon with the truth. The older boy finally settled unhappily for an inadequate and pointless "I don't know what to say."

Jongin continued to lie beside him, unmoving and unspeaking for a few more seconds.

"Please don't say anything, hyung. I never actually meant to tell you. Ever. Can we just ... can we pretend it never happened? Because I don't want things to be awkward between us. I don't want to lose my best friend. I mean I know everyone thinks Sehun is my best friend but I think you know it's actually you. So please hyung, forget what I said?" Eyes fixed determinedly on the crystalline stars that decorated the jet black sky overhead, Jongin continued to grip Junmyeon's right hand in his.

"But you ... I never had any idea. You never ... Does Sehun know?"

"I've always been very careful and no, no one knows." Jongin still held Junmyeon's hand in his and the older boy dragged his other palm over his face.

"I still don't know what to say." Junmyeon sighed helplessly, before asking, "How long, Jonginnie?" And the tendrils of trepidation that had wrapped themselves tightly around Jongin's heart began to unravel slightly. Junmyeon usually only called him Jonginnie when he was being affectionate or when he had his guard down. That he hadn't called him by his full name was a good sign and relief seeped through him slowly.

"A few months before you started dating Sunyoung, I guess. But it's ok, I don't expect you to say or do anything - I know you have Sunyoung and that this won't go anywhere and I just want us to be like we've always been. If I hadn't said anything, you would never even have known anyway. So can we forget it? Please, hyung?" Jongin was looking at him now, suddenly very young and insecure and Junmyeon nodded. He never had been able to say no to Jongin.

"Ok, Jonginnie." Junmyeon's smile had a faint air of melancholy about it as his fingers tightened around Jongin's, because he knew they couldn't be like they'd always been. How could they? And Sunyoung had asked him to go steady a year ago, which meant Jongin had ... More than a year and he still ... How could they be like they'd always been now that he knew? But Sumo knew he'd find a way because in the end, he didn't want to lose his best friend either. 

"So I guess we should catch some fireflies huh? For old times' sake?" Junmyeon forced himself to ask lightly as he reached his hand up to try and capture a firefly floating inches above his face.

"We don't have any jars though," Jongin's voice, too, had the ring of artificial cheer.

"Oh damn. I forgot about that. Next time we go camping in summer, we'll have to bring some jars just in case." Junmyeon said thoughtfully and the last tendril of dread uncurled its grip on Jongin's heart as he heard Junmyeon mention future trips.

"Hyung?" Jongin asked tentatively and Junmyeon turned to face him - an inquiring half smile etched on his face. 

"Thanks ... For not freaking out."

"Who says I'm not freaked out?" Junmyeon gave a nervous chuckle, and before he realized what he was doing, he had moved his hand slowly toward Jongin's head, and stroked the back of it like he often did. It was a brotherly gesture he usually made without thinking. But this time, this time, he was thinking too much. His head was swirling with emotions and God save him, none of them felt brotherly.

"I'm sorry, hyung. I wish I could take it back."

"Stop apologizing, Jongin. So, do you think I should major in Marine Biology or Ecology?"

"Seoul is really far from the sea, though, hyung."

"I knew I could count on you to give me completely useless advice, Kim Jongin." Junmyeon sighed in exaggerated frustration.

"Hey!" This time it was Jongin who punched Junmyeon's shoulder. And with a few more sarcastic remarks and playful shoves of the shoulder, they were more or less back to being like they'd always been. Or at least that was what Junmyeon and Jongin tried to convince themselves. 

 

**Seoul, 2011 ... Three days later**

"So something weird happened today." Minho announced matter-of-factly as he leaned against the doorjamb, half-eaten apple held reflectively in his hand. Jongin, who was trying to figure out how prefixes and suffixes worked, didn't look up from the page which had been laboriously covered in his neat but spidery scrawl. Frustrated, Jongin directed a focused blast of air at his fringe. He hated English because it was the single, most difficult subject in school and he had to bust his ass just to get by with B minuses. And he hated English even more when it was summer vacation and he had English homework assignments to complete.

"Dude, I said something weird happened today." His brother's voice was not exactly loud but Minho was around six feet tall and his tanned, good looks and charismatic personality usually made people sit up and take notice. To his eternal irritation though, none of these things seemed to matter to his little brother and it truly drove Minho mad when Jongin routinely ignored him.

"What happened?" Jongin finally asked, putting his pencil down. He knew from years of living with his brother that Minho wouldn't leave till he'd gotten whatever was bugging him out of his system. Jongin pulled his black spectacle frames carefully off his face and placed them on the table before rubbing his eyes tiredly. He'd started wearing glasses earlier in the year and they still took getting used to - the bridge of his nose felt pinched and the backs of his ears ached from the pressure of the frames. Thank God he didn't have to use them all the time. Now that Minho finally had his brother's attention, he took a huge bite of his apple and chewed it at a leisurely pace. _Typical_ , Jongin rolled his eyes.

"Sunyoung called me today." _Chew, munch, chew_. And Jongin held his hands up in an impatient where-are-we-going-with-this kind of gesture. 

"She asked me if she knew the real reason Junmyeon broke up with her. And I had to ask her, _Junmyeon and you broke up? What?_ So the phone call was pointless for her because she didn't get any answers, but thanks to that phone call, I found out that my shit of a best friend broke up with his girlfriend of one year, and didn't think it was important enough to share with me - his so-called best friend. Why'd he break up with Sunyoung?"

"You're asking _me_? I didn't even know he broke up with Sunyoung." Jongin's demeanor was ocean calm but on the inside, his emotions were practically a raging tempest.

"Well if he tells you first, make sure you tell me, ok?" Minho gave him an assessing look.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"If he hasn't told me by now, he's probably not going to say much other than _oh by the way, Sunyoung and I are over_.”

"Well, if he didn't say anything about it to you, there's no way he's going to talk to me about it. You're his best friend, not me." Jongin said dismissively - to which Minho raised a skeptical eyebrow. "If that's all hyung, I really have to finish this," he pointed at the work before him. Minho snorted in disbelief but he left soon after. 

Jongin waited till his brother had entered his bedroom and shut the door behind him before sneaking out of the apartment. He stood in front of Junmyeon's apartment door, index finger poised over the keypad. Should he knock? Maybe he should knock? But in the end he just keyed in the numbers he knew so well and pushed the door inward, calling out at the same time, "Hyung? It's me." 

Junmyeon was standing in front of the stove, steam curling around him as he turned around to face his visitor, "How do you always know when I'm cooking ramyun? I swear you must have planted a spy cam in here somewhere." The air was flavored with the piquant aroma of kimchi and Jongin's stomach suddenly started clenching - partly from hunger and partly from anxiety.

"Well, go grab an extra bowl and chopsticks, then." Junmyeon went back to stirring the saffron colored ramyun, watching as the kimchi stained noodles swirled around the copper pot in a comfortingly hypnotic way. Junmyeon wondered why Jongin had showed up. He knew it wasn't for the ramyun. It was never for the ramyun. It might be to ask him to go and watch a movie, or to go out for something to eat or drink, or to face off in a computer game or go for a jog or a game of basketball, or even just chill out and watch garbage in front of the TV - but Jongin never came over for just ramyun. 

Junmyeon had seen the nervous expression on Jongin's face though, and he'd known immediately that Jongin wasn't here for any of the reasons that normally brought him to Junmyeon's door. Sighing, Junmyeon switched off the heat and pulled on some bright orange mitts. Jongin had already put a cork placemat at the centre of the dining table so Junmyeon lifted the ramyun pot directly and transferred it to the table. Then Jongin started apportioning the ramyun into the two empty bowls - giving Junmyeon two-thirds of the amount. This was the ritual they always enacted when they ate ramyun together and the only things that ever changed were the flavor of the ramyun and the size of the portions. 

There was nothing but the sound of slurping noises for a couple of minutes. Then, Jongin balanced his steel chopsticks on the rim of his bowl and just watched Junmyeon eat even though he hadn't finished his own ramyun.

"Jonginnie?" Junmyeon finally looked up after swallowing the last spoonful of his ramyun.

"Hyung, why did you break up with Sunyoung?"

"Oh. That." Junmyeon put his spoon down, "I guess being comfortable with each other isn't quite enough to build a relationship on."

"But don't you love her? You've been together for a year."

"Well, a wise friend of mine asked me, if you like someone don't you think of them all the time, don't you want to see them all the time and talk to them all the time? And that's when I realized I didn't like Sunyoung as much I thought I did and that I wasn't being fair to her. So yesterday, I kind of ... yeah. She didn't cry much - I think she'll be okay after a while. And I feel sorry for ending things but at the same time, it was the right thing to do."

"Was it because of what I said that night? When we were out with the fireflies?"

"That helped me decide I guess. But Sunyoung and I have been drifting apart for a while now. And now that we're in different universities, it's even more work to keep things going. It shouldn't feel like work, right?" Junmyeon looked down at the kimchi flavored soup in front of him. 

"I guess so. But what about...?" Jongin tried to ask the question but he couldn't find the words.

"What about you liking me?" Junmyeon's eyes were soft as they gazed upon Jongin's worried face.

"Yeah, what about that?" Jongin's hands felt cold and numb as they lay curled in his lap.

"I can't do anything about that now, Jongin. You're only 17 and there's your mom and your brother and also, I've never um ... actually liked a guy before. I don't even know if I like guys."

"Okay." Jongin swallowed down his disappointment but at the same time, he held onto the fact that Junmyeon hadn't said an outright no, he did not like Jongin. Jongin could wait. He had always been patient. And in the meantime, it looked like he wouldn't be losing his best friend even though he'd stupidly told him how he felt about him. Jongin really couldn't ask for much more than that.

* * *

"So we'll grab dinner tomorrow and then watch the 8 pm showing of _X-Men: First Class_ , ok?" Jongin reminded Junmyeon and the older boy nodded. Minho wouldn't be joining them because he was taking Jinri to watch it at the weekend.

After a final "Don't forget your jacket, hyung, because you know how cold you always get at the cinema - even in summer." Jongin grinned and left. And suddenly the apartment was deafeningly silent as Junmyeon leaned back against the door. How had he become so aware of everything Jongin after the incident with the firefly when Jongin's fingers had just touched his skin? It had made him uneasy about touching Sunyoung when they'd returned to Seoul the next day. And with that, he'd known he couldn't continue with a relationship that had never truly set him on fire. He'd reacted more deeply to Jongin's single, brief touch then he had ever reacted to Sunyoung's caresses over the past year - and he had known unequivocably that he had to end things.

But that still didn't solve the issue of what he was going to do about how fast his feelings for Jongin were changing. Either way he looked at it, he was screwed.

 

**_CHAPTER 3: Longing_ **

_So let me in All that I wanted from you Was something you'd never do So let me in Oh please tonight Don't let this end Tonight I'll Fall _[Words from: Let Me In by Save Ferris]_ _

**Seoul, 2011 ... One day later**

Aside from intermittent flashes of light and momentary blasts of noise from the large screen before them, the cinema was enveloped in a secure, comforting darkness. Jongin had stretched his long slim legs out earlier and he now lay sprawled messily in his seat. Most of his attention was aimed at the X-Men movie but Jongin couldn't stop himself from taking furtive glances at Junmyeon who sat mere inches to his left. The older boy's eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, and his hands were gripping the seat arms tightly for some reason. Something must have been wrong with the air conditioning because for once, Junmyeon hadn't needed his jacket - leaving it pooled on his lap in a navy blue mound of fabric. Jongin couldn't resist Junmyeon's eyebrows when they looked so endearingly vexed, so he continued to surreptitiously watch his friend instead of reading the subtitles on the screen.

* * *

There was nothing wrong with the movie. It was a perfectly interesting and even gripping movie, but Junmyeon had been battling to find focus from the time the credits had begun scrolling across the screen, minutes after they'd taken their seats in the last row of the cinema. Jongin and Junmyeon had watched movies together hundreds of times - sometimes with Minho and Sehun and sometimes on their own. He had never had any trouble concentrating ... but today? Every time Jongin shifted in his seat or dragged his hand through his hair or chuckled at something funny on the screen, Junmyeon wanted to just turn and drink it all in - but he refused to surrender his self-control so he ended up gripping the hell out of his seat arms instead.

Junmyeon was utterly defeated though when Jongin whispered questions in his ear. His husky, velvety voice ignited warm sensations which crept sensually up and down his exposed neck. This had never happened in the past when Jongin had just been his much adored younger friend and Junmyeon hadn't been aware of him in a non-platonic way. How could a careless remark and an unexpected confession have made so much difference to their lives? And then there were the accidental electric brushes as the bare skin on Jongin's arm rubbed against the sensitive skin on the outside of his upper arm. Jongin's touches were innocently brief but that didn't seem to matter to Junmyeon's body as he felt an embarrassing tightening in his groin - which was the main reason why he wasn't wearing his jacket even though he could feel the chill seeping into his bones. Junmyeon had never liked the cold.

"Hyung, why are you frowning?" He could feel the heat from Jongin's mouth right up against his ear. Then he felt a fingertip caress his eyebrows gently, one by one until the crease in his forehead vanished.

"Am I frowning? I didn't realize that I was."

"You're shivering too. Are you cold?"

"No I'm not."

"You've got goosebumps, hyung."

"Oh." And then before Junmyeon could stop him, Jongin removed the jacket from his lap only to stop dead - the jacket sleeves still swinging gracefully as the garment lay suspended in mid-air. Jongin had to have seen the tenting of his jeans because he wordlessly placed the jacket gently back in Junmyeon's lap instead of making him wear it. Junmyeon grasped for words to explain what Jongin had seen but the younger boy was quiet as he curved his arm around Junmyeon's shoulders and nestled him in against the warmth of his body - his palms rubbing slowly against the skin of Junmyeon's arms as he chased the goosebumps away. Junmyeon was equally quiet as he let himself fall into the sensations as Jongin's warm hands glided rhythmically up and down - his fingers grazing the sensitized insides of Junmyeon's bare arms. 

When the entire cinema flashed white with a particularly loud and bright onscreen explosion, some of the light illuminated Jongin's body and Junmyeon found his eyes unwillingly drawn to the hardness in the younger boy's black denim jeans. Junmyeon looked away from his lap, but before he could turn away completely, his eyes met Jongin's as they stared right back at him. With steely determination, Junmyeon averted his eyes and tried to concentrate on the much abandoned X-Men Movie. He tried his very best to ignore Jongin's hands as they continued to work like a balm - slowly and diligently rubbing his arms so they both kept him warm, as well as fired all his senses. Junmyeon found himself sighing yet again. God, he hoped Minho didn't ask him for a review of the movie because he'd be lucky if he'd registered even 20% of the film.

* * *

As the cinemagoers poured out onto the street in an unbroken, cacophonous stream, Jongin grabbed Junmyeon by the shoulders abruptly and said he was hungry, _can we have fried chicken since there was a Kyochon outlet across the road?_

"But Jongin, we have to take the bus home. It's late."

"Please, hyung? I'm so hungry I'll probably start chewing on your arm if I don't eat something soon." Junmyeon took a second to consider what Jongin chewing on his arm would do to his state of mind and obediently allowed the boy to steer him towards the nearby fried chicken restaurant.

"What if we miss the bus? You're such a spoilt brat." Junmyeon complained as he watched Jongin work his way efficiently through a chicken drumstick, taking neat bites and chewing with his mouth closed like his Umma insisted on. Jongin wasn't a spoilt brat by a long shot but Junmyeon had always liked giving him shit about it anyway. He'd been calling him a spoilt brat since forever. When Jongin was younger, he used to chafe and whine that he wasn't a brat but he'd stopped protesting around age 12 when he finally realized it was just Junmyeon hyung's way of teasing him.

"Hyung, I wish you wouldn't worry so much. You worry all the time. And my hyung doesn't worry enough. You guys should work out some balance. I don't like it that you're always frowning. I'm sure we'll make it for the last bus and if we don't, well ..." Jongin shrugged philosophically, suddenly sounding all grown up as he set things out so logically. Then, before the older boy even had a chance to respond, Jongin chose an especially large piece of fried chicken thigh and placed it on Junmyeon's plate, "You don't eat enough, hyung. Please?"

"But I'm not hungry, Jonginnie." Junmyeon stared at the meat with as much enthusiasm as one would give to a bowl of impossibly bland, and hopelessly overcooked oatmeal. Jongin rolled his eyes and carefully tore a sizeable strip of meat off the thigh before offering it to Junmyeon, who took it quickly before Jongin decided to feed it to him in a public restaurant. He was sure he wasn't and wouldn't ever be ready for that. Biting into the meat unexpectedly activated his hunger and soon they were both contentedly eating the succulent fried chicken.

"Hyung, did Sunyoung call you today?"

"Yeah, she did. She wanted to know why I broke up with her."

"Why did you break up with her?" Jongin licked his fingers unconsciously as he asked and Junmyeon had to drag his eyes away. What was wrong with him? Jongin was his best friend of eight years so why was everything he did suddenly so fascinating? Frustrated with himself, Junmyeon looked down at his chicken.

"Hyung, why?"

"I told you, I realized I wasn't as into her as I thought and I couldn't see things changing for me and it just wasn't fair to her. She's having trouble accepting that that's the only reason."

"Well I can't really blame her since it was so sudden." Jongin's gaze was intense as he straightened his legs under the table and lined up his ankle right next to Junmyeon's - giving him a start.

"Jongin, I really don't want to talk about Sunyoung now." Junmyeon said firmly, and he moved his leg so it was no longer in contact with Jongin's.

"Ok." Jongin nodded quietly and took another bite of chicken - but he didn't withdraw his leg, leaving it where it was to unsettle his hyung. But he left his leg there mostly just because he cherished being openly close to Junmyeon in a way he couldn't before - back when he'd had to bury his feelings completely. Now that Junmyeon knew how he felt, there wasn't any point in hiding anymore. 

Before they were halfway through the fried chicken, Junmyeon and Jongin had managed to somehow find their usual easiness with each other. They'd danced the choreography of their friendship for eight years so the moves came to them naturally and instinctively. This, this Junmyeon could do without feeling conflicted and they were all smiles and laughs and elbows and nudges as they walked out of the restaurant and made their way to the bus stop down the road.

Only a few teenagers remained at the bus stop, looking jaded and completely done with life. It was a weeknight and most Seoullites seemed to have found their way back to the haven of their own homes. Jongin and Junmyeon sat on one of the two benches available. They leaned comfortably into each other's backs, with their knees pulled up. Jongin, being all long limbs and graceful lines, had braced his knees with the insides of his elbows - his hands clasped loosely together. He had been so gangly and clumsy only a year before, Junmyeon reflected, but Jongin had become accustomed to the ins and outs of his growing body and was now elegant and confident in a way Junmyeon could never be with his slight, thin physique and introverted demeanor.

Lost in his thoughts, Junmyeon didn't even realize their bus had arrived till Jongin shook him, "Hyung, it's time to go." His thoughts scattering, Junmyeon swung his legs swiftly so his feet could touch the concrete beneath them. Junmyeon got up to walk towards the bus, which was emblazoned with life size monochrome images of Park Min Young and Lee Min Ho, and the words 시티헌터 [City Hunter]. It was a series that Sunyoung was addicted to and which Jongin and him occasionally watched. He'd always assumed Jongin had been into Park Min Young but he guessed Jongin had never really been into girls after all. As he was about to take his next step toward the bus, Junmyeon felt Jongin's fingers wrap around his elbow.

"Jonginnie?" As he always did when he was taken off guard, Junmyeon reverted to calling him Jonginnie. Jongin only ever allowed his Umma and Junmyeon to call him by that nickname. 

"Stay, hyung." There was a note of pleading in Jongin's voice. 

"We can't, Jongin. It's the last bus home." Junmyeon eyed the bus nervously as two people queued to climb up the steps.

"Let's not go home." 

"But Jongin-" Junmyeon watched with dread as the bus doors closed and the vehicle began moving away.

"Stay, hyung." And as the bus slowly vanished from view and they were the only people left on the street, Jongin stood up beside Junmyeon. Holding his smaller, much paler hand tightly in his, Jongin leaned in close, his full lips parted. And as the summer dry leaves rustled in the trees and the street lamps and full moon combined to blanket the street in an almost golden light, Jongin kissed his best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**_CHAPTER 4: Desire_ **

 

**Seoul, 2011**

Jongin's eyes followed Junmyeon as he began walking towards the bus. Although Junmyeon's gait was even and never quite fluid like Jongin's own was, it was one of the things he liked best about Junmyeon - he could spend hours watching him walk, taking in his neatly curved butt and his strong, slim legs. But right now, he had to decide whether to board the bus with Junmyeon and let them return to their individual homes on their own, or to keep him here with him. _Together_. Drowning in indecision, Jongin finally closed his eyes and reached his hand out to catch Junmyeon's elbow. 

"Let's not go home," Junmyeon heard Jongin say but he was barely processing the words as he anxiously watched two teenagers climb the bus steps two at a time. He tried to move forward but Jongin's fingers held him in place firmly.

"But Jongin-" Junmyeon watched with dread as the bus swallowed up the two boys and the doors whooshed closed as the vehicle began moving away.

"Stay, hyung." And as the bus disappeared and they were the only people left on the street, Junmyeon groaned.

"Jongin, why? I don't have enough money for a taxi and that was literally the last bus!" Junmyeon turned to face Jongin - taking a step backwards when he found that his nose and Jongin's were almost touching. As he struggled to find his equilibrium, Jongin's warm hand slipped over his cold one, and the other boy took one step closer. Having cleaved right into his personal space, Jongin filled Junmyeon's senses and he reluctantly breathed in a clean heady scent which was part soap and part citrusy aftershave and everything that was Jongin. Placing Junmyeon's hands on his waist, Jongin moved closer still, and Junmyeon might have been the older of the two but tonight it was Jongin who led them in a dance where Junmyeon didn't know the steps. 

"Jongin," Junmyeon's breathy voice had barely formed the words before Jongin's lips captured his in a tender kiss that soon deepened as Jongin's tongue licked the edges of Junmyeon's lips, tentatively seeking entry. Junmyeon had never kissed a guy before and he felt like some part of him should have been freaked out by this but he was simply overwhelmed by all the pleasurable sensations flooding his body. Kissing Sunyoung and Min had never made him feel even a fraction of what Jongin was currently making him feel and Junmyeon finally let go of his inhibitions and parted his lips.

Jongin's hand caressed the nape of Junmyeon's neck as his tongue slid in with a sigh. Hearts racing, their tongues danced passionately with each other as their hands roamed feverishly over each other's bodies. Jongin pulled Junmyeon closer to him, lips still locked as he ground his hips against Junmyeon's. They moaned into each other's mouths at the exquisite torment the contact created and they writhed closer still - intensifying the heated sensations. Jongin had fantasized countless times about kissing Junmyeon but the reality was so much better than anything he had ever imagined. 

Tearing his mouth away from Junmyeon's, Jongin's breathing was harsh as he rested his forehead against the older boy's, "Hyung, you have no idea how long I've wanted ... waited to kiss you. But I never thought it would actually happen." Jongin's voice was even huskier than usual as he confessed and before the older boy could express any doubts or change his mind, Jongin began bombarding his senses with all the pent up longing and desire he'd shored up over the past fifteen months. 

Junmyeon never had a chance as Jongin rained kisses on his neck and breathed sensual puffs of hot air into Junmyeon's ear before nibbling on first one earlobe and then the other. He'd already discovered that Junmyeon's ears were erogenous zones from the way he'd reacted to his whispers in the cinema, and he wasn't giving Junmyeon any chance to escape. 

"Hyung, can I just-?" Jongin's finger traced his upper lip and stopped before circling the spot where his mole was - just above his lip. "I've wanted to do this for more than a year." Jongin told him quietly just before Junmyeon felt a moist tongue flick gently over the mole, circling it and licking it. And then Jongin was grabbing his hips and passionately kissing him again, his tongue exploring the inside of Junmyeon's mouth while the skin on the outside continued to tingle from Jongin's earlier ministrations.

With that, the last vestiges of Junmyeon's self control turned to vapor as he accepted that this was what he wanted. He'd always cared for Jongin more than he had anyone else - even his ex-girlfriends. He knew that now, because even in the past, he had never looked forward to spending time with them they way he looked forward to just hanging out with Jongin. And the time in the field with the fireflies had awakened latent desires for the younger boy that he suspected might have been there for some time. He had reacted too intensely to Jongin's touch. There were so many thoughts worrying at him, telling him it was wrong to do this but tonight, tonight he just didn't want to think about anything at all. Tonight he only wanted to feel. 

Inhaling deeply, Junmyeon pressed himself further into Jongin's arms and kissed him harder, his right hand cupping Jongin's jaw while the other cradled the back of his head. His head was swimming from the sensory overload and he felt an unbearable pressure coiling tightly between his legs as Jongin laved the sensitive skin behind his ear and tugged on his earlobe with his teeth. Junmyeon couldn't stop himself from nuzzling Jongin's neck, kissing him where his neck met his shoulder and moaning as Jongin's hips pushed into his and their erections rubbed urgently against each other through rough denim. When Jongin's fingers slipped under the hem of Junmyeon's shirt and splayed across his lower back though, a small draught of cool night air caressed his bare skin, making Junmyeon shiver, and his inner voice of reason finally broke through the sheer force of sensations that had been pummeling him since Jongin had first kissed him. Junmyeon came back down to earth with a crash, and he held Jongin's face roughly in his hands, voice full of worry and frustration, "Jongin, we're on a public street. Someone could see us. It's too risky." 

"Hyung, no one will see us." Eyes closed and impossibly aroused, Jongin groaned, dragging his lips across Junmyeon's jaw only to be met with resistance as Junmyeon stepped back and created distance between them, "But hyung, I want -"

"I ... me too, Jonginnie - but you know that anyone could walk out of the fried chicken restaurant or the 7-Eleven, right? Jongin, we can't. Not here." Junmyeon's voice was desperate and still threaded through with thwarted desire and Jongin knew he was right. Jongin had (mostly) always listened to his Junmyeon hyung so he stuffed all his frustrated lust and want into a box and willed his erection to go away. This had to be the worst case of blue balls he'd ever had. Junmyeon was still watching him worriedly, and Jongin looked down and noted with satisfaction that Junmyeon was still very much in a state of arousal himself. Even if they'd had to stop so abruptly, nothing could really dampen Jongin's joy that he'd finally kissed Junmyeon. He still couldn't quite believe that his hyung had kissed him back - and that he'd kissed him back with something that felt like much more than curious enthusiasm.

"My balls hurt, hyung." Jongin announced, deadpan, and Junmyeon burst into laughter.

"Mine too, Jonginnie. Mine, too" Junmyeon's smile reached his eyes as he slid his arm around Jongin's slim waist. Jongin couldn't help thinking it belonged there and he moved his body closer to Junmyeon's so that their shoulders and arms and hips touched. Junmyeon was wearing his jacket now so Jongin couldn't actually feel his bare skin - but he could imagine how the smooth, alabaster skin would feel against his own. 

"Hyung, this won't be the end of it, right?"

"I should say yes."

"But?"

"No." Junmyeon sighed loudly in resignation. Even he knew he couldn't withstand Jongin for long. Spoilt brat. And he should know for he was the one who spoilt him the most.

"But we really do have to figure out how to get home now. I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't have enough money for taxi fare. And it's late. You know the cabbies will slap on a ridiculous surcharge. And if we walk it'll take us an hour at least. How much have you got?"

"Umma is away on a business trip and Minho couldn't care less if I go home or not. So let's not, hyung. Please? There's a _jjimjilbang_ around the corner. I brought enough money for the two of us to stay the night."

"You planned this?!" Junmyeon sounded outraged and Jongin had the decency to look sheepish.

"I didn't exactly plan ... I hoped. I hoped I could convince you to stay." Jongin admitted and Junmyeon punched him in the shoulder like he had when Jongin had dragged him out of slumber when they went camping.

"Please, hyung?" Jongin asked again - clearly trying to hold back the laughter and Junmyeon glared at him in that not-actually-angry way of his.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows and took his phone out of his jeans pocket. First, he messaged his parents to say he'd be staying at _Je-il Jjimjilbang_ because Jongin and he had missed the last bus. It wasn't the first time he'd stayed out with friends at the _jjimjilbang_ so they wouldn't be worried. Much. Then he called Jongin's brother - glaring at Jongin the whole time he was on the phone. As Jongin had predicted, Minho could not care less that his brother would be staying out all night with Junmyeon. He was on a date with Jinri too, so he was in a hurry to get off the phone.

"They're probably making out. Jinri and hyung. Hence the hurry." Jongin stated matter-of-factly and Junmyeon felt his ears turning red as they began the short walk to the _jjimjilbang_.

"Hyung, you look embarrassed. Wait, are you blushing? Why? Does the idea of them making out embarrass you?"

"No. I was actually thinking about what happened just now."

"Oh."

"How did you know how to do all those ... um things you did? I don't remember you dating or anything." Junmyeon suddenly felt really self-conscious.

"When I was 14, my classmate Krystal Jung and I used to kiss sometimes when we did homework together at her house. I kept wondering why everyone made such a big deal about kissing because it didn't do anything much for me. You were dating Min then, and I wanted to ask you but I just ... I don't know, I just didn't ask you. And I don't talk to Minho about personal stuff and Sehun is ... Sehun. He's just spacey and not real good with people issues. And I wasn't going to ask Krystal because she would've gotten really pissy with me if I’d asked her why her kisses didn't turn me on. So I just let her kiss me for a while. Thank God she started dating her neighbor Kim Myungsoo about three weeks after we started experimenting and I could stop pretending that I enjoyed kissing her."

"You and Jessica Jung's sister ...? I never knew. But that still doesn't explain-" Junmyeon's words trailed off as he gestured helplessly.

"Remember when you got injured 2 years ago? You pulled your hamstring and you didn't go for Taekwondo training for about two months?" Jongin asked and Junmyeon nodded, a confused expression on his face. 

"Well, there was this 18 year-old blue belt in our _dojang_ \- from Yeongju High. He asked me over to his place after training one day - to 'hang out' and one thing led to another and well, he sure could kiss better than Krystal."

"I never knew you ... I never even suspected you were gay, Jonginnie. But then I guess I didn't know I was either till a few days ago. Do you still see that guy? Did you guys ... do ... everything?" Junmyeon looked like he was dying and Jongin chuckled, giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"We did a lot but ... not everything. I was 15, I guess? I wasn't ready. He was, but he didn't push me. We hung out for a few months but I stopped seeing him when I started popping a boner every time you touched me. And you touch me a lot ok, hyung?"

"WHAT?!"

"Calm down! It wasn't actually that bad - I'm just messing with you. Mostly." Jongin chuckled again, the low husky sound making Junmyeon feel things deep in his belly, "I realized it early last year, I guess, when I found myself watching you more and more and wanting to see you and be with you all the time. And not in quite the same way I used to. I started noticing things like the mole above your lip, the way you furrow your eyebrows when you're concentrating on something, the way you sigh a lot when you're doing Calculus, and the way you get those almost-dimples when you laugh. That's when I knew things had changed for me."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Junmyeon's voice was sad as they walked along the deserted street. His arm still hung loosely around Jongin's waist, while Jongin's arm was draped over his shoulders. 

"How could I? There'd been Min before and then there was Sunyoung. I was pretty sure you were straight. And besides, what was I supposed to say? By the way hyung, I like boys?"

"But I was your best friend - why didn't you trust me?" Junmyeon asked quietly.

"That just made it worse. If I'd told you, it would have made you feel awkward and I would have lost my best friend." 

"You wouldn't have. I would've dealt with it. For you, Jongin, even if I'd really been straight, I would have accepted it."

"But you'd have freaked out if I'd told you I liked you."

"If I were completely straight, I might have, I don't know. But I'm not, am I? You kept so many secrets from me Jonginnie. I should have asked if you were going through stuff. I wasn't a very good friend."

"Yes, you were. We talked about pretty much everything that was going on with me except that. And that was on purpose. I was really careful, hyung about hiding how I felt. I still don't really know why I told you that night with the fireflies. I never meant to tell you at all. But I don't regret it for a second." He laced his fingers through Junmyeon's briefly after he'd made sure there wasn't anyone around and let go once the gesture had been made. Getting caught wasn't something either of them wanted to deal with - Junmyeon had been right about that.

"There's so much we're going to have to work out, Jongin. But I'm glad you told me how you felt." Junmyeon's eyes and his words shone with sincerity and Jongin had to stop himself from whooping like a 12 year old even though he wanted to more than anything. But then he'd always been more mature than other kids his age because of all the time he'd spent with Junmyeon and Minho, growing up. So instead of yelling and jumping, he told Junmyeon he was glad too and could he hug him later when they weren't in a public place. 

"Yes, Jonginnie. You can claim your hug later. Promise." Junmyeon laughed affectionately.

"And maybe a kiss too?" Jongin purposely whispered in his ear and Junmyeon shuddered slightly as he nodded his head, _yes, a kiss too_.

And before they knew it, they were standing in front of the _jjimjilbang_. Automatically, they let their arms fall to their sides and Junmyeon reached his hand out to push the wooden door inwards.

 

**_Chapter 5: Just Lay Here_ **

_If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_ [From Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol]

Seoul, 2011

The thin, bookish reception clerk barely even looked up from the pages of the manhwa as he disbursed their locker keys. Junmyeon and Jongin had made countless visits to the _jjimjilbang_ together over the years, but there had always been Minho or Sehun or any number of other friends with them. This was the first time they'd ever been to this particular _jjimjilbang_ , and more importantly, it was the first time they'd ever gone to a _jjimjilbang_ on their own - just the two of them. It had Jongin positively teetering on the knife edge between anticipation and anxiety.

After Jongin had become aware of his less than platonic feelings for Junmyeon, he'd still managed to keep his attraction for him hidden during their many visits to the bathhouse. It helped that the two other boys had been around and Junmyeon and he had just been best friends. But that was before. Tonight would be entire worlds more challenging. As his mind kept replaying images of their intense encounter at the bus stop, Jongin became increasingly anxious: how would his body react to having Junmyeon naked in front of him? Even now he was getting hard and they hadn't even reached the shoe lockers. What if one of the other _jjimjilbang_ patrons noticed? He had to distract himself - maybe he could go through English prefixes and suffixes in his head ...

He felt a subtle pressure on his elbow. It was Junmyeon, asking him if he was okay because he looked kind of stressed. Trampling on his inhibitions, he whispered into Junmyeon's ear, "I'm worried I'll get a hard-on when we're naked in there, hyung. And the worst part is that I'm already halfway there." 

To his surprise, Junmyeon laughed nervously before admitting sheepishly, "Me too. But we can do this, Jongin. I don't really want to sleep on a park bench when we've already paid to sleep here. We just have to get from the clothes locker to the shower and then we'll be dressed and out of danger. We can do that, right?"

"I'm 17, hyung. I have no self control!" Jongin chuckled - relief soaking his insides as he felt the sharper edges of sexual tension ebb away.

"That's not true! You managed to keep it quiet for 15 months and I never had any idea. I'm more worried about myself, to be honest. I've never actually checked other guys out before. Y'know? Like seriously, Jongin, I've really never ... I'm still trying to figure out what happened with you." Junmyeon sighed a little helplessly as he unlocked the door to locker #442 and pushed his Nikes in - making sure both sneakers sat neatly next to each other before shutting the door quietly. 

"I managed for all that time because you had no idea. But now that you know ... It's going to be a disaster. I can just feel it. I'm going to get thrown out for indecent exposure. Lewd behavior." Jongin groaned as he shut the door noisily on his disarranged red Chucks. Junmyeon rolled his eyes and told him to stop being melodramatic.

"I am never melodramatic." Jongin gave Junmyeon the finger.

"All the fucking time." Junmyeon pushed his hand out of the way like he always did, but unlike before, his skin buzzed with awareness at the contact with Jongin's. He withdrew his hand quickly and tried to act casual, urging Jongin to walk faster.

Moving further into the caverns of the _jjimjilbang_ , they shuffled past several men - three middle-aged ahjussis and two twentysomethings. All were naked save for one sole aquamarine-clad ahjussi. Junmyeon had never paid any attention to the naked state of other men in the _jjimjilbang_ over the years, and he was relieved to find he was equally indifferent now. As far as he could tell, he seemed to respond only to Jongin. 

Junmyeon handed their shoe locker keys to the stocky, taciturn man behind the counter who gave them cheap soap and toothbrush kits, a set of clean and neatly folded standard issue shorts and t-shirt, and blue plastic keys attached to bands. The clothes were an alarmingly bright shade of aquamarine and Jongin flinched a little at the obnoxiously pastel color. 

Finding the changing area blessedly empty, they stripped as swiftly as they could, trying their best not to look at each other and mostly not succeeding. Junmyeon reciting the Basic Principles of Ecology desperately in his head as he glimpsed Jongin's long, lean flanks and taut buttocks in his peripheral vision. His skin was tanned and smooth as he bent over to remove his jean legs and Junmyeon watched the slim muscles ripple along his back and the backs of his thighs as Jongin straightened up again. How had he not been aware of Jongin's physical beauty before? He just couldn't understand how he could've been so oblivious. Junmyeon averted his gaze abruptly as he felt the incipient stirring and hardening of his cock.

Rifling through images of the past, Junmyeon found that while he had lucid mental portraits of nude 12 year-old Jongin and even nude 14 year old Jongin, he had absolutely no visuals of him from age 14 onwards. It was almost as if Junmyeon's mind had somehow known that his body wouldn't have been able to cope and so he'd subconsciously avoided seeing Jongin unclothed.

Meanwhile, Jongin was having his own struggles as he brutally reviewed and tried to memorize all the prefixes and suffixes on his English summer homework list - to no avail. Unlike Junmyeon, Jongin knew intimately what nude 20 year old-Junmyeon looked like. It hadn't been all that difficult keeping his impulses under control before - back when he hadn't known how soft Junmyeon's lips felt beneath his own, how smooth the skin on his cheek was to touch, how fragile Junmyeon's bony shoulders felt beneath Jongin's strong hands, how he moaned softly when Jongin's tongue flicked over his earlobe.

Too late, Jongin cursed his raging boner and his own stupidity for taking his mind and body where it had no business going in a public bathhouse. Fortunately it was late and they were the only two people left in the dressing area. He covered himself as well as he could with the pair of hand towels they’d grabbed and they walked quickly down the stairs to the shower area. Knowing anyone could walk in at any time, Jongin strode quickly to the showers, and turned the dial to the coldest possible setting. He yelped when the icy needles of water pelted his skin.

"Jonginnie, you okay?" Junmyeon called tentatively, his hand resting questioningly on the younger boy's broad, bare shoulder and flinching at how cold the droplets of water were that clung to Jongin's already cool, wet, caramel colored skin.

"I can't turn around now, hyung." Jongin's voice sounded pained - even to his own ears. His dark hair clung to his scalp, glossy and dripping as he tried to stand under the cold spray in such a way that his erection would catch as much of the soothing water as possible.

"Oh." Junmyeon said quietly before adding, "If it makes you feel better, I'm glad we're the only people in here too. I guess I'd better shower quickly too then." But Junmyeon could no more stop himself from watching Jongin than he could stop from drawing air into his lungs. His eyes watched intently as glistening beads of water rolled down the smooth expanse of Jongin's back, over his firm buttocks and all the way down the backs of his long, subtly muscled thighs. Feeling the heaviness pool between his legs, Junmyeon's arm shot out and released a shower of frigid droplets to put out the flames lapping at his lower body. Without warning, Jongin turned to face him and the stunning image of Jongin's beautiful naked body etched itself into his memory. Indelibly, Junmyeon feared.

"You ok, hyung?" Jongin's eyes flicked up and down, widening slightly as he registered Junmyeon's hard-on. He kept his expression as blank as possible but inside, Jongin had the biggest grin on his face. Junmyeon's body was exactly as he remembered: slender and fair with narrow hips, and a chest and legs that were thin but strong. Only one significant thing had changed, for that part of him which had always been at rest in the past was almost fully erect tonight. And Jongin couldn't help feeling a sense of pride that he'd contributed to Junmyeon's current state of arousal. 

"Hyung? You ok?" Getting no answer, Jongin repeated his question - a note of concern weaving itself into his voice.

"I will be." 

And as his body flinched from the cold, Junmyeon prayed that he was telling the truth and that they would both make it through the night without attacking each other.

* * *

Wearing the loose v-necked short sleeved tee and shorts helped. A lot. The aquamarine cotton was shapeless and baggy and comfortable from multiple washes and clung to no part of one's body. Perfect camouflage, Jongin thought.

The sprawling sleeping room was only half occupied so they didn't have too tricky a time navigating the sea of slumbering, pink and aqua-clad bodies that surrounded them. Some of the women snored just as loudly as the loudest snorers among the men, and Jongin shook his head in wonder.

They managed to find a nook in a slightly darkened corner of the room and Jongin quickly laid out two of the four blankets they'd grabbed earlier, and leveled them out - side by side. Meanwhile Junmyeon placed the two wooden blocks on the blankets, and they strapped their locker keys to their ankles before lying down beside each other. 

After they'd shaken out their second blanket and covered their limbs, Jongin turned to face Junmyeon, his left cheek pressed into the wooden sleeping block. He'd overlapped his blanket with Junmyeon's and his right hand reached out and found Junmyeon's left one under the covers. Slowly, Jongin wrapped his long, slim fingers around Junmyeon's shorter and more slender ones. The older boy didn't resist his touch and turned his body slightly so he was facing Jongin too.

"Hyung, what do we do now?" Jongin's husky voice was soft, to make sure no one could hear him but Junmyeon. The nearest sleeper was ten feet away and snoring like a freight train so they seemed safe enough from eavesdroppers.

"About us? We can't ... we can't be open about this, Jongin." Junmyeon's eyes looked sad but determined.

"I know. But there's an us, right?"

"Yes, Jonginnie, there's an us." Junmyeon's free hand stroked the inside of Jongin's wrist.

"That's more than I ever hoped to have so that's good enough for me." Jongin said quietly, staring at Junmyeon in the dim lighting of the sleeping room.

"We should get some sleep." Junmyeon's fingers traveled over his skin in ghosting, almost-not-there movements. 

"Can we just ... Can we talk for a while, hyung? I'm too wired to sleep." 

"Spoilt brat."

"I'm not a spoilt brat. It's not every day you get to kiss someone you've liked for a really long time and then get to spend the night with them too. It would be a total anticlimax to just go to sleep, ok?" 

Junmyeon's hand emerged from beneath the blankets and stroked Jongin's fringe, "Ok, Jonginnie." Closing his eyes, Jongin leant into Junmyeon's hand and the older boy sighed.

"Why does this have to be so hard?" 

"What do you mean?" Jongin's eyes flickered open curiously.

"Let's not talk about that tonight. You're right, it's not every day you get to spend the night together like this. So, I was thinking we should go and catch some fireflies one of these nights. I still have my honey citron tea jars in my closet somewhere. Do you have yours?"

"No. You know I always lose things, hyung. Just like I know you always keep spares of everything because you're anal like that. You've got a spare jar I can use, right?"

"You did not just call me anal, Kim Jongin!"

"Do you have a spare jar or not?"

"Yes, but -"

"I rest my case. Can I have it or not?"

"You're such a spoilt brat."

"Can I have it or not, hyung?"

"Fine." Junmyeon tried his best to sound annoyed but they both knew he wasn't really ever annoyed with Jongin.

Jongin's chuckle was a deep, rich sound which made Junmyeon feel all kind of things inside himself; but it was what Jongin's laugh made him feel in his heart that worried him most.

"I knew I could count on you, hyung." Jongin gripped his hand tightly, smiling. 

They talked far into the night, holding hands and stroking each other's arms and collarbones discreetly under the blankets - looking around every now and then to make sure no one saw them. Then, just before 3 am, as Jongin was in the middle of telling Junmyeon about a sci-fi novel he was reading, his voice started getting fainter - eventually stopping mid-sentence. A few soft snores escaped his half open mouth and Junmyeon smiled, stroking Jongin's head affectionately. Then the expression of amusement on his face was quickly replaced by one of worry.

"Oh Jongin, what are we going to do?"


	4. Part 4

**_CHAPTER 6: Falling into You_ **

_Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again_ [Words from Clarity by Zed]

**Seoul, 2011**

Warm sunlight trickled feather soft over his forehead and nose, tickling at Jongin's skin and his consciousness. His eyelids flickered open slowly like butterfly wings and he yawned lazily as ambient noises began filtering in. People were waking up, clearing their throats and shuffling about, while others continued snoring. 

But Jongin paid scant attention to all the activity around him as he focused on the sleeping figure beside him. Of all of them, Junmyeon had always been the responsible one - the one who worried, who was careful, who made sure everyone was all right. So it made Jongin's chest hurt just a little to see that even in repose, Junmyeon's features seemed tense - pale forehead creased and brow furrowed. His shell pink mouth hung slightly open as he produced gentle snoring sounds and Jongin had to crush the urge to kiss him awake. 

He ached to touch the older boy - to feel the silken, ivory skin of his face beneath his fingertips, to trace the alluring curve of his generous bottom lip, and to stroke his fine brown hair. But he knew he couldn't. Not here and not now. So he fluffed up the covers and did the only thing he could do which wouldn't attract anyone's attention: he gripped Junmyeon's hand under the covers and with his thumb, he drew soothing circles on the warm canvas of Junmyeon's skin.

Jongin exhaled in relief as the creased brow gradually relaxed and the lines of tension flattened themselves out. Junmyeon felt too deeply about things all of the time and it often worried Jongin. He knew Junmyeon hyung was the one who had always taken care of him but now he wanted, no he needed to be the one who took care of him. As serious thoughts drifted in and out of Jongin's mind, he found himself lulled by the soothing rhythm of his own hands. Snug in the warm cocoon created by the blankets surrounding Junmyeon and himself, Jongin drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Junmyeon woke up to find his hand securely tucked into Jongin's, and an involuntary smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he turned to gaze upon a sleeping Jongin. His tanned skin was bathed in golden sunglow and Junmyeon's fingers lingered on Jongin's arm under the light summer quilt. He didn't want to leave this place, this sanctuary. He wanted so much to escape a little longer from the hard stuff he'd have to deal with when they stepped back out into the real world. Sleeping Jongin's pout was tantalizing and Junmyeon wished he could just ... But no. He made himself look at the clock: 9.25am. It was getting late.

"Jongin-ah, wake up." Junmyeon called out softly, shaking him awake. 

"Mmm ... Morning, hyung," Jongin rubbed his eyes, stretching his limbs drowsily. 

"We should leave soon. Get something to eat."

"Ok," Jongin's cheek was pressed into the wooden block as he lazily watched Junmyeon sitting cross legged beside him - meticulously folding his dove grey blanket. 

"Move, you lazy ass." Junmyeon snapped Jongin's blanket away from him and started folding it into another neat square. Jongin remained where he was. Just watching. He liked the way the locker key dangled from Junmyeon's bare ankle like a charm, drawing attention to the fine lines of his elegant bones.

"You're not moving." Junmyeon raised a critical eyebrow.

"If I move then real life starts up again. And I kinda don't want it to." Jongin squeezed his eyes shut in a childlike gesture, like he was willing the world to stay away. Junmyeon sighed. He didn't want real life to start up either.

* * *

"Junmyeon!" There was a note of surprise in the young man's greeting as he noticed Junmyeon and Jongin walking out of the jjimjilbang just as he was about to walk in. Apprehension filled Junmyeon's empty stomach, making it roil slightly, as he recognized the short, pugnacious looking twenty year old. 

"Jonghyun hyung! Good morning." Junmyeon bowed and smiled respectfully before ushering Jongin forward, "This is Minho's younger brother, Jongin. Jongin, please greet Jonghyun hyung." 

Once bows and pleasantries had been exchanged, Jonghyun inquired casually, "I haven't seen you at the apartment for a few days now. What have you been so busy with all of a sudden?" 

"Oh, I've been doing errands for my parents and fixing things around the house." 

Jongin could tell Junmyeon was on edge but he couldn't figure out why. He knew he had seen this guy before, he just couldn't remember where or who he was supposed to be. 

"Sunyoung's been spending a lot of time in her room. Would you happen to know anything about that? Did you guys have a fight?"

"I ... Ah. We ... we didn't fight exactly but we're not seeing each other anymore." Junmyeon looked down awkwardly while Jongin stood restlessly but quietly behind him. 

"What do you mean not seeing ... Whose idea was it?" Jonghyun sounded genuinely shocked by the information. He also sounded agitated and Junmyeon grimaced. Real life was already twining its tentacles around him and he hoped they didn't end up strangling him outright.

"It was me. I ended it, hyung."

"Was it another girl because I swear I will beat the shit out of you if you hurt my baby sister because of some other girl." His voice wasn't raised yet but it was shot through with menace.

"No, it wasn't another girl, I promise." Junmyeon said sincerely amidst all the uneasiness he clearly felt. Jongin felt bad for Junmyeon, shifting uncomfortably behind him and desperate to put a hand on Junmyeon's shoulder to comfort him - but at the same time he knew that was the last thing Junmyeon wanted right now.

"Then why the hell, Junmyeon?!" Jonghyun had stepped further into Junmyeon's personal space and his face was intimidatingly close now.

"I respect you a lot, hyung, but that's between Sunyoung and me." Junmyeon's voice was quiet but it had a thread or steel running through it. Junmyeon usually let Jongin get away with just about everything but when he used that quiet voice, Jongin knew it was time to listen and do what Junmyeon said.

"If you broke her heart because of some girl, I swear I will come for you." Jonghyun's voice was equally hard. 

"I promise you, hyung, there is no other girl."

Jonghyun threw him one final glare before stalking into the jjimjilbang. Instinctively, Jongin knew Junmyeon wasn't ready to discuss what had just happened, so his fingers curled around Junmyeon's slender upper arm, "Hyung, I'm hungry. Let's have some _kalgaksu_."

Junmyeon forced himself to shrug off all the guilt and anxiety teeming in his gut. There would be time enough later for wallowing in despair. But for now, _kalgaksu_ sounded like just the balm he needed. And Jongin. He needed Jongin's steady presence and his surprisingly mature insights on so many things. He needed Jongin's lame jokes and funny anecdotes and bratty behavior to distract him from the encounter with Sunyoung's older brother. Junmyeon sighed. He just needed Jongin.

* * *

"What was it like for you, kissing Sunyoung and Min?" Jongin was ahead of him, facing Junmyeon as he walked backwards along the sidewalk that led to their apartment building.

"Don't walk backwards, you might hit something." Junmyeon nagged him instead of answering his question. 

"You'd never let that happen, hyung. You'd pull me out of the way before I could ever hurt myself." Jongin gave him a cheeky grin and Junmyeon rolled his eyes.

"I would totally let you fall on your ass, you mean?"

"No, you wouldn't. You like this ass." 

"I should trip you for that." Junmyeon growled and Jongin chuckled loudly, "You're so cute when you're trying to be fierce." Then he repeated his question.

"Hyung, the kissing, was it good?"

"It was ok. I mean kissing was nice and I did get quite turned on sometimes but not like with you. I'd never really felt anything quite like ... yeah. It's really different with you. Everything's more intense. That night with the fireflies, when you touched my face ... I don't know how to explain it."

"Show me then. Don't explain, show me." 

"I don't think that's a good idea, Jonginnie." Junmyeon shook his head. 

"But Umma won't be back till this evening and hyung usually sleeps till 1pm and your parents are at work till six so ... Can I go hang out at your place? Please? We don't have to do anything if you don't want to," Jongin's tone was joking but his face was serious. This was like hundreds of conversations they'd had over the years - conversations that usually started with Jongin saying please and ended with them getting into all kinds of trouble. And they hadn't even been conversations about them possibly making out.

Junmyeon groaned inwardly. He should say no. Everything in his head told Junmyeon to say no but Junmyeon had never been able to find a way to refuse Jongin anything ...

* * *

Junmyeon tapped his toothbrush against the edge of the sink. Why was he even brushing his teeth again? He'd done it at the _jjimjilbang_ earlier that day so why was he ...? What was he hoping would happen when Jongin got there because he really shouldn't allow anything to happen. 

He'd also taken a quick shower - his second of the day and he now wore faded shorts and a navy blue, plain v-necked cotton tee. He'd spent all of six seconds thinking about whether to wear something nice when he checked himself. This was Jongin. He'd seen Junmyeon at his worst - he didn't need to be anything but himself around Jongin. And Junmyeon was all about comfortable worn out clothes at home.

He opened his bedroom door and yelped - startled by the sight of Jongin leaning against the wall by the door. Jongin, too, was comfortably dressed in faded, dark colored shorts and a deep green v-necked tee. The ends of his straight, inky hair were still damp. He looked so handsome.

"You scared me." Junmyeon punched his shoulder.

"Sorry."

"No you're not. I really need to change the pass code to the front door so you won't be able to scare the crap out of me again."

Jongin ignored his grumbling and stepped closer to Junmyeon. Junmyeon had never really seen his bitter chocolate eyes at such close range - it had been dark at the bus-stop the night before. He felt like he was drowning in the deep brown depths as Jongin's hands cupped his jaw. Sensations cascaded across his skin as Jongin moved closer still, walking him backwards into his bedroom again - deliberately locking the door behind him.

"Remember you said I could claim a kiss and hug when we were in private?" 

"Yes." Junmyeon had barely got the word out before Jongin drew him in, their lips meeting in an urgent, breathless melding of skin. Their tongues explored each other's mouths while their hands learnt the maps of each other's bodies. After waiting almost twelve hours to touch each other, their movements were almost frantic with repressed desire. Junmyeon reluctantly let go of all his doubts and worries as the younger boy made him forget everything and made him feel everything he hadn't known he could feel. 

Palms and fingers reached under Junmyeon's loose shirt and moved across his back, igniting tingling sensations on his bare skin which made Junmyeon's dick twitch. In a movement that was not quite rough yet not quite gentle, Jongin's lean hips nudged against his, their thinly clothed erections grazing hotly. They moaned into each other's mouths as they kissed each other passionately and Junmyeon gave an especially loud moan when Jongin flicked his nipples with his thumbs and index fingers. He gasped desperately, _where did you learn to do that Jonginnie?_

The tightness in his groin was almost unbearable now as they ground their hips together and gripped each other's buttocks, pulling them in to deepen the contact. Junmyeon knew he should stop this - he was the older one; he should be responsible and stop this. He had no right to do any of this with Jongin, Junmyeon thought as he nuzzled Jongin's earlobes one after another.

"Bite it," Jongin whispered as Junmyeon's tongue laved his earlobe and Junmyeon obediently nibbled on the taut, sensitive skin. The delicious sensation traveled right down to Jongin's cock, making it jump against Junmyeon's erection and they both writhed in ecstasy. Things had never been anywhere near this intense with the boy from Yeongju High, Jongin thought and he wondered if he might die from the weight of the emotion and sensations pummelling him now. The heat in their groins built and grew to a fever pitch as they kissed and touched each other with increasing fervor - finally crying out in unison as they found mutual release.

When they finally came up for air, panting against collarbones and shoulders and flushed with afterglow, Jongin said teasingly, "Hyung, you taste of toothpaste and smell of soap too. I guess we both wanted to make a good impression, huh? Did it work?"

Junmyeon's answer was to throw his pillow at Jongin's face. Hard. Naturally, he caught it easily, the brat, Junmyeon thought. Jongin laughed and pulled him onto the bed and they lay on their backs - the pillow placed carefully beneath their heads. Then Jongin was grabbing him from behind and hugging him tightly.

"Thank you, hyung." Jongin whispered into his hair.

"For what?"

"For giving this a chance. For being such a good kisser."

"I'm not a good kisser." Junmyeon said embarrassedly.

"Yes you are." Jongin's hands stroked his ribcage, right beneath where Junmyeon's heart beat with a still accelerated cadence. "Promise me this won't be the last time, hyung? Please?"

"Oh Jongin," Junmyeon sighed, eyes shut with worry, "What if someone finds out? So many people will get hurt. The best thing would be to never do this again."

"But ...?"

"But nothing."

"Please, hyung?" Jongin's nose rubbed Junmyeon's nape and he nuzzled his ears, cupping one hand over Junmyeon's crotch, making the older boy buck his hips backwards involuntarily. Both Jongin and Junmyeon moaned at the delicious contact.

"Please, hyung? We'll be careful and no one will find out." Jongin's fingers now caressed Junmyeon's slender waist.

"You're such a brat, Jonginnie."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes. Fine. Ok." Junmyeon tried to sound disgruntled but really, he was mostly just anxious.

"YES!" Jongin pinned Junmyeon down and kissed him enthusiastically. And for now at least, as he looked up at Jongin's beautiful face, radiating warmth and caring and joy, he would forget the obstacles that the real world would inevitably strew in their path. And for now at least, he would forget how young Jongin was.

"Hyung? I'm going to need to borrow a pair of shorts because mine are ruined."

Junmyeon's answer was to throw a pillow at Jongin's face. He laughed, catching it easilyl.

"Brat."

 

**_CHAPTER 7: Stolen Moments_ **

_You hold me without touch You keep me without chains I never wanted anything so much Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain_ [Words from Gravity by Sara Bareilles]

**_Seoul, 2011_ **

Junmyeon belly flopped onto his bed and groaned. How was he going to get himself out of this mess without hurting anyone - himself included? He couldn't see a way. There were so many things wrong with the situation he didn't even know where to start. He could still smell Jongin's scent on the pillow and the sheets and he inhaled guiltily. Then he stopped himself because he knew he had to focus right now. Junmyeon turned to lie on his back, staring hard at the ceiling - as if he was expecting the answers to his dilemma to scroll across the surface like a news bar on TV. 

First, there was Jongin's umma ... did she even know her son was gay? Ahjumma had always treated Junmyeon like a third son so she would probably never forgive him if he suddenly started dating her actual son. She would probably blame him for influencing Jongin. Junmyeon made a noise of frustration.

Then, there were his parents. He was pretty sure his own parents had no idea he was gay since he'd had two girlfriends in past years. God only knew Junmyeon himself had been clueless till that night with the fireflies. There had never been a moment he'd even doubted his heterosexuality until that night Jongin touched him in the field with the fireflies. It was almost like the gay part of himself had imprinted on Jongin and only Jongin. And even then, Junmyeon hadn't fixed onto him straight away. After all, he used to think of him in a platonic way even though they'd casually touched each other all the time over the years. 

But Junmyeon knew he was lying to himself if he said he'd only seen Jongin as just a friend. He'd always treated Jongin differently from Minho and Sehun and other friends. He'd always given him a little bit more of himself than he'd shared with others, indulged him and protected him in a way he didn't quite do with others in his life. Even when they were kids. Physical awareness of Jongin had just been a final phase, he supposed, of his longtime affection for the younger boy.

And then there was Minho who was technically his best friend. But Junmyeon had always felt closer to Jongin -right from the beginning of his friendship with the two brothers. Hanging out with Minho was a huge part of Junmyeon's life but while Minho confided a lot in him, it was Jongin Junmyeon had always gone to when he needed to talk about stuff that was bothering him. And in the same way, Jongin had always come to Junmyeon with his problems. Minho was a decent enough brother and friend but he wasn't the type to pat you on the back and say everything would be alright. 

Junmyeon groaned into his Jongin-scented pillow - he didn't even want to think about how Minho would react to his younger brother and his best friend being in a relationship. He would most likely be livid and launch into large scale dramatics for at least a week, maybe two. But he knew Minho - he would probably accept it after a while, once he'd gotten used to the idea. His best friend could be a self-centered, insensitive ass at times but he had a good heart and Junmyeon knew for a fact that he wasn't homophobic.

And then there was Sunyoung, his just-ex who was more attached to Junmyeon than Junmyeon had ever been attached to her. She would probably be badly hurt if he and Jongin started ... No, he just couldn't. She was still texting him at least twice a day to ask if they could meet and talk, while he put her off repeatedly. Junmyeon's chest ached as he thought of Sunyoung because she really hadn't asked for this. Sunyoung was sweet and kind and funny but ... he realized now why he'd never been into her the way she'd been into him. He'd always been too hung up on the boy next door to really give his heart away to anyone else. He needed to not hurt Sunyoung any further. And he didn't even want to think about her Jonghyun oppa. He posed a whole other set of problems. 

But more important to him than everyone else in the mix, was Jongin himself. His true best friend and dongsaeng. 17 year old Jongin who was setting his senses and his heart on fire in a way Sunyoung and Min never had. He was so young and he hadn't even dated anyone properly. Much as it gave Junmyeon a twinge of jealousy to think of Jongin seeing other people, he knew it was something Jongin needed to do - something Junmyeon needed him to do. To be sure. But one thing seemed certain, as long as Junmyeon was around, Jongin would refuse to see anyone else. 

His confused tangle of thoughts suddenly unraveling and clearing, Junmyeon pulled open his desk drawer. Reluctantly, he reached for a mustard yellow, A4 sized manila envelope and placed it upon his desk. Grimacing, he removed the contents ...

* * *

Jongin looked up curiously at the sound of soft little raps on his door. Hardly anyone in his family ever bothered to knock and when they did they were never genteel about it - often tacking a loud "Jongin-ah" to a series of obnoxiously noisy knocks. And Junmyeon always gave the door a single rap that set his young heart racing. Jongin opened the door and tried not to look surprised as he greeted his visitor.

"Sunyoung noona, hi."

"Hey Jongin. Can we talk?"

"Um, sure." Jongin ushered her to the sitting room sofa, "Did hyung let you in?"

"Yeah, I came over with Jinri and him. They're in his room." She added the last bit unnecessarily because Jinri was always in Minho's room if his hyung had anything to do with it. She had to be as nervous as Jongin was. Sunyoung looked wan, the porcelain skin of her heart-shaped face smudged by prominent dark circles. Her fingers fidgeted constantly with the aubergine colored cushion she'd picked up from the sofa. 

"What's up, noona?" Jongin pushed up his spectacle frames with his index finger in a nervous gesture after he'd taken a seat next to her. He hoped she wouldn't start crying because he didn't know what he'd do if she did. And also, there was the guilt he felt for contributing to her current state.

"I guess you know Junmyeon broke things off with me ... You guys have always been so close. Do you know why? Why he ended it?"

"I ... He didn't say much about it to me, noona. But I do know it's not another girl. You don't have to worry about that." Jongin assured her awkwardly.

"I guess we've been seeing less and less of each other over the months, and we have less to talk about than we used to, but we could have worked it out. We could have made it work. We still can." Sunyoung's eyes stayed focused on the cushion in her lap. It seemed to help her get her thoughts out.

"Maybe noona, maybe if you have to work so hard at a relationship, it's not the right one for you." Jongin said quietly.

"I know that ... but it's Junmyeon. I love him, I love him so much." Sunyoung's tears began flowing then and she buried her face in Jongin's shoulder, crying quietly while Jongin patted her back gently - guilt and compassion twisting inside him in the worst kind of way. He could empathize with the pain she felt for he'd lived with some measure of it for the past fifteen months. And so Jongin let Sunyoung weep into his shoulder for the next few minutes and tried not to die of remorse.

 

**_Seoul, 2011 ... One day later_ **

Wednesday night was 'Running Man' night and Sehun and Junmyeon usually came over after dinner so they could watch it together, yelling and groaning at the top of their voices. But tonight Umma had asked Junmyeon to join them for dinner as his parents were attending a wedding dinner. Dinner had been a noisy and chatty affair with the boys trying their best to entertain a washed out looking Umma. The two brothers had also done some of the cooking since they were on vacation.

"Um, you guys got this, right?" Minho gave Junmyeon and Jongin a presumptuous grin as he pointed at the sink area full of dirty dishes and pots. The boys always did wash up duty after Umma retired for the night. She rarely emerged from her bedroom after dinner. 

"You're buying me an Americano the next time we're at Caffe Bene you lazy ass." Junmyeon scowled at him.

"Hazelnut Latte for me." Jongin rolled his eyes.

"Cutthroats!"

"Do you want to wash or rinse?" Junmyeon asked him, deadpan.

"Fine, fine, coffee on me. Shit, what happened to friendship and brotherly love, guys?" Minho complained and Jongin cheekily blew him a kiss which earned him a solid whack on the back. 

"Yah!" Jongin protested and gave Minho the finger as his brother strutted out of the kitchen. 

"You kinda asked for that, Jonginnie." Junmyeon chuckled as he started scrubbing a dish with expert thoroughness. 

"Whose side are you on anyway?" Jongin almost pouted as he nudged Junmyeon's left shoulder with his right one. He didn't move away, leaving their shoulders touching as he rinsed off the dishes Junmyeon washed, his fingers brushing against Junmyeon's more than necessary - eliciting watery frissons that traveled up Junmyeon's arm, both tantalizing and alarming him.

"Jongin, don't. Someone could walk in." Junmyeon's voice was strained with worry but at the same time he didn't make any move to step away from Jongin. 

"I missed you." Jongin said softly, under his breath so that the noise of running water would camouflage his words if Umma or Minho were to show up unexpectedly.

"We just saw each other in the afternoon, and we spoke on the phone before dinner." Junmyeon's voice was teasing but the truth was he had missed Jongin too - in ways he couldn't quite explain.

"Like I said, I missed you." Jongin smiled wistfully. For the fifth time, Jongin contemplated whether to tell Junmyeon that Sunyoung had visited him yesterday evening, and for the fifth time, he decided against it. It would only make Junmyeon even more anxious and guilty than he already was, and Jongin didn't want that. They finished washing the rest of the dishes in an emotionally charged silence, shoulders and elbows still bumping, and hands still brushing against each other. Neither made any move to create distance.

"I still miss you." Jongin said under his breath as he stacked the last dish on the rack. Junmyeon sighed, eyes closed as he turned off the tap, a slight tremor in his hand. 

"Me too, Jongin. Me too."

Minho and Sehun were already sprawled out comfortably in their usual seats: Minho taking up two-thirds of the three-seater couch (he always managed to occupy 2 seats to everyone's chagrin), while Sehun's long, skinny arms and legs were draped untidily over the tan armchair, his chin resting on a lime green cushion he'd placed on his chest. He gave Junmyeon and Jongin a desultory waggle of his fingers in hello, eyes never leaving the screen. Minho ignored them completely. 

That left one-third of the sofa for Junmyeon and one armchair for Jongin - except Umma's cat Monggu was curled up on it. A slumbering, hissy, oversized ball of tabby fur. Jongin made a mental note to get a toy for the cantankerous cat because she had just given him a legitimate reason to sit closer to Junmyeon. 

"I'm not doing battle with Monggu. Hyung, you could have made her get off before she fell asleep, you asshat. You know if I try to get her off now, I'll lose an eye." Jongin tried his best to sound mildly annoyed - which wasn't easy considering he was actually thrilled at the turn of events. Junmyeon, who was already seated beside Minho, was watching him curiously, right eyebrow arched in question. Sehun didn't even bother to turn around and investigate.

"Just sit on the floor, Jongin, oh my God. Stop making such a fuss." Minho grumbled, not even looking away from the screen. No one pointed out that Minho was taking up two seats with one ass. Trying not to look ecstatic, Jongin settled himself on the floor at Junmyeon's feet and leaned back against his legs, sighing contentedly because he could finally be close to Junmyeon again.

Junmyeon felt the warm weight of Jongin's back leaning into his shins and the back of his head pressing into his knee and his chest felt full. It was a struggle not to reach out and stroke Jongin's head, his nape, his shoulders. Then, as they all laughed and cheered Jaesuk and Big Nose Hyung on, Junmyeon felt Jongin's fingers encircle his right ankle and caress the skin around it - on the dim side of the sitting room, which Minho and Sehun couldn't see at all. For a moment, he was worried Jongin was going to carry on the sensual assault but then Jongin's fingers stopped moving and just held on. And in that moment Junmyeon felt like he'd been tethered and Jongin was never going to let him go. 

**_Seoul, 2011 ... Two weeks later_ **

The next two weeks were a blur of holding hands and brushing ankles secretly under the table and stolen kisses and clandestine make out sessions in Junmyeon's room when his parents were out at work and Minho was out. And when they weren't together, they exchanged lots of text messages daily. Funny ones like they'd always written one another over the years and occasional tender ones when they were both lying in their respective beds, trying to fall asleep.

Jongin: Hyung, are you still up?  
Junmyeon: Yeah.  
Jongin: I wish ...  
Junmyeon: I know.  
Jongin: I wish for just one night we could just go to sleep together and wake up together. Just us - no one else around.   
Junmyeon: You know that's not possible, Jonginnie.   
Jongin: I can pretend.  
Junmyeon: T_T   
Jongin: I just wish we didn't have to hide all the time.  
Junmyeon: Promise me you'll try and see other people when school starts.  
Jongin: Don't want. I only want you.  
Junmyeon: You never dated properly. I want you to try - with other people. So you're sure.  
Jongin: Don't want.  
Junmyeon: Please, Jongin. Promise me?  
Jongin: No, I won't do it. I miss you. Can I come over?  
Junmyeon: No! It's past midnight. You promised to be careful.  
Jongin: Fine. But I could be lying beside you right now.  
Junmyeon: Stop it!  
Jongin: Hyung, do you miss me?  
Junmyeon: You know I do.   
Jongin: Then why don't you ever say it first.  
Junmyeon: I miss you less if I don't say it out.  
Jongin: (>^_^)>   
Junmyeon: 'Night, brat.  
Jongin: 'Night, hyung. I ...  
Junmyeon: ???  
Jongin: Never mind.  
Junmyeon: Jongin?  
Jongin: Yes, hyung?  
Junmyeon: I miss you.  
Jongin: \\(^_^)/   
Junmyeon: Brat.  
Jongin: I miss you more.  
Junmyeon: GOOD. NIGHT.  
Jongin: (>^_^)> <(^_^<)   
Junmyeon: Go to bed, brat.

Texting Jongin always made him smile even though their conversations were often so stupid and cheesy they made him groan with embarrassment sometimes. Sighing, he put his phone on the bedside table and turned off the lamp. As the room fell into darkness, Junmyeon stared up into the nothingness and lay there, powerless as waves of sorrow and dread washed over him. How would he do without his Jonginnie? How would he even begin to do without him?


	5. Part 5

**_CHAPTER 8: Piece of Me_ **

_Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need, Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why_ [Words from Clarity by Zed]

**Outside Seoul, 2011 ... One week later**

 

The four boys had taken a 90-minute bus ride from Hoegi train station and to Jongin's surprise, Sehun had slid into the seat next to Minho - the latter always being the first to forge ahead with his long legs (and selfish ways) and grab the first available seat in any bus, train or room. Sehun always sat next to Jongin while Junmyeon usually occupied the seat beside Minho. But while Jongin was curious to know why Sehun had chosen to sit next to Minho, all his brain could cope with right now was that he'd just gained an extra 90 minutes with Junmyeon. 

They managed to find two empty seats three rows from the back and Jongin carefully stashed both their heavy, oversized backpacks in the overhead compartment while Junmyeon watched him like the worrier he was. Just before he sat down, Jongin pulled a lightweight travel blanket out from his knapsack. Unfolding it quickly, Jongin covered them both with the soft rectangle of material.

"What are you up to?!" Junmyeon hissed.

"Shhhhh. I'm tired, I just want to have a nap, that's all." Jongin said softly, even as his right palm slipped into Junmyeon's left one, their fingers sliding into place to form a perfect whole.

"This is not being careful, Jongin."

"If I left everything to you, hyung, nothing would ever happen." Jongin complained, rolling his eyes.

"We're on a public bus!" Junmyeon's right thumb and index finger stroked his sideburn in a gesture he often made when he was nervous or anxious. It was a gesture which Jongin found endlessly endearing.

"A nap! That's all. Who doesn't nap on public buses? No one will suspect anything. Calm down, hyung." Jongin squeezed his hand and gave him the smile he knew Junmyeon could never resist no matter how much he wanted to. Sighing in defeat, Junmyeon sank into the maroon colored seat and felt himself uncoil slowly as Jongin's thumb swept soothingly across the surface of his index finger.

"I wonder if the fireflies will still be there." Jongin said almost absent mindedly, biting his lower lip speculatively. They were returning to the same campsite where they'd seen the fireflies all those weeks ago, and both were hopeful the luminous insects would still be around. As Jongin continued to chew on his lip, Junmyeon tried his best to block out images of himself nibbling on that same lip just the night before. 

Junmyeon's parents had gone for a business dinner and Minho and Jinri had gone for a movie. As soon as Jongin had finished washing the dishes, he'd yelled to Umma that he was going to Junmyeon hyung's. He'd barely made it in the front door before they'd locked lips, groping at each other desperately. They'd made slow, agonizing progress to the bedroom, hands moving urgently across bare skin as they reached under each other's t-shirts and waistbands. Junmyeon had tugged at Jongin's lower lip with his teeth while Jongin had done the same to his earlobe ... Feeling his cock beginning to harden at the memory of last night's impassioned encounter, Junmyeon forced himself back to the present. 

"I brought two jars just in case." Junmyeon said in as neutral a tone as he could muster considering he was fighting to control a very visible hard-on. He hadn't had this much trouble in public since he was 14 years old - no, actually he'd never had this much trouble until Jongin. Junmyeon tried to look everywhere but at the younger boy's provocative lips. But he should have known better than to think Jongin wouldn't notice his discomfort. 

"Hyung, you look a little tense. Are you ... Oh." Jongin's hand had casually stroked his crotch under the blanket but he hadn't been expecting Junmyeon to be hard. The older boy had pushed his hand away with a little more force than necessary.

"But I didn't do anything," Jongin protested in whispers.

"Just go to sleep, brat." Junmyeon gave a long suffering sigh. 

"But hyung,"

"Shhh."

Knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere with Junmyeon when he was in this kind of mood, Jongin just closed his eyes and after a few minutes had passed, he pretended to fall asleep, letting his head droop down and lean against Junmyeon's shoulder - close enough that he could inhale his comforting male scent. And then just as he was drifting to sleep for real, Jongin felt Junmyeon caress his hand and forearm slowly and rhythmically ...

* * *

Jongin brought the can of Pocari Sweat to his lips and closed his eyes as the late summer breeze lifted jet colored strands of hair off his face. He could just hear the faint chirping of birds in the distance as he half reclined, soaking up what warmth he could from the sun's rays in the fast cooling afternoon. Autumn was just weeks away and soon it would be too chilly for lounging around in short sleeves. Jongin made an involuntary shiver - he had never liked the cold.

He took another distracted sip of his drink as his eyes began searching for Junmyeon and his brother. They'd gone into the woods ten minutes earlier to gather firewood, Minho complaining bitterly that the two youngest should be doing the grunt work, not them. Junmyeon had ignored him and shoved him along while Sehun and Jongin tried not to snigger. 

"Dude, you guys gotta dial it down," Sehun suddenly announced in that expressionless, nondescript way he had of speaking. He was staring at his red Coke can instead of making eye contact with Jongin. 

"Erm, what do you mean by dial it down?"

"You and Junmyeon hyung. You need to not stare at each other so much or your brother's going to notice and you know it takes a lot to make Minho notice stuff which isn't about him."

Jongin choked on his drink and just managed to not have it come back out his mouth while his mind reluctantly processed what Sehun had just said.

"What did you say?!"

"You. And Junmyeon hyung. Need to be less obvious." He sounded like he was talking about the weather or what he'd had for breakfast that morning. 

"I know what you said, Sehun. What do you mean ...? I don't understand?"

"I mean I know you and Junmyeon hyung have a thing for each other but you need to hide it better."

"But you never notice anything! You only really talk about gaming."

"Just because I don't say anything it doesn't mean I'm not aware, Jongin. I just don't like to talk all that much. And talking about personal stuff takes sooooo much effort."

"So you're ok with me being ... You're ok with the gay thing?"

"Sure. It's not like I haven't known for more than a year anyway. Didn't realize Junmyeon hyung was though." 

"I don't think he did either." Jongin said awkwardly and Sehun nodded - not probing further for that was Oh Sehun's way. Bordering on apathetic or at least that's what he made everyone think. Who knew he wasn't apathetic at all. 

"You've known for more than a year? Was it that obvious? I was so careful." Jongin grimaced.

"Nah, you hid it pretty well. I've known you guys forever though so when you started watching him when you didn't use to, I noticed. And a few weeks ago Junmyeon hyung started watching you too." Sehun paused before continuing, "So does he know how you feel? I'm guessing he does since he broke things off with his girlfriend?"

Jongin nodded quietly and took another sip of his drink, "He worries all the time that people will find out. You know how he worries about everything."

"Well, he has reason to worry, Jongin."

"He keeps trying to convince me to see other people." Jongin said miserably and Sehun laughed. 

"Why is that funny?"

"You're 17 and never dated. He's 20 and he's had two girlfriends. Of course he wants you to see other people, you dumbass." Sehun snorted.

"Sehun, are you ... seeing anyone? Or are you into anyone and you wanna talk about it or ... Well this is fucking awkward." Jongin groaned, covering his eyes with his forearm.

"Dude, please. Stop having hysterics. Just because we're suddenly talking about your feelings, it doesn't mean I want to talk about mine. If I need to talk about my feelings, you'll be the first to know. But don't hold your breath." Sehun chuckled, winking at Jongin. Then after a moment's pause, he added matter-of-factly, "And the answer to the question you're dying to ask is: Yes, I'm gay too."

That was when Jongin sprayed Pocari Sweat all over the grass while Sehun laughed openly and thumped him on the back a lot harder than he had to.

* * *

"Finallyyy!" Jongin sighed in relief as he heard two distinct, stentorian snores in the stillness of the night. When they'd set up camp, Sehun had told Minho loudly that he'd be sharing a tent with him because Jongin had kept him up half the night with his snoring the last time they were here. Jongin had protested noisily at the blatant untruth but Minho had shrugged and said, "Fine, whatever. You can room with me, kid. Junmyeon, good luck, man."

At the time, he hadn't known what Sehun was up to but after the revelatory conversation they'd had that afternoon, Jongin realized that what Sehun had been up to was being a good friend - just like he'd been a good friend on the bus. He hadn't given Sehun enough credit over the years and made a mental note to make it up to him. 

He turned slowly, wrapping one leg over Junmyeon before rolling right on top of him, caging him in. Junmyeon wrapped his arms around the younger boy's waist as Jongin lowered his mouth and kissed him. Unlike the night before, tonight's first kiss was tender and lingering and quiet, and ironically filled with so much more longing. 

"I missed you, hyung."

"I missed you too." Junmyeon brushed Jongin's soft hair out of his eyes and Jongin sank into him and they just lay there holding each other, unspeaking for the next few moments - just enjoying the sensation of being close to each other after a whole day of having to hold each other apart. Jongin traced Junmyeon's eyebrows which he loved more than anything because they were so expressive. 

"That tickles." Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows.

"Do that again, hyung."

"Why?" He asked suspiciously.

"You look sexier when you frown." Jongin grinned and Junmyeon smacked him on the shoulder. 

"I don't know the first thing about being sexy." Junmyeon snorted scornfully.

"You know enough." Jongin said quietly just before he initiated another kiss. His tongue swept into Junmyeon's mouth in confident, teasing strokes while his hands moved across the curves and planes of Junmyeon's skin, having slipped under his shirt as soon as their lips had made contact. The other boy might have been the elder but when it came to things like these, it was Jongin who mostly took the lead. 

Junmyeon reached up and left a hot trail of kisses across Jongin's collarbones that made him moan, and then he'd pushed his cotton t-shirt up high and licked Jongin's nipples till they'd turned into hard nubs. Junmyeon sucked on them experimentally, making Jongin gasp and rock his hips hard against his. And then Jongin was deepening their kiss and reaching his hand inside Junmyeon's waistband. 

Junmyeon suddenly remembered where they were and tried to apply the brakes, his tone urgent as Jongin's fingers stroked the smooth, hot skin of his dick, "We can't do this now. One of them could wake up. See us. Jongin, stop." 

"Hyung, they won't." Jongin bit his earlobe as he gripped his erection more firmly and tugged.

"Jonginnie." Junmyeon held Jongin's face in his slender hands. "Please. You know I don't want to stop either but we have to. It's too risky." And just like that, Jongin released his grip and made a noise of frustration as he buried his face in Junmyeon's shoulder. For Jongin could never really say no to Junmyeon either. 

They just lay in each other's arms for a while, taking deep, panting breaths as they struggled to rein in their bodies. Fortunately, their breathing was even and calm again after a while.

"I hate you, hyung." Jongin complained. "Why do you always have to be so responsible?"

"I've been the worst kind of irresponsible for letting things even get this far." Junmyeon said sadly and Jongin kissed him, telling him to stop blaming himself - they'd done nothing wrong. 

"I've done everything wrong, Jongin, don't you see?"

"No, hyung. You're just following your heart. Why is that wrong?" Jongin held him tightly as if that would somehow assuage Junmyeon's guilt. But he knew it would take more than a few heartfelt hugs to chase away his his best friend's demons.

"Let's go find those fireflies." Junmyeon said finally. He was loathe to leave Jongin's embrace, but they had to gain some distance. And also, truth be told, Junmyeon was filled with childlike desire to see the fireflies as well. Who knew when he'd have the chance to see the luminescent bugs again? He carefully unrolled a towel and a t-shirt, to reveal two big honey citron jars. He handed one to Jongin and held the other close to his rib cage. Then Jongin unzipped the tent flap and they stepped out onto the moonlit forest floor.

* * *

They'd placed the open jars in the center of the field and stood to the side, watching silently as the fireflies flitted near the jars, a few flying in and out again as they explored the glass receptacles. Jongin moved to stand behind Junmyeon, sliding his arms around his waist and nuzzling his neck. Junmyeon made a soft sound of contentment and leaned back against warm skin and lips as they watched the flurries of light move across the field.

A few of the fireflies landed inside the jars and ceased moving, their pale yellow incandescence bottled in the clear glass. Stealthily, Jongin and Junmyeon crept to the jars and replaced the amber colored lids in tandem. They held up the glass cages and watched in awe as the bugs started crawling and flitting around, creating an exquisite duo of shimmering lanterns. 

Junmyeon felt as if he was caught in a bubble of nostalgia - like he and Jongin had been transported back to that idyllic firefly summer years ago. Things had been so much simpler then. Before things had changed between them. Before everything had become so complicated. But Junmyeon couldn't really find it in himself to regret anything. 

"It's time to let them go, Jongin." Junmyeon placed his jar back on the grass and unscrewed the lid. The fireflies flitted out calmly from their temporary prison - rejoining their compatriots. Jongin never got over how ethereal, how beautiful the glowing insects were. Every single time he saw fireflies, he became wonder struck all over again. 

"Jongin-ah," Junmyeon grabbed his elbow, a somber expression etched on his handsome features.

"Don't say anything, hyung." Jongin didn't like what he'd seen in Junmyeon's eyes and he was pretty sure he wouldn't like what he was about to say.

"I need you to listen to me, ok? You're like these fireflies, Jongin - beautiful and precious and bright. And I ... I don't want to be the jar that traps you, that traps your light, Jongin. I want you to be free. And to explore. I want you to see other people and have relationships. I know I've been saying this for weeks but you haven't been listening. Well, I need you to start listening now. We need to spend time apart from each other, Jonginnie. We can't think clearly when we're together. So let's be apart for now. And later on, if after everything, you still want to come back to me, I'll be waiting."

"But don't you understand? I'll always come back to you. Always. That's why there's no need for me to see anyone else because I'm sure. I know I won't choose anyone else because it's always been you." Jongin made Junmyeon sit on the ground beside him, his hand stroking his jaw gently. 

"But Jongin-" Junmyeon began before Jongin's fingers covered his mouth, stifling his protest.

"Let's just lie down for a while like last time. Let's just lie here and just be with the fireflies." Jongin pleaded and Junmyeon complied because he'd never been good at denying his dongsaeng anything. He stretched his body out beside Jongin's and they lay quietly beside each other, watching as the insects hovered above them. 

"Hyung, there's something I've been wanting to say but I wanted to wait for the right time."

"What is it Jonginnie?" Junmyeon asked as the tiny balls of light drifted past their faces. Close. So close.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'll always come back to you because I love you." Jongin said quietly before moving his lips over Junmyeon's tenderly, his tongue delving in slowly and gently while his arms held Junmyeon close to his chest, close to his heart. "I love you so much. Please don't make me go. Don't you love me?" Jongin whispered, his lips against Junmyeon's forehead.

"Oh Jongin." Junmyeon exhaled shakily, rubbing his nose against his neck, "I do love you. So much."

"Then stay with me."

And as the fireflies danced in the air around them, the two boys embraced each other tightly and kissed and whispered secret words of love to each other.

 

**_CHAPTER 9: Almost Autumn_ **

_Stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can't But honestly won't someone stop this train_ [Adapted from Stop This Train by John Mayer]

**Seoul, 2011 ... Three days later**

"Hey." Minho sat down next to Jongin on the sofa, nudging Jongin's ankle with his foot to get his attention. But his younger brother continued reading the newspaper - paying Minho no attention at all.

"You've been spending a lot of time with Junmyeon lately. What's up with that? If I didn't know better I'd think you guys were plotting to take over the world or making out or something." To Jongin's surprise, Minho sounded more concerned than curious. It was ... unusual behavior for his brother who was generally oblivious, bordering on indifferent to things not directly related to himself.

"Well he's better company than you for one." Jongin stated sarcastically as he turned a page, trying to sound as casual as possible. Had his hyung seen something to make him suspect that he and Junmyeon had a changed relationship?

"Touché. But that still doesn't explain why you guys are suddenly spending so much time together."

"Well, he's not dating anymore so he's got more time to hang out. And no offence to you and Jinri noona but I'd just as soon not hang around when you guys are 'hanging out' here. Also, Junmyeon's got a great sound system and a better ramyun selection."

"All valid arguments but still, why do I get this feeling there's more going on that you guys aren't telling me?"

"You're just imagining things, hyung."

Minho didn't say anything in response but he looked skeptical. Jongin groaned inside. Why did his brother have to suddenly start getting observant after twenty years of not giving a shit? He was having enough trouble constantly wrestling Junmyeon's over active conscience to the ground as it was. He did not need further complications in the form of his hyung sticking his nose where it didn't belong.

* * *

**Seoul, 2011 ... One week later**

 

It had been Junmyeon's idea to go to Yeuido Park for the afternoon. They'd rented bicycles and cycled along the Han River - enjoying what was left of the summer sun. The temperature was more autumnal than summery that day, and they'd all worn light jackets and jeans to fortify themselves against the chill.

Bicycles scattered untidily on the grass nearby, the four boys sat where they had an optimal view of the Han River and ate strawberry ice-cream, crunching on the waffle cones. They'd taken idiotic selcas near the big fountain, arms draped companionably around each other's shoulders in a messy, laughing cluster of four - complete with unflattering aegyo poses. Junmyeon had also insisted on taking individual photos with each of them and Jongin had stood behind him and held his shoulder, plastering his right cheek against Junmyeon's left one before holding the phone as far out in front as he could to take the snapshot. Jongin kept his hand on Junmyeon's shoulder longer than he had to and Junmyeon didn't make him remove it. It had been torturous for both of them to be in such close proximity all day and not be able to do anything about it. It hadn't escaped Jongin's notice that Sehun had been trying to keep Minho as occupied as possible so that he didn't have any real chance to observe the other two.

"Sehun, for the last time, Warcraft is a far superior game to Minecraft so just shut the hell up."

"But hyung, consider this aspect ..." And so it went for most of the afternoon while Jongin tried his best to a) not laugh, and b) not give his other best friend a hug for being such a dedicated wing man and dear friend.

* * *

Junmyeon had treated Jongin and Sehun to dinner at his favorite galbi restaurant in Hongdae. Minho wasn't with them as he was attending a party at a university mate's house. He'd told Umma the day before that he'd be crashing there for the weekend and Jongin had been ecstatic because Junmyeon's parents happened to be in Geongju for the weekend visiting friends. That left Junmyeon and him with the run of the apartment. Just the two of them.

Without Minho's dominant personality in the mix, there were pockets of comfortable silence in between tracts of relaxed conversation. When Sehun left to use the toilet, Jongin slid his ankles forward so they lay on either side of Junmyeon's right ankle - pressing subtly inwards.

"Stop that, Jongin. Sehun will see." Junmyeon glared at Jongin, trying to move his foot out of the clamp Jongin had made.

"Sehun knows."

"What?!" Junmyeon's eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened in what could only be described as an expression of horror.

"That day when you and hyung were gathering firewood, he said he knew we had a thing."

"And you didn't think it was important to share this with me?" Junmyeon questioned him in scathing tones.

"He won't tell, hyung. You know how Sehunnie is. And he's gay too. He'll never say anything to anyone about this. And why would I tell you Sehun knew? You worry about too many things as it is. If I had told you, you would've had some hissy meltdown for sure."

"I do.not. have hissy meltdowns, Jongin. Wait, he's gay? Well, I can't say I'm completely surprised. I always kind of wondered with Sehun. But you? You, I never suspected. Why couldn't I tell with you?"

But Jongin never had a chance to answer as Sehun came back to the table. So he just concentrated on not letting Junmyeon's ankle escape him. They resumed the conversation that had been interrupted by Sehun's toilet break, and eventually left the restaurant twenty minutes later - sated and smelling of smoky barbequed ribs.

* * *

"Umma, will you be okay on your own?" Jongin sat down on her bed. She was dressed for bed, her face free of makeup and an open book in her lap. Her complexion was fair and she had the beginnings of fine wrinkles under her eyes. Umma was pretty in that slightly faded way women in their late forties were pretty. Jongin had always found his Umma pretty.

"Of course I will, silly. Where are you going?" She brushed Jongin's hair off his forehead like she often did.

"I'll just be across the hallway. Junmyeon hyung and I are going to do a Running Man marathon so I'll just sleep there, okay?"

"Make sure you brush your teeth before you leave the house then. I can't afford to pay for your cavities to be filled."

"Umma!" Jongin protested.

"Stop whining, Jonginnie. Have a good time, son. And don't forget to brush your teeth."

"I love you, Umma." Jongin hugged her, and was struck by how tiny she felt in his arms, "I'll have my phone with me so just call me if you need anything, ok?"

"Ok. Now go. I want to get back to my book. Things are getting interesting. Love you, too."

"'Night, Umma." Jongin shut the door behind him before sprinting over to Junmyeon's. He didn't stop to brush his teeth because he'd already brushed them during his shower - for obvious reasons.

* * *

"Before you say anything, I'm not going home tonight, hyung. I don't care if you want me to go, or try to make me go, I'm not leaving. Umma knows I'm sleeping over." Jongin announced firmly as he found Junmyeon in his bedroom, towel drying his hair.

"You're so bratty, Jongin." Junmyeon shook his head as he sat on the edge of his neatly made bed. Jongin ignored the insult and sat beside him, kissing him and taking the towel from him.

"Let me," Jongin said and he started drying the ends of Junmyeon's short brown hair with the damp towel. Junmyeon bit his bottom lip and sat quietly while Jongin's fingers brushed his scalp and nape gently, mopping up excess moisture with the towel. Finally, Jongin put the towel away and placed his lips on Junmyeon's nape, before pulling him against his chest and wrapping his arms around him. Junmyeon sighed and leaned back into Jongin's embrace.

"I miss you." Jongin smiled against the sensitive skin where Junmyeon's neck met his shoulder.

"But we spent the whole afternoon together." Junmyeon turned so that he was facing Jongin, an indulgent smile lifting the corners of his mouth. It was like this every day. Jongin always said I miss you first while Junmyeon replied with "but we just spent the morning/afternoon/day together." And Jongin would say "Like I said, I miss you." And then Junmyeon would respond with "I miss you too." It had become like an unspoken daily ritual for them.

Junmyeon pulled Jongin down so that they lay next to each other on the mattress. The soft, pale blue cotton sheets felt smooth beneath Jongin's cheek as he lay on his side, staring at Junmyeon's face. He would never tire of watching those expressive eyes and eyebrows, the small pink mouth, the elegant nose and cheekbones, and the barely visible mole above his lip. _Never_.

Junmyeon's hand reached out and touched the centre of Jongin's forehead, letting his fingers trail down slowly, so slowly, over Jongin's eyelids, the bridge and then the tip of his nose, his philtrum ... finally stopping at Jongin's full, sensual lips. His index finger skated slowly over the sensitized surface of his bottom lip and Jongin shuddered, eyes closed, as Junmyeon's gentle fingers were abruptly replaced with his soft, yet firm lips. And then his tongue was teasing the borders of Jongin's mouth, seeking entry ... and Jongin let him in.

As their mouths melded in a tender meeting of tongues, Jongin's right hand settled on Junmyeon's bare waist while his left cupped the nape of his neck and drew him further into his embrace. Then Jongin was hooking his right leg over Junmyeon's left one while his hands roamed the surface of his back, and his lips and tongue feverishly explored the inside of Junmyeon's mouth.

Moments later, Junmyeon made Jongin lie flat on his back while he lay on top of him, his kisses searing the skin on Jongin's neck and collarbones. He was marking the skin above Jongin's right nipple when the younger boy's hand slid roughly over the front of Junmyeon's pajama pants, pressing and rubbing insistently - bringing Junmyeon's cock from semi-hard to hard. Meanwhile, Jongin's already erect cock leapt when he discovered that Junmyeon was naked beneath his thin pajama pants.

Grinding his crotch into Jongin's hand, Junmyeon moaned and cupped the other boy's backside, squeezing it hard. After he'd stroked Junmyeon through the fabric a few more times, Jongin impatiently hooked his thumbs under the elastic waistband of the pants and tugged them down in one swift motion - before Junmyeon had a chance to stop him. Pushing Junmyeon down onto his back, he wrapped his fingers urgently around Junmyeon's erection and gave it a few quick tugs, making Junmyeon groan and cant his hips upwards.

Junmyeon tried to protest when he saw Jongin's mouth moving downwards, "What are you doing Jongin? We've never done this before ... we should ..." But his groan only deepened when he felt Jongin's mouth moving slowly over him and his fingers gripped the bedsheets tightly - all thoughts of stopping Jongin scattering like dandelion seeds in the wind. His back arched and his body tensed as Jongin's mouth enveloped his cock and started moving up and down rhythmically.

"Jongin, please," Junmyeon's voice was desperate.

"Please what, hyung? Stop?"

"No, no, please don't stop," Junmyeon's hand gripped Jongin's shoulder as his tongue licked the tip of his cock. And then there was no more talking as Jongin concentrated on pleasuring the older boy and it wasn't long before he was panting and calling Jongin's name and _I'm going to come soon_. It only took a few pulls of Jongin's hand before Junmyeon came undone - Jongin's name echoing on his lips. In the aftermath, Jongin brushed Junmyeon's fringe off his forehead, and kissed him, whispering I love you so much, hyung into his skin.

"I love you too, Jongin. I love you so much." Junmyeon held Jongin close, stroking the back of his head quietly for a little while. Then his hand moved down slowly to find Jongin still hard and wanting. "Your turn, Jonginnie."

"You don't have to do this ... oh-" And then Jongin was arching his back, giving husky moans of pleasure as Junmyeon took him in his mouth ...

* * *

"Where did you learn to do that, you little shit?" Junmyeon smacked Jongin's arm later. "Was it that blue belt from Geongju High? You did this with him?" A note of jealousy had crept into his voice.

"No! I was only 15!"

"Then where? Was there someone else? Tell me."

"No! I watched a porn vid on the Internet, ok?" Jongin covered his face with a pillow, embarrassed.

"So it was the first time for you?"

"Yes it was. I'm not as experienced as you, hyung. Although I'm pretty sure you've never given another guy head either."

"Jongin!" Junmyeon punched his arm, cheeks flaming.

"Ouch, hyung! That hurt!" Jongin half groaned, half chuckled as Junmyeon pinned him down. Then, almost sheepishly, Junmyeon admitted, "Actually, none of my girlfriends and I ever ... got that far."

"So you mean that was your first blow job?" Jongin got up to look at Junmyeon curiously and the older boy turned away from Jongin to face the wall, his face squashed into his pillow. "Well, was it your first?" Junmyeon muttered something inaudible that sounded like yes and Jongin laughed, wrapping his arms around him in delight while Junmyeon buried his face further into the pillow.

"Hyung, remember that time I wished we could just go to sleep together and wake up together?" Jongin asked softly and his question drew Junmyeon back from hiding - the older boy turning to face Jongin, their noses almost touching.

"I remember." Junmyeon said but why did he look so sad? Jongin didn't like it when Junmyeon looked sad.

"Hyung, is something wrong?"

"Nothing that can't wait. I'll tell you on Sunday, ok? Tomorrow, I'm taking you out for dinner and then maybe ... would you like to stay the night again?"

"Just try and stop me." Jongin grinned. Then he was leaning forward, their lips meeting in a tender, playful kiss. Bodies and hearts and souls entwined, Junmyeon and Jongin talked and laughed till they fell asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

**Seoul, 2011 ... Two days later**

**Before Jongin's eyelids even flickered open, his senses were filled with Junmyeon - the minty scent of his hair and that irresistible scent of Junmyeon mixed with the citrusy soap he used. He snuggled closer to Junmyeon's warmth and pressed the tip of his nose against his nape and inhaled, eyes closing again in bliss.**

**"Jongin-ah," Junmyeon's hands covered Jongin's, holding them tightly.**

**"Hyung, you're awake?"**

**"I've been awake for a while now." Junmyeon sounded and looked serious and a lump of dread began forming in Jongin's stomach.**

**"Why didn't you wake me?" Jongin complained - trying to lighten the atmosphere.**

**"I don't know. I must have liked the feel of your snore vibrating against my back." Junmyeon's slim, cool fingers cupped the edges of Jongin's jaw. Junmyeon's fingers were always slightly less than warm and Jongin liked to take them in his and rub them till they were warm.**

**"We need to talk, Jongin." Junmyeon's eyes were downcast and his voice serious.**

**"Let's ... Let's do that later, hyung. Who knows when we'll have a chance to wake up beside each other again. Can we not talk about serious stuff now? After breakfast, ok?" And then Jongin was distracting him with kisses and roaming, groping hands and Junmyeon surrendered - helpless to his amorous attentions ...**

****

* * *

They were back in Junmyeon's room after breakfast and a shower. Junmyeon had tried to make Jongin go home to shower but the younger boy had convinced him that they should shower together, "It's an en suite so no one can walk in on us. Please, hyung?" Needless to say, Jongin succeeded in persuading him, and their shower had taken much longer than it should have as they explored each other's bodies in the warm liquid spray. Jongin had said, "So this is what kissing in the rain feels like," and Junmyeon had laughed, saying "You're so silly, Jonginnie," and Jongin had shut him up with a series of passionate kisses as water droplets rained down on them.

So even though Junmyeon had known he shouldn't have agreed to showering together, he couldn't regret for even one moment, the making of another memory to take with him. But now it was time; he couldn't put it off any longer. Taking Jongin's hands in his, he led him to the bed and sat him down. That cold, hard lump of dread was back in Jongin's gut.

"I got a letter of acceptance in the mail four days ago. From Dongik University in Busan ... to do Ecology. They're allowing me to transfer my credits so I won't have to start as a freshman."

"But you're studying in Hongik University in Seoul. You're in _Seoul_ ," Jongin said insistently - refusing to listen to what Junmyeon was telling him.

"Semester is starting in about two weeks' time, Jongin."

"But you're studying here, hyung. Not Busan. You study in _Seoul_." Jongin's hands were always warm, but suddenly they felt cold all the way through.

"We grew up together, Jongin. We've always been together and you've not really given yourself a chance to meet anyone else or be with anyone else."

"I don't need anyone else, hyung. I only want you." Tears were beginning to flow unchecked down Jongin's cheeks and Junmyeon brushed them away gently with shaky fingers before wiping moisture from his own cheeks with the back of his palm.

"I know you think you want only me but I want you to meet other people and go out on dates. Give it a chance, that's all I ask. It's too hard for us to date now. I'm a coward, Jongin. So many people will get hurt if we start dating. Your mom, my parents. Sunyoung. And Minho. Minho will probably try to kill me," Junmyeon tried to joke even though his chest was choking from the pain of a separation which hadn't even happened yet.

"What about me? Doesn't hurting me matter?" Jongin's voice and his face resonated with pain, "Don't I matter?" And Junmyeon hugged him close to his heart, desperate to comfort him.

"Of course you matter, Jonginnie. You matter more to me than anything, but I need to give you space to find yourself, to find out who you are without me. We've spent the past ten years being so much a part of each other's lives that we don't even know where one person starts and where the other ends."

"I know who I am, please believe me. Hyung, you can't leave me. You've been with me my whole life, I can't be without you; I don't know how to be without you. Please don't leave me." Jongin's heart was pounding in his ears as he pleaded harder than he'd ever done, "Hyung, please," Junmyeon always gave in to Jongin's pleas so he would do it again. He never said said no to Jongin, right? So he would change his mind and stay because Junmyeon hyung never said no to Jongin.

"I'm not leaving you, Jongin. I could never do that. I'm just going away for a while. Just two years, Jonginnie. It'll be over before you know it. And if you still want me in two years' time, I'm yours." Junmyeon's eyes were red and tearing but his voice was mostly calm as he held Jongin's flushed face in his hands, "I love you, Jongin. No matter what happens, I love you."

"Well, I hate you. I hate you because you're leaving me and I hate you for not trusting me." Jongin said miserably as he bunched the fabric of Junmyeon's shirt in his fists.

"I know, Jongin, I know. I'm sorry I'm such a coward."

"I can be brave enough for both of us. Hyung, don't go. Don't leave me. I love you so much. I can't be without you - don't make me be without you. I don't know how to be without you!" Jongin sobbed into Junmyeon's shoulder, more wounded than he'd ever been in his life.

But Junmyeon didn't answer. He just hugged Jongin tightly as the younger boy railed at him. His own heart was breaking but he didn't have time to deal with it now. He had to look after Jongin now.

Everything had always been about Jongin.

* * *

Jongin's fist hammered on the door loud and fast, and agitatedly, he wiped away the tracks of hot tears on his cheeks.

"What ...?" Sehun managed to get out before Jongin launched himself at him.

"He's leaving, Sehun. He's leaving me." Jongin's words were muffled as he buried his face in Sehun's sweatshirt. Sehun didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around Jongin as the other boy's body shook with silent tears. Sehun sighed as he pushed the door shut and guided Jongin to the sofa. He'd been waiting for this moment since Junmyeon had shown up on his doorstep that day.

* * *

**Seoul, 2011 ... Two days earlier**

"Hey Sehun," Junmyeon's face and voice were infused by melancholy.

"Hyung, come in. Is this," Sehun scratched the back of his neck, "Is this about Jongin?"

"Jongin told me you know about us?" Junmyeon asked tentatively and Sehun nodded, yes.

"I'll be leaving in a couple of weeks. For Busan. I applied for a transfer to Dongik University and they accepted so I'm going to be there for the next two years. I ... I won't be coming back till I finish. Do you understand, Sehun?"

"Two years is a long time, hyung."

"I need to give Jongin time and space to just be without me. And he won't see anyone else if I'm here. You know how stubborn he can be," Junmyeon's voice cracked as he said the word stubborn and he hastily wiped away some telltale moisture from his eyes.

"Yes, hyung," Sehun agreed quietly.

"So I need you ... I need you to look after him when I'm gone. He'll need a friend. He'll need you soon - I'm going to tell him tomorrow or maybe the day after that."

"Isn't there another way? This is so extreme. It's gonna be really hard on him."

"This is the only way. Jongin hasn't ever dated anyone properly. Like out in the open. So I'm worried he might find out later that he regrets being stuck with me - so I just want him to see other people first so he can be sure. Do you know what I mean? I know I'm asking a lot of you, Sehun but I need you to be there for him. I'd ask Minho but he doesn't know about us and anyway, he's not the right person for it. But you, I know you'd look after Jongin even if I didn't ask it of you. So please take care of my Jonginnie?"

"You know I will, hyung." Sehun said sincerely. Then he asked worriedly, "But are you going to cut him off completely? If he tries to contact you I mean?"

"I wish I could. It would make things so much easier, but I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next two years in Busan without him. So if Jongin doesn't hate me too badly and still wants to keep in touch, I wouldn't be able to ignore him. It would be like ... I just couldn't. It's Jongin."

"I'm glad."

"Thanks for doing this, Sehun. You really are a good friend. I've gotta go now." Junmyeon got up quickly and made his way to the front door with Sehun following close behind.

"Take care, hyung. And don't worry about Jongin. I'll look out for him."

"Thanks, Sehun. I mean it." Junmyeon gave him a wistful smile and left. He walked quickly to the stairwell and the fire exit door had barely shut before the tears started flowing freely. Telling Sehun had made the coming separation so much more real and he was suddenly gasping for air as he imagined not having Jongin beside him or across the hallway from him. As his heart ached with fear and desperation and an unspeakable sadness, Junmyeon sat on the stairs and wept inconsolably - salty drops of desolation soaking into the sleeves of his jacket as he bent over his knees, his thin body racked with sobs.


	6. Part 6

**_CHAPTER 10: Bittersweet_ **

**Seoul, 2001**

 

Jongin's knees were folded close to his chest and he sobbed as soundlessly as he could. But it was still too loud. He didn't want to go into the apartment because hyung would tease him if he saw, "Jongin you're such a cry baby. Are you sure you're 7 years old?" And Umma didn't know he'd snuck downstairs to play on his own so he couldn't let her find out either. That was why Jongin had to be as quiet as possible. That was why Jongin was sitting next to the door of the apartment opposite his own - so that his family wouldn't hear him crying.

Consumed by a wave of self-pity, Jongin suddenly wished Appa were here. Appa would have sat him on his lap and sung him a song to make him feel better. But Appa was gone. The road had been slippery, he'd overheard the police tell Umma. A truck had hit her husband's car and he hadn't made it to the hospital. Thinking of Appa only made Jongin cry a little louder and he tried to muffle the sobs in his sleeve - wiping his tears as he did. He wanted his Appa. He missed his Appa so much. Fat, hot tears stained his murky brown shorts as he continued to sob. He straightened his right leg and peered nervously at his throbbing shin. The blood was starting to dry already but the sight of the large, ugly gash and the deep violet bruise blooming around it, filled him with fresh horror and he resumed his earlier sobbing.

But Jongin was stunned into silence when a bottle of banana milk slid into view - a pale, skinny hand pushing it along slowly. It was his favorite Binggrae banana milk. Still taking large gulps of air as he tried to calm down, Jongin looked up to see a pale boy sitting cross legged, a few feet away from him. The boy looked around his hyung's age and the rest of him was just as skinny as his hand was. But he looked kind - much kinder than his hyung.

"You should drink it now. It's nicer when it's cold." The boy tore the plastic wrapping off the drinking straw and pierced the foil top before sliding the bottle to a spot right next to Jongin's hand. Umma was always reminding Jongin not to accept things from strangers but this boy looked so nice and he was so thirsty from all that crying, so Jongin gratefully took a sip. The cold liquid soothed his parched throat and he thanked the other boy.

"My name is Junmyeon. What's yours? We just moved here three days ago."

"Jongin," he slurped the milk noisily, "My name is Jongin. I live there." He pointed at the door opposite from them.

"Well, that's my door you're sitting next to." Junmyeon pointed at his apartment door as Jongin had pointed at his own. "What happened to your leg, Jongin?"

"I fell down. In the playground."

"Why aren't you at home getting that wound cleaned?" The boy asked just a little curiously.

"I wasn't supposed to be downstairs. If I go home now, Umma will be mad and hyung will be mean."

"Do you want me to clean it for you? I'm pretty good with antiseptic." Junmyeon offered.

Jongin was pretty sure Umma had told him never to follow strangers anywhere but Junmyeon wasn't technically a stranger right? Since he was a neighbor? So Jongin nodded and Junmyeon helped him up and brought him into his apartment. They had to walk past some open crates and neat piles of things to get to the kitchen. As Junmyeon cleaned his gash carefully with Dettol and some cotton wool, Jongin's nose wrinkled at the unpleasant smell and he winced when the amber liquid came into contact with his open wound. Lastly, Junmyeon applied a layer of antiseptic gel on the wound with a cotton bud.

When all that was done, Junmyeon gave Jongin a Choco-Pie and they talked about which Digimon monsters were the most awesome. Junmyeon even let him play with some of his Digimon action figures.

"You should go home now, Jongin, before your Umma gets worried." Junmyeon said after a while.

"Ok. But can I come back to play tomorrow?"

"Sure you can."

"Thanks, hyung. But can you not put Dettol on my leg tomorrow?" Jongin looked sincerely worried.

"Ok, Jongin. Don't go to the playground by yourself anymore, ok?"

"Ok." Jongin nodded but he had his fingers crossed behind his back and he hoped Junmyeon hyung wouldn't notice ...

 

**Seoul, 2011**

That was the first of many cuts and gashes Junmyeon had patched up for Jongin over the coming years. So it hurt Jongin even more that now Junmyeon was the one who'd torn a wound open in Jongin's chest - a wound so deep it couldn't be fixed with Dettol and antiseptic gel. As Jongin hugged the pillow stiflingly close to his chest and curled into foetal position, he felt as if he would never recover from the pain ...

* * *

The door opened slowly to reveal the petite figure of Jongin's umma standing in the doorway. Her face lit up in delighted surprise to see Junmyeon.

"Omoni, is Jongin at home?"

"Junmyeon-ah, I'm so glad to see you. Jongin wouldn't come out of his room for dinner. And he was in there all afternoon. Do you know what's wrong?" Lines of worry were etched into her face and Junmyeon felt like the worst kind of jerk.

"I ... I'm not sure. Maybe I can bring some food in for him, omoni."

"Ok, just give me a minute to heat it up." She disappeared into the kitchen and emerged a few minutes later with a plate of steaming rice interspersed with portions of bulgogi, cabbage and three kinds of banchan, "Try to make him eat, Junmyeon? I'm not sure if he even ate lunch."

"I'll try my best." Junmyeon rapped on Jongin's door once but before he could say anything, he heard Jongin's muffled voice.

"Go away, hyung."

"It's not Minho, it's -"

"I know who it is. You always knock just once. Go away, hyung. I don't want to see you right now."

"Jongin are you ok, son?" Jongin's umma was hovering worriedly behind Junmyeon, "Jongin, you haven't eaten dinner, I'm worried. Please eat something at least?"

When Jongin heard his mother's troubled voice he caved and shuffled reluctantly to the door, opening it a crack. He stayed behind the door though, as he didn't want her to know he'd been crying for most of the day.

"Umma, I'm fine. Don't worry, please? I'll eat my dinner and I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? I'm just really tired right now."

"Ok then. But make sure you eat something, Jonginnie."

"I will, Umma. Goodnight." Jongin opened the door just enough for Junmyeon to enter - just enough so he knew that while Jongin was letting him in, he wasn't exactly welcome.

Jongin locked the door and leaned against it. His movements lacked the natural energy they usually possessed. His face was sullen and his eyes, trained very deliberately on the floor, were puffy and bloodshot. Junmyeon put the food on the table and went to stand in front of him. Very tentatively, he placed his hands on Jongin's waist and was endlessly relieved when the younger boy didn't draw away.

"Jonginnie, I'm so sorry." Junmyeon whispered, his heart breaking when Jongin flinched at his use of the nickname. But he didn't falter and gently, very gently, he pulled Jongin into his arms. He didn't resist, letting his head hang down so his forehead rested on Junmyeon's chest, "I'm so sorry." His hand cradled Jongin's head, stroking his fine, dark hair. And a few moments later, he felt Jongin sigh in surrender, settling reluctantly into his embrace. Junmyeon tightened his arms, whispering I love you. I love you, Jongin into his ear. 

“I know why you think you’re doing this, but how could you do this to me, hyung? To us?” Jongin’s words were calm, restrained even, but they tasted of sorrow. 

“I just want you to have options. I want you to have the chance to spread your wings on your own.”

“I can do that with you here.” Jongin insisted stubbornly.

“Not in the same way. And you won’t see anyone else if I’m here. You’ve always been a stubborn ass, Kim Jongin.” Junmyeon’s lame attempt at humor fell flat as Jongin didn’t even crack a smile.

“Why do I have to see anyone else? I don’t need to do that because I already know who I want even if he’s leaving me. You didn’t even talk this over with me, you asshole.”

“Ok, I deserved that. Maybe I want you to date other people because I’m being selfish? I’ve been with other people and I know what I have with you is so much more, and I just want you to have something to compare us to. If you left me later on because you met someone else, I don’t know if I could take it, Jonginnie. So if you’re going to leave me, it would hurt me less if you left me now before I have a chance to get really attached to you and … I’m sorry I’m not making sense,”

“First of all, you’re already attached to me. We’ve been attached to each other for ten years! Secondly, I would never leave you, hyung. I would never be able to walk away from you. And I have been with someone – Minhyuk from Yeongju High.” Jongin had never mentioned the other boy’s name before this and Junmyeon hadn’t expected that hearing his name could hurt so much.

“That’s not the same, Jongin. You guys didn’t date. You just … messed about behind closed doors.”

Jongin had no answer for that. After a few moments’ silence, he finally asked, “Is it too late to back out of studying in Busan?”

“Yes. And even if I could back out, I wouldn’t. This is like a test. If we’re meant to be, we’re meant to be. Two years apart won’t matter at all.”

“You’re such an idiot, hyung. Of course it matters! It’s two years of not being with each other!”

“We can text and Skype each other if you want to, Jongin.” Junmyeon probed, watching the other boy hopefully as he held Jongin’s hands in his.

“Do you mean that?” Jongin’s tone was suspicious and Junmyeon’s chest ached – he had done this to Jongin. He had made Jongin distrust him.

“Yes, I really mean that, Jonginnie. And I really want you to see other people now because once I’m back and we start dating, I’m never letting you go. I meant what I said this morning. No matter what happens or how angry you are with me, I love you Jongin. I love you so very much.” Junmyeon nuzzled Jongin’s neck and kissed him.

“I love you too, hyung, but you hurt me.” Jongin couldn’t quite hide the sense of betrayal and Junmyeon felt himself die a little inside. What if Jongin never forgave him?

“I know I hurt you. I’m hurting too but I need to go away. I need to do this. We need to do this.”

Jongin refused to respond but Junmyeon could tell that he was losing his resolve. Junmyeon guided Jongin to his bed and made him lie down. As he lay down beside him, Junmyeon caressed Jongin’s face fondly, “Do you feel better now?”

“I’d feel a lot better if you weren’t leaving, you prick!” Jongin punched Junmyeon’s shoulder harder than he normally did, but he allowed the older boy to hold him close and kiss his forehead. Junmyeon’s lips brushed against Jongin’s tear-puffed eyelids in the lightest of butterfly kisses, “I’m sorry I made you cry, Jonginnie. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. We’ve got two weeks left – let’s not waste it. I know you’re mad at me but let’s just pretend you’re not for now. Can we, Jongin?”

Jongin grumbled something that sounded like assent and then his lips covered Junmyeon’s. He could never really say no to his hyung either. Quietly, they lay on the bed – limbs and hearts helplessly entangled – until Jongin’s tummy complained noisily.

"Did you even eat lunch?" Junmyeon's voice was full of concern as his palm made a wide circle over Jongin's flat, taut stomach. The other boy's muscles rippled slightly in response to the tingling sensations Junmyeon's skin made against the sensitive skin of his belly.

"Jongin, did you have lunch?" Junmyeon was beginning to sound anxious as he repeated his question. But before Jongin could even form an answer, his stomach rumbled loudly in reply.

"I think that was a no?" Junmyeon frowned and reached for the plate on the bedside table. "Let's get some food inside of you." He offered Jongin a spoonful of rice and bulgogi despite his halfhearted protests that he didn't feel like eating anything right now.

"Don't want." Jongin shook his head and Junmyeon's heart twisted at how tired and drained Jongin looked. He wasn't much better off himself but he'd had the past few weeks to prepare himself for the separation whereas Jongin had been hit with everything all at once that morning.

"You have to," the spoon hovered right in front of Jongin's mouth and Junmyeon waited till the aroma of the food tempted the other boy into opening his mouth. Jongin chewed slowly with a tortured expression on his face - as if the tender bulgogi had the texture of old shoe leather.

"Don't be melodramatic. Your umma's bulgogi is always perfect." Junmyeon kissed his cheek and persuaded him to eat another mouthful. Two spoonfuls later, Jongin commandeered the spoon and chopsticks and finished everything that remained on the plate unenthusiastically.

"Promise me you'll eat even when I'm not here to make sure you do." Junmyeon took the plate from him and stored it back on the table.

"Don't go and you won't have to worry." Jongin glared at him.

"You know I can't do that."

"Of course you can. Just don't go. Stay here with me." And even though Jongin thought he'd used up every tear his body had to give, he could feel one trickle down his cheek.

"Oh, Jongin." Junmyeon's voice quavered slightly, his own eyelashes glistening with tears as he took Jongin in his arms again - their bodies curved into each other's on the double bed, drawing comfort and warmth from each other.

"I'm going to stay here tonight. Is that ok?" Junmyeon played with Jongin's fingers pensively and Jongin nodded without a moment's hesitation. "Go and have a shower, Jongin. You'll feel better. I'm gonna go home and grab some stuff and tell my parents I'll be staying here tonight. Is that ok?"

"Come back soon, hyung." Jongin rubbed his face into Junmyeon's chest, the faint scent of laundry detergent and Junmyeon tickling his nose.

"Make sure you shower, ok?"

"Stop nagging." Jongin grumbled, his words getting lost in the folds of Junmyeon's gray t-shirt. Junmyeon stayed quiet then, just stroking the back of Jongin's head soothingly for a while.

* * *

"Did he eat?" A worried voice asked from behind Junmyeon as he placed the dripping dish on the drying rack.

“Yes, omoni. He finished everything.”

“What has him so upset? You’re close to him, Junmyeon, what happened?”

“He’ll tell you himself when he’s ready … but I think he’ll be ok. I’m going to stay with him tonight; is that all right with you?”

“Yes, of course, Junmyeon. That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you, dear.” Jongin’s umma sighed with relief.

* * *

“Hey.” Junmyeon wrapped his arms securely around Jongin’s shoulders as he found the younger boy lying on his tummy, hugging his pillow to his chest with his eyes shut.

“My eyes hurt.”

“I’m sorry I made them hurt.” Junmyeon’s lips sought Jongin’s tentatively, as if seeking permission.

“Just make sure you don’t fall in love with some asshat from Busan. I know who I want even if you don’t.”

“I only want you, Jongin. I won’t fall in love with some asshat from Busan.”

“Do you mean that?” Jongin’s eyes were still accusing.

“You know I do.”

“I’m still mad at you. I’m going to be mad at you for a long time.” He poked Junmyeon in the chest.

“I know.” Junmyeon said sadly.

“But I can’t be without you either so I’ll try to be ok about this.” Jongin sighed into Junmyeon’s neck.

“Thank you, Jongin. I love you so much.” Junmyeon hugged him tightly and the kisses that followed were filled with an almost painful kind of longing. Finally, exhausted from the day’s emotional turmoil, the two best friends clung to each other and fell asleep. Just before Junmyeon surrendered to oblivion, he thought to himself, they still had a long and difficult journey ahead of them, but this at least, was a start.

* * *

A week before Junmyeon's departure, on a rainy, lazy afternoon, Jongin and Junmyeon had decided to take selcas in the latter's room. Jongin's arms had been wrapped around him and their cheeks had been pressed close together. Beams of watery sunlight had been streaming in through the window behind them, creating pale silvery halos around their faces. But while both of them had strived to look happy, there had been an element of sadness, an air of melancholy in their smiles that neither could quite conceal.

Jongin had put the Polaroid camera on the bedside table carefully before turning to hold Junmyeon's face in his hands - a face he knew he wouldn't be able to reach out and touch after next Wednesday. Making a small sound of pain, Jongin crushed Junmyeon's lips in a searing, needy kiss - trying to put his mark on him, to seal their love for each other. Pushing him back onto the bed, Jongin pleaded, "Make love to me, hyung. Make me forget."

Reverently, Junmyeon imprinted his skin with ardent kisses - his neck, shoulder, collarbones. Slowly, he removed Jongin's t-shirt, dropping kisses on his abdomen and engulfing brownish pink nipples with his hot mouth. His tongue played with them till they were erect and Jongin was whimpering, "Hyung, I need you. I need more." And then Junmyeon was dragging his gym pants off, and palming the front of Jongin's dark briefs. Jongin was so hopelessly aroused that his cock was straining against the fabric - the tip poking out of the waistband. Junmyeon was struggling with his own desires but he ignored them and concentrated on pleasuring Jongin. Impulsively, he licked the head of Jongin's cock just before he removed that final layer of dark cotton and the younger boy moaned loudly, his back bowing at the unbearable tightness in his groin.

"Hyung, I want to feel your skin against mine." And Junmyeon's skin flushed a shade of dusky rose as Jongin watched him take his shirt off. He always felt a little self-conscious of his slight, thin body even though Jongin never did anything but worship it. The younger boy's fingers trailed over Junmyeon's shoulders, and down the planes of his flanks, his narrow hips, before tracing the lines of his neatly curved backside - lovingly memorizing Junmyeon's body.

Words of love tumbled out of their mouths as they rediscovered each other's bodies and tried to make the most of what borrowed time they had left. Exchanging urgent kisses and stroking and sucking each other off with abandon, Jongin and Junmyeon were eventually brought to a shuddering, bittersweet completion. Bodies utterly spent, they snuggled close to each other and drifted off to sleep - forgetting for a while at least that they would have to say goodbye to each other in a week's time.

* * *

They spent almost every waking moment together. So while the four friends still did things together, it was mostly Junmyeon and Jongin hanging out on their own. If Minho noticed, he wasn't saying anything about it to either of them and Jongin was glad. Minho had taken the news of Junmyeon's transfer with a typical lack of curiosity about the hows and whys - only wanting to know how long Junmyeon would be gone and could he go visit sometime?

One night, Jongin and Junmyeon had gone for coffee at the Paris Baguette Cafe in the pretty Garusogil area. They'd talked till late, their knees and ankles touching surreptitiously under the table as they slowly sipped lattes and Americanos – and when they eventually left the café, it had been almost midnight. As they walked along the tree-lined avenue, it had begun to drizzle and Jongin had pulled Junmyeon into a small side street and tenderly taken possession of his lips as drops of rain fell on their faces, "Now we really have kissed in the rain for real, hyung." And Junmyeon had scolded him for being silly before kissing him back with a desperate kind of passion. They'd stood in the rain for ages, holding each other close - neither of them knowing where the rain started and where their tears ended.

* * *

On a few nights, Jongin had called Junmyeon on the house phone before bedtime so they could talk to each other till they fell asleep. Sometimes they managed to hang up before drifting off but other times, they woke up the next morning to hear a quiet snore on the other end. On one such morning, Minho happened to pick up the living room extension to make a call. Confused by the noises he had heard, he'd yelled "Yobseoyo?!" really loudly and awoken the two boys who quickly hung up before he had a chance to ask who was on the phone and what the hell was going on. They'd both laughed so hard later on at how perplexed and furious Minho had sounded.

Before they knew it, it was the night before Junmyeon was to leave. Junmyeon's parents had held a special farewell dinner for their son the night before, where they'd invited close family members and also Jongin, Minho and their mom. Tonight was just about Junmyeon doing his final packing and saying his goodbyes to his parents. Umma had been quite emotional and cried a lot. Junmyeon had placated her by saying they would talk often and he'd send them lots of pictures so they'd know he was ok. Appa had patted him on the shoulder and repeated sound advice about how to get by living on his own. They were in their own rooms by ten that night and Junmyeon quietly finished up his packing - trying very hard not to think about where he'd be this time the next day.

He was zipping up his large, electric blue suitcase when he heard the door open.

"Hyung," was all Jongin said before he engulfed Junmyeon in his arms, his eyes beginning to well with tears, "Can't you miss your train tomorrow? Just stay, please? I don't know how to be without you."

"You'll be ok, Jongin, you're strong, I know you are. I need you to be strong now. Please, Jongin? If you don't help me, I won't make it." And Junmyeon, who had been the calm one in the past two weeks, was suddenly sobbing into Jongin's shoulder while Jongin whispered words of comfort and stroked his hair the way Junmyeon always stroked his hair.

"I'll be strong, hyung. I'll try, I promise. Please stop crying. We'll talk every day so it's almost like you never left." Jongin's own cheeks were wet with tears now but in a sudden moment of maturity he realized that Junmyeon was the one who would suffer most with their parting. He would be going to a strange new place and leaving all of them behind. It was time for Jongin to stop being selfish; it was time for him to start thinking of Junmyeon.

"I'd like that. I'm going to miss you so much, Jonginnie." Junmyeon buried his face in Jongin's strong chest as the other boy pulled him closer.

"I'll miss you too, hyung. More than you know. But it'll be ok. We'll be ok, you'll see." Jongin's palm rubbed calming circles on Junmyeon's back as the older boy gradually got his emotions under control.

"When did you get so wise, Kim Jongin? You're only 17." Junmyeon gave a wan smile, his hand brushing the hair off Jongin's forehead.

"My best friend taught me to be wise." Jongin smiled wistfully just before he kissed Junmyeon, his hands cupping Junmyeon's jaw. "I'm going to miss this mole," he dropped a kiss on the mole above Junmyeon's lip. "If it weren't for this mole, I might never have told you how I felt about you. You have no idea how much it’s meant to me - these past two months we spent together. You have no idea how much I cherish you, hyung."

"I ..." Junmyeon couldn’t find the words so he hugged Jongin instead and kissed him with the desperation of a drowning man. They made love slowly that night, trying to commit each other's bodies and faces to memory. Every touch, kiss, and caress had a touch of the bittersweet to it and Jongin and Junmyeon knew that no one else would ever do for them. No one else would ever be enough …

 

**_CHAPTER 11: Yearning_ **

_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love I'll pick you up when you're getting down And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind I'll do it all for you in time And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_ [Words from Lego House by Ed Sheeran]

**Seoul, 2011**

 

"Shouldn't you be going home, Jonginnie? Your umma will be worried?" Junmyeon was too emotionally drained to be truly concerned about omoni but his instinct to be responsible made him ask. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, fingers interlaced.

"I told Umma after dinner that I might stay over - since you're … you’re leaving in the morning, and I won't be seeing you for a while."

"Did Minho give you any shit about it? Because I told him I didn't want to hang out tonight - that I just wanted to pack and be alone."

"I went to see Umma in her room so he doesn't actually know. Not unless she tells him anyway. You look pretty awful, hyung." Jongin's eyes were sad as his fingertips traced Junmyeon's distended eyelids with featherlight touches.

"You don't look so pretty yourself, Kim Jongin." Junmyeon gave a weak smile as his fingertips traced Jongin's puffy lids too. Then his palm was sliding slowly over Jongin's jaw, the coarse stubble evoking memories of a sunny afternoon in the summer Jongin turned 16.

"Remember when you asked me to teach you how to shave?" Junmyeon continued stroking Jongin's jaw as he reminisced. He felt the muscles move beneath his fingertips as Jongin smiled and nodded, how could I forget, hyung?

**Seoul, 2010**

Jongin had come to him about a year ago, asking him how to shave. “Why didn't you ask your hyung?” Junmyeon had asked, and Jongin had complained that Minho was so impatient he'd probably need at least 4 band aids for all the cuts on his face by the time the lesson was over.

Sighing, Junmyeon had agreed to give Jongin a shaving demonstration. The younger boy had watched intently as Junmyeon lathered a generous amount of shaving foam all over his jaw, then he kept his eyes focused on the Gillette razor in Junmyeon's hand. “Lucky I didn't shave this morning,” Junmyeon had joked as the razor glided smoothly over his slim jaw. “Pay attention, hyung! What if you cut yourself? I'm no good with antiseptic.” Junmyeon had laughed then, “You don't need antiseptic, silly. That's what aftershave is for!”

After Jongin's jaw had disappeared behind a liberal layer of foam, Junmyeon made him hold the razor and talked him through the process. “No, you're not holding it right. Here, let me show you,” And Junmyeon had clasped Jongin's hand in his and helped him pilot the razor across his jaw but the angle was awkward and they'd nicked some skin. 

“This isn't working. Wait.” And Junmyeon had stood behind Jongin and helped him to hold the razor. When had Jongin gotten so much taller than him? He'd pondered as he watched the blade forge a clean path through the foam. The smell of Jongin's hair had teased his senses. Apples and sunlight, that's what his hair smelt like. The skin of Jongin's hand felt warm against his own and Junmyeon could have sworn his fingers shook a little, but he dismissed the thought as they methodically removed all the foam and stubble off Jongin's jaw.

They'd both stared at their reflections in Junmyeon's bathroom mirror for a few seconds. When had Jongin's jaw gotten so angular? But he didn't ask him that, saying instead, “There, you're all set. Try not to turn yourself into a bleeding mess tomorrow, ok?” Junmyeon had grinned at Jongin, who looked a little unsettled for some reason.

"Thanks, hyung for teaching me."

"It's ok, Jongin. But you'd better buy some aftershave - just in case you um, cut yourself."

"But which one do I buy? Where do I get -"

"I'll take you. Come on." Junmyeon sighed. Junmyeon sighed a lot when Jongin was around.

**Seoul, 2011**

"My hand was shaking so bad it's lucky you held it or I'd have needed a whole stack of band aids." Jongin admitted sheepishly.

"So your hand was shaking - I thought I was imagining it. But why, Jonginnie?"

"Hyung, you're so clueless! Because I was totally into you and you were practically hugging me from behind. How could I not react?" Jongin punched his arm.

"You already liked me then?"

"It was three months after I started liking you, I think."

"Oh, Jongin." Junmyeon leaned in and kissed his forehead. Then their lips met in a tender kiss that tasted of goodbyes. Junmyeon's nose rubbed against Jongin's a few times and he cursed inwardly as he felt moisture building up behind his eyes again.

“Hyung, don’t. Please don’t,” Jongin said softly as he gathered Junmyeon in his arms and just held on tight. Emotionally frayed and physically exhausted, they clung to each other and eventually let sleep claim them amid a ripple of whispered promises and whole-souled kisses.

* * *

It was drizzling when they arrived at the Seoul Station – the weather an unwanted mirror of everyone’s somber mood. They were standing near the gate to Platform 8, and Junmyeon’s umma was not even making any attempt to conceal her loud sobbing. Her husband had put his arm around her shoulders immediately after Junmyeon and his parents had hugged. Junmyeon was now exchanging quick hugs with Minho and Sehun, and then it was Jongin’s turn. By some unspoken agreement, Jongin and Junmyeon had walked closer to the departure gate and a distance away from the rest of the group – both way past caring what the others might think. 

The two boys had made a pact in the early hours of dawn, to be normal at the station. There would be no tears or emotion. They would be as strong as they could be. But when Junmyeon felt Jongin’s familiar arms around his back, an almost inaudible sob escaped and Junmyeon’s shoulders shook with emotion as he rested his forehead on Jongin’s chest. Softly, Jongin said, “You’ll be ok. I meant what I said. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, hyung, even if you’re leaving town just to get away from me. I love you always.” It was taking everything Jongin had to keep his own emotions under control but he knew he had to or they’d both break down, and Junmyeon didn’t need that right now. After a minute or two, Junmyeon straightened and attempted a brave smile.

“I love you too, Jongin. Always. Take care of yourself, brat. Don’t forget to eat and don’t make your umma worry about you.”

“I will. Now you’d better go before you miss the train.” Jongin wanted more than anything to hold Junmyeon close and beg him to miss his train and to never let him go. But instead, he clasped his shoulder tightly.

And then Junmyeon was waving to everyone and walking further and further away, while Jongin willed him to stop and come back. But he didn’t.

“Dude, you ok?” Sehun was suddenly standing right beside Jongin.

“Not really.” Jongin managed to say.

“Hyung, you guys go ahead. Jongin and I have some place we need to be.” Jongin heard Sehun say to Minho and for a moment, it seemed like his older brother was going to question it - but in the end he just nodded quietly and Sehun took Jongin by the arm and led him out of the station.

* * *

It was only an hour later that the shock wore off for Jongin and he sobbed into his hands as he sat beside Sehun on a park bench not too far away fr the station. Sehun didn’t say a word, only putting his arm around his best friend’s shoulder and waiting for him to finish. For Junmyeon, the numbness had given way to fresh sorrow just after the train left the city limits, and his tears began streaming down his cheeks as he watched the countryside hurtle past him in a green and sky blue blur.

**Busan, 2011**

The air had been growing crisper for weeks, and the leaves on the trees hung suspended and poised to fall, like delicate flaming lanterns. The world around him was on fire but Junmyeon was blind to most of it - his heart still so heavy with loss there wasn't quite space enough to accommodate the soul searing beauty around him. Busan wasn't home. Anywhere without Jongin wasn't home.

But Junmyeon didn't allow the bone-deep emptiness he felt to stop him from going through the motions of everyday life. When he reached Busan, he had moved in temporarily with his cousin Jongdae while he looked for a permanent place to stay. Jongdae had laid out a thin futon on the floor of his bedroom for Junmyeon to use. The lack of privacy should've disturbed him more but in the end Junmyeon was just glad to have one other person in the room with him to keep him from falling apart. Then, about two weeks after Junmyeon’s arrival in Busan, Jongdae’s roommate had hooked up with a girl he’d liked for a long time and moved in with her unexpectedly. And just like that, Junmyeon's quest for accommodation had ended.

When Junmyeon had first unpacked his luggage, he’d found a neatly wrapped package amongst his clothes and realized that Jongin must have slipped it in while he was sleeping or showering. With shaky hands, he had peeled off the sticky tape and slowly unwrapped the present – and nestled among the folds of midnight blue paper was a vividly colored, long-sleeved Stussy tie dye swirl tee with a small gift tag attached. Jongin had written on the tag in his artistic, slash-like strokes, “This will help keep you warm when the weather gets colder. Wear it to sleep and pretend it's me hugging you, hyung." Junmyeon was glad Jongdae had left him time alone in the room to unpack as finding Jongin's gift had left him perilously close to tears. He began typing Jongin a message, the words blurring as tears filled his still puffy eyes:

Your shirt is so bright I don't know if I can fall asleep in it. The colors are so loud they're gonna keep me awake.

Jongin's reply had come back almost instantly - he'd always been the fastest texter among the four of them:

Don't lie. I know you love that shirt. I saw you hold it up four times at the store the other day. I bought a short sleeved one! So now we have couple shirts!

 

Junmyeon had to chuckle through his tears at that.

Junmyeon: You're so cheesy, Jongin but I'll wear your shirt (^.^) And I can't believe you spent so much money on couple shirts, you idiot.  
Jongin: Just admit it - you love that I bought that shirt for you, hyung.  
Junmyeon: Do not.  
Jongin: Yes you do (>.<)  
Junmyeon: You're such a brat.  
Jongin: But you love me anyway, right?  
Junmyeon: Yes, I love you anyway.  
Jongin: Come back soon, hyung. My heart hurts a lot.  
Junmyeon: Me too, Jongin. My heart hurts so much right now.  
Jongin: Can I come visit?  
Junmyeon: No. I meant what I said. We need to take two years ok?  
Jongin: You're a stupid hyung.  
Junmyeon: I know. But I'm stubborn too. Are you sure you even want me?  
Jongin: I'll always want you. Will you want me too? (T.T)  
Junmyeon: Always, Jongin. I need to go now. Jongdae will want to come back into the room soon. I'm sharing his room till I find my own place.  
Jongin: Does it have an ondol [heated floor]? You've never like the cold. Make sure you keep warm enough, ok? Do you have a good blanket? Should I send you one? And remember to eat beef bone soup.  
Junmyeon: Don't fuss, Jongin. Jongdae is taking good care of me. Promise me you'll take care of yourself, ok? Don't make your umma worry and don't start fights with your hyung.  
Jongin: You should just come back here then - we could look after each other. That would be the best thing ever.  
Junmyeon: G'night, Jonginnie.  
Jongin: G'night, hyung. I miss you so much.  
Junmyeon: I miss you too. So much.

* * *

The first night he spent alone in his new room two weeks later, Junmyeon wore the vibrant tie dye shirt Jongin had given him. He took a selca and sent it to Jongin who sent him a voice message with approving noises. Then they chatted and joked for a while and assured each other that everything was ok and that two years wasn't such a long time.

When they finally got off the phone, Junmyeon hugged his own arms and pretended they were Jongin's. Then he lay down in bed and wept into his pillow.

* * *

Jongdae and Junmyeon had never been that close but they got along well enough. A few months younger than Junmyeon, Jongdae was an Engineering student at Dongik University and he helpfully guided his cousin through the ins and outs of student life at their university, as well as the ins and outs of living in Busan. Three weeks after he arrived, Jongdae and Junmyeon finally found some time to visit the famous Haeundae Beach.

"Stay away from the love motels, Junmyeon!" Jongdae laughed as he pointed out the clusters of tacky, brightly colored motels near Haeundae Beach which rented out their rooms in two hour blocks, “That’s where boys bring their girlfriends to do the dirty, you know?”

"Who would I even bring to a place like that?" Junmyeon shrugged, half chuckling - but his mind was filled with images of a smiling 17 year old in Seoul with chocolate eyes as he said the words.

After they’d finished a bowl of soelleongtang each for lunch, Jongdae rushed off on some errand while Junmyeon decided to explore Haeundae on his own. He soon found himself walking along a deserted strip of beach. Drawn to the susurrus of the silvery water, Junmyeon stood, solitary, at the lip of the ocean. The sky was a bleak shade of pewter gray, and the coastal breeze was uncomfortably chilly. Junmyeon shivered slightly as the briny water lapped at his feet and wet sand sucked at his toes. Distracted as he was by all the mostly unpleasant cold wet sensations, Junmyeon almost didn’t register that his phone was vibrating against his upper thigh. Glimpsing the screen, Junmyeon’s mood began lifting immediately because it was a KakaoTalk notification. Another text from Jongin. Junmyeon had received his first of the day four hours earlier when Jongin was on the bus, riding to school. As cold and miserable as he felt, Junmyeon couldn’t help but smile as he launched his KakaoTalk app.

Jongin: Hyung, where are you?  
Junmyeon: At Haeundae Beach.  
Jongin: Are your toes in the water?  
Junmyeon: Yes. Why????  
Jongin: Wiggle them.  
Junmyeon: Ok, I wiggled them but what was the point?  
Jongin: No point. I just love wiggling my toes in the sea. But I'm not there so you're doing it for me, see?  
Junmyeon: IDIOT.  
Jongin: GRUMPY OLD MAN.  
Junmyeon: Why are you texting me? Aren't you supposed to be in class?  
Jongin: Toilet break. I miss you, hyung.  
Junmyeon: I miss you, too.  
Jongin: Come back soon, please?  
Junmyeon: You know I can't. And I want you to see other people and just live, Jongin, just live, ok?  
Jongin: I just want you, hyung (T_T). Why won't you believe me?  
Junmyeon: I believe you. I just want you to live and to experience things with other people. Then come back to me. Please, Jongin?  
Jongin: Ok, fine. I'll see other people. But it won't make me stop loving you. That won't change.  
Junmyeon: I know.  
Jongin: Hyung, don't you love me?  
Junmyeon: You know I do, Jonginnie.  
Jongin: But you never say it first (^3^) [pout]  
Junmyeon: It hurts less if I don't say it out.  
Jongin: It hurts me when you never say it first (T_T)  
Junmyeon: You're so childish.  
Jongin: I'm NOT childish -.- [annoyed]  
Junmyeon: Jongin-ah, I love you.  
Jongin: v(^_^)v [victory] I love you more!  
Junmyeon: Ok you win. Now go back to class before the teacher comes looking for you. With a cane.  
Jongin: I miss you so much, hyung. Come back soon (T_T)  
Junmyeon: Miss you too.

 

Junmyeon sighed as he reread the messages a third time. Then resolutely, he jammed the phone into his back pocket and forced his feet to start moving along the water's edge. His text conversations with Jongin always left him tied up in a conflicted knot of elation and melancholy. On the one hand, his senses came alive whenever they communicated - his heart speeding up with the excitement of first love and threatening to burst from the weight of all that he felt for Jongin. But on the other, there was the empty ache that filled the banks of Junmyeon's heart when the conversations ended. It was a void that could only be filled by Jongin - Jongin who was miles and miles away in the city he had left behind weeks ago.

But reliving their conversations helped to dull the edges of loss and made him feel closer to Jongin at least for a little while. So in the end, Junmyeon just couldn't bring himself to press that trashcan icon on his phone and so he saved the messages in a folder marked 'Brat' instead. When he missed Jongin more than usual, he usually caved and reread their threads - letting the words wash over him. For a while, there was comfort, but it was always chased by the painful knowledge that Jongin wasn't across the hallway, wasn't just a phone call or a door knock away.

As the weeks passed though, the raw pain eventually transformed into a kind of dull, bearable ache. It helped a lot that Junmyeon’s daily routine was broken up by the multiple random texts Jongin never seemed to tire of sending him. They contained anything from random whining like:

\- Why do I need to eat vegetables? I hate vegetables. (-.-)  
\- School sucks. I don't want to crawl out from under my blanket, hyung. Hyungggggg.  
\- The weather’s getting too cold. Why aren’t you here to keep me warm? (T_T)  
\- I miss you hyung. Please come back soon.

to snippets of life like:

\- I cut myself shaving.  
\- Umma cooked the most awesome gamjatang. I had extra perilla leaves yum.  
\- There's this really annoying girl who keeps asking me to the movies. Her name is Yoona and her voice is so shrill. No.  
\- There's this new boy in the class who is kind of cute. From Beijing. His name is Luhan. I think Sehun likes him. He won't admit it but i swear he keeps staring holes in the back of that poor boy's head.

 

As for Junmyeon, he sent Jongin similar daily updates too about his life in Busan, and frequently nagged Jongin to eat, and study, and date other people. He never whined, but Junmyeon couldn’t stop himself from telling Jongin he missed and loved him. He also messaged Sehun daily in the first few weeks to check on how Jongin was really doing as he was pretty sure Jongin was leaving out things because he didn’t want Junmyeon to worry.

Junmyeon: How is he?  
Sehun: He's trying to cope.  
Junmyeon: Is he ok? Is he eating?  
Sehun: His mom makes him eat but I don't think he's sleeping much.  
Junmyeon: Sehun, take care of him for me, please?  
Sehun: I will. Jongin's strong. He'll get through this. You should take care of yourself too. Hope you're eating and sleeping enough.  
Junmyeon: I am. I'm just worried about Jongin. I just want to  
Sehun: Yes?  
Junmyeon: Take care of my Jonginnie for me?  
Sehun: Don’t worry, hyung. He’ll be ok - and I will take care of him.

As the weeks passed, Sehun mentioned that Jongin seemed to be sleeping better as his eyes weren’t as bloodshot as before and he wasn’t falling asleep in school anymore. Also, Jongin had begun seeing people about once every fortnight. Sehun said Jongin had grumbled that he was only doing it because stupid hyung was making him do it and Junmyeon had to laugh at his typical bratty remark.

Deep inside, Junmyeon's heart sang when Sehun said Jongin couldn’t seem to settle on anyone as he only ever went out with the same person once. There were never any second dates or at least not that he could tell, anyway. Junmyeon's heart sang but what he said to Sehun was: Make sure he carries on seeing people, Sehunnie.

* * *

Junmyeon lost weight in his first two months in Busan. He'd never been much of an eater and Jongin had always been the one to nag him to eat but this was the thinnest he'd ever been. His skin felt like it'd been stretched paper thin and his heart felt tired. He'd seen Jongin almost every day of his life since he was ten and it was like a huge part of him had been carved out, severed, and removed. The first five weeks had been torturous and Junmyeon wondered how he could possibly make it through the remainder of the two-year separation he'd rashly imposed. Luckily Jongin kept him going with his funny, chatty and whiny texts and cute selcas. Jongin looked thinner too and Junmyeon nagged him constantly. He angled his own selcas so Jongin couldn't tell how much weight he'd lost. And he made himself eat because Jongin nagged him to and because he didn't want Jongin to worry. But it was hard work. Being apart from Jongin was such hard work.

But Junmyeon gradually settled into life in Busan as he became more and more occupied with lectures and assignments at university. Slowly, he made friends with some of his course mates and sometimes he hung out with Jongdae and his friends. He signed up at a taekwondo dojang [gym] two blocks from home to get his strength and fitness back as well as regain his appetite. As for seeing other people, Junmyeon didn't actively go out of his way to avoid dating. He just didn't meet anyone who moved him enough to consider asking them out. Jongin was too deeply embedded in his skin and his consciousness - there was just no space for anyone else.

Keeping busy helped him forget all that he'd given up in Seoul. And it helped that people at home kept him posted on the goings on in Seoul so that sometimes it almost felt like he'd never left. Almost.

He got texts and emails from home every few days. Umma and Appa had bought themselves a kitten because it was too quiet at home without Junmyeon around. He was white with pale brown patches and a puffy face so they'd named him Hamtaro after the popular cartoon hamster.

Minho sent him brief messages with newsy updates:

\- So-and-so broke up with so-and-so.  
\- So-and-so started dating so-and-so.  
\- Jinri and I watched movie X, it was awesome!  
\- Jinri and I watched movie Y, it was a TOTAL waste of time.  
\- Sunyoung started seeing some guy called Taemin - from her Econs class. She seems happy.  
\- Umma sends her love. I think she's seeing someone because she's started going out at night but she won't say where or who with. Very suspicious.  
\- Playing the latest version of Tower Madness. Awesome.  
\- There's a new froyo place across the road from us and they have the best matcha froyo. The! Fucking! Best!

 

The longest update Minho had ever sent him though, was a concerned (by Minho's standards anyway) and involved email about his little brother:

Jongin started dating. He's seeing guys - did you know he was gay? I never had a clue. It was kinda embarrassing for a while but we're used to it now. Umma cried when Jongin first told her but she's fine now and tries to give him (seriously outdated) dating tips. Some assholes gave him a hard time at first but we sorted them out. Lucky the kid is pretty popular in school and lucky he's got a black belt in TKD. I don't think he's seeing anyone exclusively though because he's never brought anyone home. He won't talk about it. Maybe you can talk to him? He's always been closer to you.

 

Minho had no idea, Junmyeon shook his head sadly as he logged out of his email account.

* * *

Autumn segued into winter and winter dissolved into spring and still Junmyeon refused to return to Seoul. And before he knew it, it was summer. He had fabricated a whole plethora of excuses to avoid a homecoming journey. He had assignments due. Exams. Field research that would take him into the wilderness or some far flung village. A part-time job at Angel-in-us Coffee. Summer school courses. The list went on and after a while, his parents gave up trying to persuade him to come home.

Since he steadfastly refused to make the trip back to Seoul, his parents came to visit him three times as Busan was only 2 hours 40 minutes' comfortable journey on the high speed KTX train. And Minho had visited him in April. Predictably, Minho had been deeply fascinated by the love motels around the Haeundae district, and completely grossed out by some of the live shellfish at the sprawling Jagalchi Seafood Market: "Those look like fucking penises. Gross man, how can anyone eat that shit?!" That had earned him a very loud scolding from the ferocious ahjumma selling the said penises and Junmyeon had apologized profusely to the woman before dragging Minho to safety.

Minho's visit injected much needed life and energy into Junmyeon's mundane existence but he just wasn't his brother. Jongin had pleaded with Junmyeon for weeks to let him come to Busan with his hyung but Junmyeon had been adamant. Two years and no less. The frequency of Jongin's communiques hadn't faltered in the 7 months since Junmyeon had left Seoul; but for three days after Junmyeon had given him that unequivocal no, Jongin had withheld emoticons and been slightly terse in his messages in a not-very-subtle show of rebellion. How could Junmyeon blame him for sulking though? Jongin couldn't know exactly how much Junmyeon had wanted to just give in to his desires and say yes to him.

He wanted more than anything to see his face before him and to feel his warm body close to his - but Junmyeon had made a promise to himself to give Jongin two years to just be, to find out who he was. And so he forced himself to refuse Jongin's request. Feeling more than a little guilty, Junmyeon had cajoled Jongin by initiating a whole torrent of I-love-yous and I-miss-yous for those three days - until Jongin finally thawed and called him a stupid hyung and then everything was back to normal again.

**Busan, 2013**

Twenty-one months had passed since Junmyeon had relocated and his room finally looked lived in. The cork board above his study desk was pinned with selcas of Jongin and him smiling cheek-to-cheek at Yeuido Park, and the two of them posing with Minho and Sehun. There were random photos too of his mom and dad and their hamster slash surrogate child Hamtaro. Jongin had sent him many Polaroids of himself, Minho and Sehun over the past one and a half years, and these he proudly displayed on the corkboard. But the intimate selca Jongin and Junmyeon had taken in his room a week before he left, was always kept in his drawer. Anyone who saw that photograph would know instantly that the two people in it were deeply in love and Junmyeon wasn't really ready to talk to anyone in Busan about his relationship with Jongin.

But Jongdae had left for Seoul that morning and Junmyeon had carefully inserted the selca inside a simple wooden frame and placed it on his bedside table. He'd spent the day just lazing around. It was the third day of the summer holidays and the exams had been grueling and he just wanted to lie around doing nothing. So he slept, read, ate ramyun, watched some tv, slept some more. He was reading when the light bulb started flickering furiously at around 6 pm. Groaning, Junmyeon went to get a spare bulb and climbed onto his desk to replace the damaged one.

As he was getting down from the desk, Junmyeon heard noises outside his room. Six beeps. They were spaced apart, almost hesitant ... and then Junmyeon heard the front door open. Junmyeon's pulse began to race as Jongdae was in Seoul visiting his family for the summer and no one else would know their passcode. Dread and a shot of fear possessed Junmyeon as he stealthily picked up the baseball bat he always kept under his bed, just in case. Before he could lock his bedroom door though, it creaked open and Junmyeon waited tensely, ready to swing the bat.

"Jongin?!" Shocked, Junmyeon stood there, eventually releasing his death grip on the bat. It fell to the ground with a reverberating, metallic clatter. He continued staring at the beautiful young man before him - words escaping him completely. Jongin's shoulders and his jaw had gotten broader in the last two years, and his body had filled out - the added bulk making him look much older. He was no longer the slim 17 year old boy Junmyeon had left behind in Seoul. And he simply took Junmyeon's breath away.

"Hyung," Jongin said quietly before stepping forward and gathering him in a desperate hug. Junmyeon hadn't realized just how much he'd missed Jongin's scent and his voice and the warmth of his arms wrapped around him till that moment. Twenty-one months of longing were all but dust in the wind as Junmyeon sighed and let himself melt into Jongin's strong embrace, a single tear whispering down his left cheek. Junmyeon buried his face into Jongin's neck and breathed him in, sighing again. He was home. He was finally home again. He'd missed his Jonginnie. _So much_.


	7. Part 7

**_CHAPTER 12: Together_ **

_I'm gonna paint you by numbers And colour you in If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before Now I'll surrender up my heart And swap it for yours_ [Words from Lego House by Ed Sheeran]

**Busan, 2013**

 

Outside Junmyeon's bedroom window, the darkening sky was a canvas of dusky purples and pinks streaked with ribbons of tangerine and salmon pink. The lonely crescent moon hung high above the trees and was only just beginning to spill its pale light on the apartment buildings nearby. Twilight was a breathtakingly beautiful time of day in Busan, but none of the boys paid any heed to the natural splendor beyond the drawn curtains - they only had eyes for each other right now. 

"You have dirt on your face." Jongin said quietly as he broke away from their embrace far enough so he could see Junmyeon's face. With the back of his hand, he carefully wiped the smudges off Junmyeon's forehead and just beneath his right eye. Junmyeon closed his eyes and recalled that night two years ago in a moonlit field, when Jongin had removed a firefly from above his upper lip with the same kind of gentle care. The dirt cleaned off, Jongin's hands reached for Junmyeon's and held them securely in his.

"I was changing the lightbulb." Junmyeon explained stupidly. It seemed so ironic that they hadn't seen each other in almost two years and instead of telling Jongin how happy he was to see him, he was talking about something as commonplace as changing a lightbulb. There was so much Junmyeon wanted to say, so much he wanted to do to show Jongin how much he had wanted to see him, and be with him in the time they'd been apart. But in the end all he could mouth into Jongin's shoulder was, "I missed you so much, Jonginnie."

"Me too, hyung. There were some days I thought I would die from missing you." Jongin's arms enclosed him tightly, and then he was stroking Junmyeon's hair, and lifting Junmyeon's chin and their lips were touching for the first time in so long. Too long. Junmyeon inhaled deeply before letting himself fall into Jongin's warmth and nearness - drowning in the depths of a first kiss that was both scorching and tender.

"How did you - why are you here, Jonginnie?" Junmyeon ran his hands reverently over Jongin's face, learning the new landscape of his tanned features. His cheekbones were more prominent now and his jaw more angular and masculine. The bitter chocolate eyes staring back at him looked older, more serious than they had in the summer of 2011. And his fringe was long, almost touching his eyelashes. Junmyeon thought the added length gave Jongin's handsome face a sexier edge to it.

He was everything that was Jongin and yet so much more and taking in the young man before him, something ached deep in Junmyeon's chest. Jongin closed his eyes as Junmyeon's fingers resumed exploring his face and neck. His fingers finally stilled as they settled on Jongin's lean, broad shoulders ... and held on.

"You grew into a man while I was away." Junmyeon's cheeks felt hot as the words left his mouth because they sounded so embarrassingly cliched.

"Well, you kept complaining I was too young so I worked really hard to grow up, hyung. I tried to grow up as fast as I could." Jongin said matter-of-factly but Junmyeon could sense the shadows of pain in his eyes and his heart was filled with remorse. But he didn't have time to dwell on that as Jongin began to trace the contours of his face and left warm trails of sensation on its surface. His fingers glided slowly over the alabaster skin - treasuring the long-missed texture.

"I've wanted to do this for so long I can't believe it's actually happening, hyung. That you're actually in front of me, I just ..." At a loss for words, Jongin hugged Junmyeon tightly again, lips to his forehead for a few seconds while Junmyeon returned his embrace, his hands rubbing comforting circles onto Jongin's back.

Junmyeon's face hadn't changed as much as his own had but he could detect the subtle differences. He appeared almost gaunt now that Jongin was seeing him in real life instead of in a carefully positioned selca.

"You've lost so much weight, hyung." Jongin's voice was tempered with both concern and a touch of sadness as he cradled Junmyeon's face gently in his hands.

"Umma and you weren't around to nag me to eat, I guess. But I've been eating enough and I don't skip meals. It's not easy but I make myself do it."

"Promise me you'll eat more? I want you to eat more." Jongin's forehead touched his while his long fingers played with his collarbones, "I'll worry if you stay this thin."

"Ok fine, I'll eat more. Now, stop nagging. And you still haven't answered my question - why are you here, Jongin?"

"After two years that's all you have to say?" Jongin's tone was teasing.

"It hasn't even been two years, brat. You're three months early." Junmyeon shoved his shoulder in a bogus show of displeasure.

"It's been twenty-one months, that's close enough. I stayed away all this time because you had this dumb idea that I don't know what I feel for you. And that I don't know who I am. Well you insisted on two years so I followed your rules, but we've wasted enough time apart. I think I've proved you can trust me, hyung, so if you try to send me away now I swear to God I will beat the crap out of you." Jongin's eyes burned with a fierce defiance that dared Junmyeon to try and evict him.

"How could I send you away?" Junmyeon sighed helplessly as he entwined their fingers and lips together in a slow dance of love and acceptance. Then he led Jongin to the nearby bed which was draped in light brown sheets tousled from Junmyeon's daylong laze.

"It's a bit messy." Junmyeon apologized sheepishly and Jongin laughed, saying he hadn't traveled for more than three hours to come and inspect Junmyeon's bedsheets - which earned him some annoyed grumbling about how he could sleep on the floor if he was going to keep sassing him.

"You'd seriously make me sleep on the floor, hyung? It's been two years!"

"Twenty-one months."

"Let. It. Go." Jongin nipped Junmyeon's earlobe with his teeth and whispered huskily, "Are you sure you want me to sleep on the floor?" His tongue licked a burning path up Junmyeon's neck and kissed him behind his ear and Jongin smiled when he heard the older boy's moan of ecstasy. But his smile soon transformed to a husky moan of his own when Junmyeon's hands snuck under the hem of his plain white tee and roamed over his stomach and ribcage, the small of his back.

"We should probably talk some more?" Junmyeon asked as Jongin began tugging off the well-worn black tee which Junmyeon wore only around the house.

"We've been talking for almost two years, hyung - let's talk later." Jongin pushed him down on the bed and took his own shirt off. Junmyeon took in the sight of his broad shoulders and his lean, long torso as Jongin bared them. And then Jongin's caramel hued body was lying on top of his, their palms connected. Jongin's fingers gripped his tightly like he was never going to release them.

"Don't ever leave me again." Jongin's eyes were intense as his face hovered over Junmyeon's.

"I couldn't ever let go of you, Jonginnie. Not again." Junmyeon's hand caressed Jongin's cheek and reached up to stroke his dark hair.

"I wouldn't let you anyway, you stupid hyung." Jongin's lips brushed against Junmyeon's pliant ones as he pinned him down - his palms and chest pushing down on Junmyeon's in an act of gentle possession. They explored each other's bodies by instinct, remembering little things about each other - how Junmyeon liked Jongin to bite his earlobe ... how Jongin liked Junmyeon to lick his sensitive nipples. Soon their erections were straining against the layers of fabric that separated them and Junmyeon undid Jongin's button fly, hurriedly dragging off the dark denim to expose Jongin's long, tanned legs. Separated only by cotton boxers, they moved sensually against each other as they continued kissing - nipping at collarbones and earlobes, stroking flanks, gripping shoulders, and rocking their hips together rhythmically.

Finally, they lay naked beside each other and in spite of the months of pent up passion, Jongin and Junmyeon just stopped for a little while to cherish the simple sensation of being in each other's arms again. As Junmyeon listened to Jongin say the words "I love you, hyung", he immersed himself in Jongin and cried out the younger boy's name when he felt Jongin's fingers wrap itself around his cock, and felt his mouth glide slowly over it ...

* * *

Later, as they lay under the blanket, young slender limbs hopelessly entangled, Jongin gazed at Junmyeon with what looked like mischief in his eyes, "Hyung, can I ask you something? But you have to promise to give me a truthful answer, ok?"

"That sounds like trouble waiting to happen. No way I'm promising anything." Junmyeon frowned, his eyebrows knitting together as his fingers moved over the dips and planes of Jongin's shoulders. They'd been touching each other constantly since Jongin had walked in the door - like they were trying to snatch back all the moments they'd lost during their time apart. Jongin stared at the familiar frown he'd missed so much and he reached out to touch Junmyeon's eyebrows.

"What?" Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows even more and Jongin laughed, reminding Junmyeon that he found Junmyeon sexier when he frowned. As he had done the first time Jongin had said it, Junmyeon protested that he didn't know the first thing about being sexy.

"What did you want to ask me, Jonginnie, focus."

"Does your housemate even know that the passcode to his apartment is his roommate's boyfriend's date of birth? I was gonna ring the buzzer at first but I decided to try my luck with my birthday and it worked." Jongin looked just a little bit smug.

"Well I never expected you to show up unannounced like that or I would never have used it - you're too full of yourself as it is! Anyway, I had to pick something I’d remember for sure. I kept getting locked out the first few days because I was so distracted I couldn’t remember Jongdae’s passcode. The fourth time he had to get the door for me, he decided enough was enough and I should just pick a number I could remember because his memory had to be better than my totally lame one."

“You could have picked your own birthdate?” Jongin teased and Junmyeon punched his shoulder and Jongin yelped "ouch". Chuckling, he grabbed Junmyeon by the waist and held him close, resting his chin on the top of Junmyeon's head.

"So you're not going to fight it?" Jongin asked softly.

"Fight what?" Junmyeon drew circles on Jongin's chest, kindling tiny explosions of sensation on the surface of Jongin's skin - skin still warm and languid from their earlier lovemaking session.

"You're not going to give me a hard time about calling you my boyfriend?" Jongin forced himself to stay calm even though his heart was beginning to beat erratically. He didn't want to get his hopes up because he knew more than anyone else how stubborn Junmyeon could be about certain things.

"No, Jonginnie, I'm not."

"So ... you mean we're officially a thing?"

"I guess we are." Junmyeon smiled as he caressed Jongin's upper lip with his index finger and he barely had time to plant a kiss on Jongin's plump lips before the younger boy wrapped himself around him enthusiastically, and imprinted the words "I love you hyung, I love you so much" on the skin of his neck and jaw and finally his lips.

"Not as much as I love you, Jonginnie and I'm sorry I stayed away. But I hope you don't regret coming here early because I'm never letting you go now."

"I wouldn't want you to anyway, you stupid hyung."

"Ok this calling me stupid hyung thing has got to stop, brat."

"I'll stop calling you stupid hyung when you stop calling me brat." Jongin's tongue flicked the sensitive skin behind Junmyeon's ear and he felt his cock stirring to life again, the tip pushing against Jongin's stomach.

"Maybe we can discuss this some other time?" Junmyeon's voice was strained as he nuzzled Jongin's neck and jaw and their tongues clashed in barely restrained passion. Smiling, Jongin's fingers pressed urgently into Junmyeon's hips and slid over his neatly rounded backside, kneading the muscles roughly and gripping him closer so that their cocks bumped against each other in sweet torment. Moaning at the silken heat, Junmyeon nuzzled Jongin's neck and sucked at the skin at the base of his neck before moving in search of Jongin's lips.

Their mouths fused together and Jongin's hands were reaching for Junmyeon's hips when Big Bang's _Blue_ started playing loudly from the bedside table and both boys made a sound of frustration. There was an agonized expression on Jongin's face as he groaned, _Umma whyyyy?_ and reached his arm out to grab the buzzing device.

"Hi Umma. Yes, I'm safe ... that's what I told you when I reached the station ... Yes, I'm at Junmyeon hyung's ... Yes, he's here ... Ok." Jongin answered the questions as patiently as he could before handing the phone over to Junmyeon. Then he smothered his face with a pillow and tried to distract himself from his painful hard-on with thoughts of ice cool waterfalls and freezing cold water - because it just seemed wrong to jerk himself off when his mother was on the phone.

"Junmyeon, how are you dear?"

"Hello, Omoni, I'm good - I hope you're well too."

"I am, I am ... as always. But Junmyeon-ah, the reason I wanted to speak to you is ... please take care of Jonginnie for me. I wasn't really keen to let him go to Busan on his own but Minho convinced me it would be safe and that it would be good for him to go off for a few weeks since he's never left home at all. But I'm worried about him ... I've always had him with me and I-"

"Please don't worry, Omoni. He'll be safe here. I'm here, and I'll make sure he's ok. And I'll make sure he calls you regularly."

"I'm so glad, Junmyeon. I really didn't think it was a good idea but Jongin was so determined - you know how stubborn he can be sometimes."

"Yes, Omoni, I know how stubborn Jongin can be." And Junmyeon tried not to laugh when Jongin removed the pillow to punch his arm in unconcealed disgust.

"Can I talk to him?" Jongin's mom still sounded worried and just a little bit wistful. Junmyeon made a mental note to text Minho about assuring his mom, which then brought him to the part of the conversation where Jongin's mom said Minho had convinced her to let Jongin come. When had Minho ever gotten involved in matters that didn't affect him personally?

"Yes, Umma I know you can't afford dental bills so I'll brush my teeth twice a day. Seriously Umma, I'm 19 now, I think I've got the oral hygiene thing covered ... Yes, I'll eat. You eat and brush your teeth well too, ok? I love you, Umma. Take care." There was no mistaking the softening of Jongin’s voice at the end - Jongin loved his Umma.

"Minho was the one who convinced your umma to let you come here?"

"Oh, that. Yeah, hyung helped me to persuade Umma to let me visit you."

"Since when does Minho help you do anything?"

"Well ... there's something I haven't told you, hyung."

 

**Seoul, 2011**

It was two days after Junmyeon had left for Busan and Jongin had spent most of that time in the confines of his bedroom sleeping, crying, staring at the wall or ceiling, and typing messages to Junmyeon. The first day had been the worst - Jongin had cried so much during the day that he thought he'd exhausted every drop his body had to offer. And yet when Junmyeon had ended their conversation about the colorful tie dye shirt he'd bought him, he'd felt the salty sting of tears on his cheeks. Curling up in a ball, he'd sobbed into his pillow, listening to the sounds of his own heart breaking.

Fortunately Jongin was beginning to feel more like himself by the third day and that was when Minho intruded on his personal space - striding right into his room and sitting on the edge of his bed. Jongin was lying in bed, reading the same paragraph for the fourth time because he just couldn't concentrate.

"Jongin, we need to talk." Minho's voice was firm as he looked directly at Jongin, who sighed and placed his novel face down on the mattress. Junmyeon hated it when he did that - always picking the book up and putting some kind of makeshift bookmark in it like a receipt or a folded piece of note paper. _You'll destroy the spine, Jongin, why are you so rough?_

And just like that, Jongin was consumed by a surge of sadness. He picked the book up and removed a folded piece of yellow note paper from the back. It was a bookmark Junmyeon had made for him with the words "Don't kill books!" scrawled across it in his neat handwriting. Lost in reverie, Jongin startled when he felt Minho's large hand on his shoulder.

"Jongin, you and Junmyeon ..." Minho began and Jongin was surprised because it wasn't like his brother to be hesitant about anything. He usually said whatever he felt with no thought to filtering his words. 

"Hyung?"

"You and Junmyeon are in a relationship, aren't you? You aren't just friends spending a lot of time together because he stopped dating Sunyoung. I'm right, aren't I, Jongin?"

"But why would you think that?!"

"I'm not completely blind, ok? Junmyeon and you spent all that time together before he left,"

"But -"

"I'm not done. You can talk when I'm done - it took me a while to come up with this little speech so I need to get it all out first so no talking for now. Ok?" Minho squeezed his shoulder - which was another thing Minho never did. But more pressing for Jongin now was the fact that his brother was essentially asking him if he was in a gay relationship with his best friend. 

"So you and Junmyeon spent a lot of time together after he broke up with Sunyoung, and then you spent even more time together after he announced he was leaving for Busan. And you both looked so sad - that's why I didn't make a big deal about it by interrogating you guys or anything. And then the two of you at the airport ... I don't think Junmyeon's parents suspected anything but I'm not completely oblivious, Jongin. Best friends miss each other when they're separated but their hearts don't break like yours were clearly doing. And also, when Oh Sehun started sticking to me like a Post-It note, did you seriously think I wouldn't be suspicious? Half the time that boy looks at me like I'm a rattlesnake that’s about to bite him; so when he suddenly started asking to share my tent and keep engaging me in long and really dumb conversations when the four of us were together, I knew something was definitely up."

"I don't know what to say."

"Start with yes or no."

"I don't know if Junmyeon would be ok about -"

"Don't worry about Junmyeon, Jongin. I won't say anything to him if he doesn't bring it up. I just need to know."

"Are you mad at us?"

"Don't be stupid. You're my brother. Junmyeon's my best friend. Why would I be mad?"

"You mean you're ok with us being together like that?" Jongin asked and Minho sighed. For a long time. 

"I won't lie to you. My life would be a hella lot easier if you guys dated girls instead of each other but you can't pick who you wanna be with. I get that." And then for the first time ever, Minho stroked Jongin's head in a gesture of comfort. 

"I miss him so much, hyung. Every day." Moved by his brother's unexpected support and his own overwhelming sorrow, Jongin's tears started flowing silently. 

"I know." And Minho put his arm around him and let him cry.

* * *

"So he's known all along?" Junmyeon's voice held a mixture of wonder and gratitude because Minho had been there for Jongin practically from the start. 

"Pretty much. He's been more of a brother to me in the last two years than he ever was before you left."

"I'm so sorry I left, Jonginnie."

"No, it's good. It hurt like a bitch at first but you were right, I might have wondered 'what if?' later on if I hadn't had these two years to just do my own thing."

"I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were having a hard time with coming out. I know you played things down for me because you didn't want me to worry ... but I still worried and I hated myself for not being there."

"It really wasn't that bad, hyung. I mean yeah, there were some complete dicks in my class but when they realized I could defend myself and that hyung and Sehun and some other classmates were behind me, they just stopped after a while. Anyway, let's not talk about that. It's over. Let's just enjoy being here like this. Just us. We can go to sleep together every night and wake up together every morning and ... hyung, I'm so happy right now I don't even know how to tell you how happy I am."

"So show me," Junmyeon pulled Jongin on to the bed and they kissed and made love until hunger drove them to the kitchen. For the first time in two years, Junmyeon cooked kimchi ramyun for the two of them while Jongin laid the table - just like they'd always done. They held hands as they ate because Jongin had insisted on it.

"What if you're gone by the time I finish my ramyun? I need to hold on to you to make sure you don't leave again."

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Junmyeon rolled his eyes but he let Jongin hold his hand anyway - loving the way Jongin's fingers felt, all wrapped around his. And later, when Jongin was texting Sehun to tell him he was in Busan already, Junmyeon picked up his own phone.

Junmyeon: Thank you.   
Minho: For what, dude?  
Junmyeon: For Jongin. For everything.  
Minho: It's cool. You would've done the same for me. Take care of the kid.  
Junmyeon: You know I will.  
Minho: Be happy, Junmyeon. Try to be selfish for once and stop worrying about everything.  
Junmyeon: I left Seoul and you became a philosopher.  
Minho: Fuck off! LOL  
Junmyeon: Oh thank God my friend is still in there somewhere.  
Minho: If I'd known sending Jongin there would turn you into an asshole I wouldn't have sent him ㅗ   
Junmyeon: LOL.  
Minho: Don't forget to use condoms ...  
Junmyeon: (ㅗ-_-)   
Minho: Just saying.  
Junmyeon: We've never even! (>_<)  
Minho: Oversharing!  
Junmyeon: GOODBYE.  
Minho: Be >>>SAFE<<<  
Junmyeon: (ㅗ)

Junmyeon was grinning as he put his phone down, then he thought to himself, perhaps Minho was right and it was time he stocked up on some prophylactics.

* * *

After dinner, they'd showered together because Jongin had declared dramatically that Junmyeon wasn't allowed to take showers on his own for as long as he was in Busan. Jongin had also decided he would wash Junmyeon's hair and while he was massaging the older boy's scalp, their shower-slick bodies had rubbed against each other, and both of them had gotten aroused and thrust urgently against each other as the spray pinged off their flushed skin. They had eventually moaned in unison as they achieved a feverish climax, and Junmyeon had whispered, "Saranghae, Jongin, saranghae."

They talked late into the night and eventually fell asleep in each other's arms - limbs lovingly entwined like they would never ever untangle.

* * *

"This is the biggest department store in the world." Junmyeon announced proudly as he lifted his right arm up in a flourish in front of the huge black glass building that was Shinsigae Busan.

"Why are we here? We don't like to shop, hyung. I'd rather cuddle up in bed with you. Let's go home."

"It's the world's biggest department store, of course you have to see it. Come on!" Junmyeon dragged him by the hand towards the entrance - not caring at all when several nosey, sun-visor wearing ahjummas stared openly at the scandalous hand grabbing.

Because Jongin had insisted he was passing out from hunger, they found themselves in the food hall which was bursting with color and people and activity. They were now seated at a table for two and laid out before them was a staggering amount of food. There was a tub of caramelized sweet potato fries on the table. A plate of kimbap. A serving of gaeran mari. A dish of fried japchae. A plate of beef galbi. A black earthenware pot of kimchi jjigae and two metal bowls of rice with wisps of misty white steam curling above them.

"Jonginnie, are you mad? How are you planning to finish all this?"

"With your help. Now eat."

At the end of the meal, both of them wanted to die because they'd eaten so much. But Jongin never let up on his campaign to make Junmyeon put on weight the entire time he was in Busan.

* * *

They settled into a comfortable routine. They went to sleep in each other's arms and woke up the same way. They took turns to make each other breakfast and then showered and shaved together. Junmyeon worked part-time as a barista at an Angel-in-us Coffee house near the apartment two days a week but the rest of the time, he spent almost exclusively with Jongin. Together, they explored Busan and went for movies or spent time at the library so Junmyeon could do research for his Honors dissertation. Jongin was done with high school so he scrounged around for things to read or just laid his head on the desk and snoozed. And Junmyeon would put his pen down and stroke his hair, his heart full and heavy. Sometimes they ate out and sometimes they cooked at home - chatting and laughing or just keeping quiet as they worked side by side companionably. 

Junmyeon introduced Jongin to some of his friends as his boyfriend from home and no one seemed to have any issues with that. They had three or four minor quarrels over the weeks which were usually resolved with either a sheepish Jongin apologizing or an indulgent Junmyeon saying he shouldn't have lost his temper and vice versa.

When they were at home, Junmyeon and Jongin touched each other constantly as if they were making up for lost time. They made love spontaneously and often and about a week after Jongin's arrival in Busan, he'd broached the subject of taking things further with their lovemaking. Junmyeon was sitting in bed, reading a novel with a half finished mug of black coffee on the bedside table.

"What do you mean, Jonginnie?" Junmyeon's chin puckered up and his lower lip jutted out slightly. Jongin loved that pout and he had many selcas of Junmyeon pouting because he'd shamelessly demanded that the older boy send him pouty selcas of himself. "That's so embarrassing, Jongin, no!" Junmyeon had protested. But he'd taken them and sent them to Jongin anyway. 

"There is no way you're that innocent, hyung."Jongin glared at him as he straddled Junmyeon's lap in one swift movement. Junmyeon gasped at the sudden friction as Jongin's crotch pressed down insistently against his and his thighs clamped Junmyeon's.

"I'm serious! What do you mean?" 

"I want you inside me." Jongin whispered, looking slightly embarrassed even though they'd know each other forever.

"Ok."

"That's it? You're not going to complain that we shouldn't and that I'm too young?" Jongin gave him a deeply suspicious look just before he ground down on Junmyeon's already semi-hard cock.

"Yes! That's ... it!" Junmyeon barely managed to say as Jongin rolled his hips once more. Then Jongin gave Junmyeon a quick bruising kiss before getting off him and going to rummage around his backpack. Meanwhile, Junmyeon pulled open the drawer of the bedside table to take out a small bottle of lube and a pack of condoms.

"Why do you have those in your drawer? Have you used them before?" Jongin had stopped in his tracks, a hurt expression on his face.

"No, Jonginnie. I haven't even dated anyone since I left Seoul. I bought these a few days ago after Minho told me to be safe."

"Hyung did what?!" Jongin sat heavily on the bed, still a little subdued.

"He told me to use condoms, ok?"

"I don't want hyung thinking about my dick or yours - that's just gross."

"I don't think he was thinking about our ... never mind. Can we just not talk about Minho right now because it's kinda killing the mood?" Junmyeon laughed as he took Jongin's hand and made the taller boy lie on top of him. The weight of Jongin pressing down on him was comforting in a way Junmyeon couldn't explain. He'd had to be without him for so long that he needed to be physically reminded all the time that that Jongin was here. Jongin was here in Busan with him.

Rays of late afternoon light formed an auriole around Jongin and Junmyeon was reminded of the night when the fireflies had created a similar halo around Jongin. He'd felt dizzy then too. Sometimes he wondered if Jongin would ever stop making his breath hitch but he just couldn't see it. 

Jongin bent down and touched his forehead to his, "I guess it's the first time for both of us then." His smile was so close, Junmyeon thought, as he caught Jongin's lips. Slowly, his tongue slid in and the kiss started out lazy and gentle before deepening into something more urgent and passionate. 

"I taste coffee," Jongin broke their kiss to say as they began hurriedly removing each other's clothes. When they were both naked and panting and hard, Junmyeon grabbed the bottle and the foil packet. He could barely concentrate when the smooth skin of Jongin's curved ass was just inches away from him. Jongin said huskily, "Hurry," and Junmyeon dropped the bottle twice before he was done. Then it was one finger ... then two ... and then Junmyeon was pushing into Jongin's tight, tight heat. The pressure was unbearable and Junmyeon moaned softly each time he thrust. Uncertain of himself, he moved as carefully as he could, scared of hurting Jongin - until Jongin told him to stop holding back. Only then did Junmyeon let go of his inhibitions and speed up his movements. 

At some point, Junmyeon ended up on his back while Jongin lowered himself down on him slowly. With his bottom lip caught between his teeth and his eyes closed in lust, Jongin was the sexiest thing Junmyeon had ever seen and he was his. Then his fingers circled Jongin's dick and began tugging it firmly and it wasn't long before they both cried out in ecstasy. After a haphazard clean up, Jongin collapsed in Junmyeon's arms and mumbled sleepily, "And you said you didn't know the first thing about being sexy. I love you, hyung ..." Junmyeon kissed his forehead and whispered, "I love you too, Jonginnie," but he was already asleep. 

Later that night, Junmyeon was woken up by warm hands groping his butt and Jongin's lips next to his ear, "Hyung, can I ...?" and Junmyeon nodded, turning around to lie on his belly ...

The following day, they were both sore and they moved around the apartment carefully, wincing slightly whenever they had to sit down and exchanging secret smiles when they caught each other's eye. It was another two days till they needed to take out the lube and condoms again.

* * *

Before they knew it, Jongin's three week vacation was almost over. Since the main reason why Junmyeon was staying away from Seoul had landed on his doorstep anyway, he'd decided to follow Jongin home at the end of his stay. It was time to tell his parents about Jongin anyway.

"I'm going to tell my parents." Junmyeon announced as they lay in bed facing each other.

"You're telling them?! Why, hyung?"

"I honestly have no idea if they'll flip but yeah, I'm telling them."

"But you don't have to, hyung. I mean I wouldn't expect you to. I know we can't like date openly." 

"Maybe not at first but I'd like to not have to hide indefinitely, Jongin. Either way, my parents ... I owe it to them to tell them the truth." Junmyeon moved closer to Jongin and they held each other tightly.

Junmyeon's umma had been telling him for years that she couldn't wait to have grandchildren of her own and "don't wait till you're 30 to have kids, Junmyeon-ah." She would be so disappointed about not having grandchildren.

Junmyeon had been trying not to think about how his parents would react to his being gay for weeks. He was worried but he said nothing to Jongin about it. Pushing it to the back of his mind, he snuggled up against Jongin and sighed as Jongin spooned him and held him close.


	8. Chapter 8

**_CHAPTER 13: Home_ **

_So I'm going home, Back to the place where I belong, And where your love has always been enough for me._ [Words from Home by Chris Daughtry]

**Seoul, 2013**

Junmyeon and Jongin arrived in Seoul on a windy afternoon and Junmyeon couldn't help staring out the window in wonder as the KTX commuter entered the city limits. Seeing the familiar buildings and sights as the train sped by, Junmyeon realized all of a sudden how much he'd missed Seoul. Jongin's head and neck rested on his left shoulder as the younger boy napped and the weight of him felt good. 

As the train entered the abyss of a tunnel, Junmyeon sighed and wondered what lay in store for them. He would tell his parents tonight, no matter what, but he was relieved they wouldn't be at the train station. He could delay the unpleasant task for a few more hours at least. Light filtered in as the train shot out of the tunnel and Junmyeon continued staring out at the subtly changed cityscape. Frowning, he tried to ignore the way his chest kept clenching with worry. 

"Hyung?" Jongin rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stretched his arms, "What's wrong? Why do you look so worried? Is it about your parents? You're worried they'll freak out?"

"Why are you even asking me questions if you're going to answer them all yourself?"

"Don't be an asshole!" Jongin pinched his arm. And Junmyeon yelled _yah!_ \- laughing in outrage and just like that, he felt better.

* * *

"The food in Busan must suck, hyung. You lost weight." Sehun observed quietly. Then he glared at the boy beside him because he'd just elbowed Sehun in the side. 

"You have to excuse Sehun, he forgets his manners sometimes." Luhan apologized to Junmyeon who just chuckled. Sehun's boyfriend had a wiry build and athletic limbs, and his face was very handsome in a cherubic kind of way. His Korean had a slight accent - a Beijing accent, Junmyeon guessed since Jongin had said he was from Beijing.

"It's all right. I've had twelve years to get used to his tactlessness. It doesn't bother me at all. It's nice to meet you, I'm Junmyeon." 

"Hi! I'm Luhan," the boy smiled warmly as he shook his hand with a firm grip. 

"So did you guys get me any goodies from Busan?" Minho grinned expectantly, rubbing his hands together and Junmyeon punched him in the shoulder. 

"How about an ahnyong first? Oh my God, some things never change." Junmyeon complained good-naturedly and Minho launched into his usual string of noisy protests.

As Jongin rested one hand on Junmyeon's shoulder and the group made their way towards the exit, Junmyeon thought contentedly, it was good to be home.

* * *

**Seoul, 2013 ... Two hours later**

Junmyeon and his mother were working side by side in the kitchen - their noses being taunted by the delicious, spicy aroma of sundubu jjigae which wafted its way into every corner of the room. The last twenty minutes had been occupied with catching up, but Junmyeon decided it was time now for him to just bite the bullet and tell her about Jongin.

"Umma, did omoni tell you that Jongin is ... well, that he's not into girls?"

"Are you asking me if I know Jongin is gay?" Umma gave him a measuring look, "You know the word 'gay', why didn't you just say gay?"

"I guess you know Jongin is gay then."

"Of course, I do. Misuk told me a few days after she found out."

"And you're ok with that?"

"I can't believe you're even asking me that. I love that boy like he's my own. You would have been so lonely growing up it hadn't been for Minho and Jongin. You're such a silly boy for thinking I wouldn't be ok with Jongin being gay. Wait ... do _you_ have a problem with Jongin being gay?"

"No, Umma, I don't. But what if ..." Junmyeon began before losing his nerve and picking up another sweetpea pod.

"Why so hesitant? If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to tell me you're gay too." Umma sounded amused as she stirred the sundubu jjigae she had simmering on the stove. 

"What if I am, Umma?" Junmyeon said softly as he put a sweetpea into the bowl. His mother put the ladle down quietly and gripped the corners of the stove top, her knuckles turning white. She didn't turn around - she just stood at the stove, unmoving.

"But Min and Sunyoung? Junmyeon, you had girlfriends. Were you pretending?" 

"No, Umma, I was sincere. I really did care for them but I realized two summers ago that I was in love with a boy and that what I felt for him was so much more than what I ever felt for Min and Sunyoung. That's why I broke things off with Sunyoung. I couldn't lie to her and carry on seeing her when I couldn't stop thinking about him. I just couldn't, Umma."

"Is it Jongin? It has to be Jongin. Who else could it be?"

"Yes, it's Jongin. I'm sorry, Umma. I didn't want things to be like this but I can't ... I can't be without Jongin. I stayed away for two years and it was so hard and I just ... I can't be without him anymore. Please understand, Umma."

"So that's why that boy looked like he was wasting away the first few weeks after you left. Misuk was so worried about him. She asked me are friends supposed to miss each other so much? And I laughed and told her, well they've been together almost every day for the past ten years, Jongin just misses his hyung. I never suspected, not for one moment. How could I have been so blind?" A little shakily, Junmyeon's umma sat on the chair and placed her hands, palm down on the wooden surface of the kitchen table. Junmyeon sat quietly beside her and took her small, pale hands in his. 

"We were trying to hide it as best we could. We didn't want to upset everyone. But it's been two years and I don't think things are going to change between us so I wanted you to know. I'm so sorry, Umma. I know you want grandchildren and I'm ... I'm so sorry for disappointing you." 

"Oh, Junmyeon." Sighing deeply, his mother looked like she'd aged ten years.

"I'm sorry, Umma." 

"Why are you apologizing? It's not something you can help, son." It seemed to take a lot out of her but Umma managed to summon a weak, sad smile. "I would have liked to have grandchildren but I see how the two of you are with each other and I think maybe deep down, a small part of me knew. I just didn't want to believe it. Ahhh ... those grandchildren I'll never have." Umma sighed and then she looked up at Junmyeon and asked hopefully, "Maybe you can adopt some day?"

"Yes, Umma, maybe. I'm going to tell Appa after this."

"He's probably going to yell, you know. A lot."

"I know. But I'm telling him."

"I could speak to him for you, son. That might be less awkward."

"No, Umma. I want to be the one who tells him."

"I'll need time to deal with this ... but I will deal with it. Umma loves you, Junmyeon. Don't forget that, ok? I just need to get used to this."

"I understand, Umma. Take as much time as you need. It's a lot to process and I should have told you earlier but I was kind of waiting as well, in case Jongin changed his mind and dated someone else and then there wouldn't have been any point telling."

"What do you mean, no point, you _pabo_?!" Umma glared at him but she didn't look angry at all. "You know, Jongin spent a lot of time over here when you were away. Helped us fix things around the house, and sometimes he bought fruits for us or just came over for tea and a chat. I never expected it of him but I think he knew how much we missed you and so he kept coming over so we wouldn't feel so lonely."

"He never told me." 

"Well, I'm glad it's him, anyway."

"Thank you, Umma, for accepting this. For accepting me." Junmyeon said quietly and his mother nodded. Her hands felt fragile in Junmyeon's as he squeezed them. He gave his mother what he hoped was a grateful smile, then they just sat there, neither one speaking as the _sundubu jjigae_ bubbled away, forgotten on the hob.

* * *

As Junmyeon's umma had predicted, his Appa yelled. A lot. And then he yelled again. But at the end of it all, he said, "Your umma and I would like to have grandchildren, but we don't need to have a daughter-in-law. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Appa."

"When are you coming back for good?"

"My convocation will be in late February, so I'll be back in time for the cherry blossoms."

"Good. Come back soon because your umma misses you. Hamtaro is a good cat but to be honest, he's a useless conversationalist." Appa joked and Junmyeon laughed - partly because it was kind of funny but mostly because he was relieved.

"I will, Appa."

"And now that this thing is all out in the open, I expect you to come home more often. Busan is nice and all that but I've already visited it three times in the past two years and I really don't have a burning need to visit it again anytime soon."

"Yes, sir."

"Right then," Appa cleared his throat, "We'd better help set the table for dinner."

And that was that.

* * *

Jongin: How did it go, hyung?  
Junmyeon: Better than I expected. They're ok. Appa got really loud at one point though. My ears still hurt.   
Jongin: Are you sure he's ok? (O.O)   
Junmyeon: He says he is and I didn't want to drag out the yelling so I left it. How about Omoni?  
Jongin: She was calm and said better you than some obnoxious stranger. Then she started freaking out. What is Mija going to say? What if she blames you for this, Jongin? What if she hates me?! Mothers get so emotional I don't even know? (*￣ .￣)   
Junmyeon: Tell her not to worry. My parents are ok.  
Jongin: You tell her. I'm scared to go near her - she's still in flip out mode.  
Junmyeon: You're so unhelpful, Jongin! (>_<)  
Jongin: But you still love me anyway. (^_~)   
Junmyeon: ㅗ-_-   
Jongin: Rude. Ok fine, I'll tell Omoni. I'm totally rolling my eyes now but I don't have an emoticon for that.  
Junmyeon: JONGINNIE!!!  
Jongin: Ok, ok. I'll tell her.  
Junmyeon: Umma told me you visited them a lot when I was away.  
Jongin: Oh that. Yeah, I did. I thought maybe they'd like some company. Plus, it made me feel closer to you when I was at your place. Man, that sounds stupid and mildly creepy.  
Junmyeon: No it doesn't. Thanks Jonginnie. For being there.  
Jongin: (*^^*)

* * *

The four friends were seated around a scuffed wooden table in a _pojangmacha_ tent about ten minutes' walk from home. Two green soju bottles stood empty in the centre of table, together with skewers of grilled chicken meat laid out on a plastic lined dish.

It was Junmyeon and Jongin's first night back from Busan and Minho had insisted that everyone had to get shitfaced. Sehun had snorted at that because Minho was the only one who ever really got drunk while everyone else stayed relatively sober. At the moment Minho's face and neck were flushed an angry red and his voice had reached stentorian levels.

"Yah! I don't need to see that!" Minho complained loudly, kicking Jongin's foot as he took another swig of soju and let the small glass land on the table with a sharp thunk.

"What?!" Jongin protested and Junmyeon laughed because he knew why Minho was bristling. He had seen Minho's eyes widen when Jongin's hand had patted Junmyeon's thigh briefly.

"I don't need to see my brother feeling up my best friend! Dammit Jonginnie!" Minho hissed and Jongin gave him the finger but Junmyeon noticed that the younger boy didn't tell his brother off for calling him Jonginnie when he usually only let Junmyeon and his Umma call him that; it warmed Junmyeon's heart that Minho had been included in that exclusive circle.

"I always have to watch you feel up Jinri!"

"Jinri isn't your best friend so it's not the same is it? Stop it, you brat before you cause me some permanent trauma."

Jongin's only answer was to deliberately touch Junmyeon's other thigh and this time it was Sehun who laughed really loudly when Minho squawked again.

* * *

Minho had forced Junmyeon to drink more than he usually did and the two younger boys had watched with a mixture of pity and mild disapproval as Minho and Junmyeon downed glass after glass of the clear, bitter liquid amid happy, slurred shouts of “Gun bae!". By the time they got back to the apartment block, Minho and Junmyeon were more than a little intoxicated.

Sehun waved lazily to them before strolling across the road to his apartment block - leaving the other three standing in front of their apartment block. The street was well lit, with pools of subdued golden light lying spread out before them.

"Hyung, you go home first. We're going to take a walk. I think he needs to get some of the alcohol out of his system before he goes home."

"Sure. But don't be too noisy if you guys decide to make out in your room though, because TRAUMA." Minho's speech was slurred but his lack of sobriety clearly hadn't affected his ability to be sarcastic.

"You can't be serious?" Jongin waved his fist at him.

"Whatever. Have fun. Going to bed - think I had a biiiiit too much soju." Minho graced them with a boozy grin before weaving his way to the building entrance.

"I missed you, hyung." Jongin said as soon as Minho disappeared through the glass doors.

"But you were with me the last three hours, Jonginnie." Junmyeon smiled indulgently and just a little drunkenly at him as Jongin draped his arm around Junmyeon's shoulders. His fair complexion was tinged pink by the alcohol and Jongin thought he'd never looked more handsome, even if he was a little tipsy at the moment.

"You know what I mean. And I'm so used to sleeping beside you I don't know if I know how to do it alone anymore." Jongin sighed as he urged Junmyeon along the quiet, lamplit street, "Coming home kinda sucks, hyung. Let's go back to Busan." Jongin sounded frustrated as his fingers trailed across Junmyeon's lightly.

His arm snaking around Jongin's waist, Junmyeon said, "I miss you too. Maybe you can come over and join me after my parents leave for work?"

"What time do they leave again?" Jongin asked hastily and Junmyeon chuckled, saying they usually left at 7.30 am, which was about ten minutes after Jongin's umma vacated their apartment.

"So we can still kind of go to sleep together and wake up together!"

"You're so silly, Jonginnie." Junmyeon nestled his cheek against Jongin's chest and the younger boy knew Junmyeon was definitely not sober because he would never have snuggled up to him in public otherwise.

"Let's walk, hyung. Clear your head a little. Why'd you drink so much? I swear Sehun and I never saw such a pair of morons."

"It didn't seem like a lot when we were sculling the soju."

"That's because drinking makes you stupid!"

"But Minho wanted me to -"

"And hyung is the biggest moron of them all!" Jongin rolled his eyes. Sehun and him had drunk a few glasses but just enough to get a buzz and then they'd mostly watched scornfully as their two hyungs got more and more inebriated.

"Jongin, don't scold." Junmyeon begged, his gait a little unsteady and Jongin sighed and let up on the nagging. They strolled in silence for about eight minutes before Junmyeon abruptly stopped walking and swayed where he stood.

"Can we just sit down for a while? Or maybe lie down? So sleepy."

"Hyung, there's nowhere to sit and we can't sit down on the sidewalk."

"Too tired to walk, Jonginnie." Junmyeon groaned and Jongin knew there was only one thing left to do. Jongin bent his knees and lowered his back, "Climb on, hyung."

"But I'm too heavy." Junmyeon protested.

"Just climb on, hyung. I don't really want to carry you home in my arms if you pass out while we waste precious time arguing about how you're not too heavy."

Chastened, Junmyeon climbed obediently onto Jongin's back, looping his arms over Jongin's shoulders and collarbones, and wrapping his legs around Jongin's waist instinctively. Once Jongin had secured his arms around the backs of Junmyeon's thighs, the older boy let his legs hang down more comfortably. He was heavier than Jongin expected but Jongin could still carry him without too much effort. And the feel of Junmyeon's body pressing into his back comforted Jongin after a whole day of not being able to really touch him.

"Are you ok, hyung?"

"Yes. I ..." Junmyeon's words trailed off and Jongin felt little shocks of pleasure travel down his nape as Junmyeon rested his mouth on Jongin's skin.

"Hyung?"

"Thank you, Jonginnie. I'm sorry I'm so much trouble." Now his cheek lay against Jongin's nape and Jongin felt him exhale in relief as he clung contentedly to his back.

"Remember all those times you piggybacked me when we were kids?" Jongin asked, suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of nostalgia as he felt the weight of Junmyeon on his back.

"How could I forget? You were such a menace I had to do it so many times," Junmyeon's laugh vibrated against his spine.

"Well I'm glad I can finally return the favor. I never really thanked you for looking out for me when I was a kid. Fixing my wounds, giving me piggyback rides, giving me banana milk when I was sad ... I just ... You were the best hyung." Jongin told himself it had to be the alcohol he'd had earlier that was making him bring up the past and get all sentimental.

"But you were always special to me, Jonginnie. Right from that first time I found you crying outside my apartment. I think I always wanted to look after you. I know I always worried about you. No one else ever made me feel that way. I think I gave away more than a carton of banana milk that first time we met." Junmyeon kissed Jongin's cheek - not caring at all that they were on an open street.

"What else did you give away that day, hyung?" Jongin asked, smiling.

"Jongin, don't make me say embarrassing things just because I'm drunk." Junmyeon buried his face in Jongin's shoulder.

"Hyung, please?" Jongin turned his head so their faces were almost touching and Junmyeon sighed, resting his cheek against Jongin's. His face felt a little numb and his blood was buzzing from the alcohol. But most of all, Junmyeon's head was filled with images of a little boy crying pitifully in the corridor. 

"It was my heart. I think I gave away my heart at the same time I gave away my last bottle of banana milk. It just took me a while to realize it."

"A while? It took you ten years, hyung."

"I know, Jonginnie. I'm sorry it took me so long."

"I'm just glad you didn't reject me after that night with fireflies."

"How could I? I was already half in love with you, I just didn't know it. I'll always be grateful to that firefly for landing on my face or I might have been clueless for another year, maybe two?"

"Or you might never have realized at all and I would have spent a lifetime loving my best friend like some tragic character from a drama."

"Don't be silly, Jongin. I gave away my heart all those years ago so I had to get it back. I love you so much, I hope you know how much." Junmyeon groaned as the words came out of his mouth and cursed the soju for making him so sappy. Luckily Jongin didn't seem to think he was being too cheesy because he didn't burst out laughing.

"I do, hyung. I hope you know how much I love you too." Jongin's hands rose up and his fingers curled around Junmyeon's arms. 

"I know." Junmyeon hoisted himself higher up and leaned forward to kiss Jongin's cheek, before tightening his arms around Jongin. They were quiet for the next few minutes as Jongin walked slowly along the deserted street with Junmyeon clinging to his back. 

He tried to concentrate on taking even steps so that the ride was smoother for Junmyeon and more importantly, so that the front of Junmyeon's body wouldn't rub quite so persistently against his back. He was concentrating hard so he was caught unaware when Junmyeon's lips suddenly came into contact with his cheek. From his cheek, it was just a matter of a few inches before Junmyeon's tongue was traveling behind Jongin's ear. Jongin had been struggling to keep things under control since Junmyeon had wrapped his legs around his waist earlier but he could feel the fragile threads slipping away.

Having the entire length of Junmyeon pressed against him and his breath tantalizing his neck and his ears - all these sensations had been hammering his fragile self control for the last ten minutes. So when Junmyeon's teeth bit down gently on Jongin's ear, the younger boy felt the coiled pleasure travel right to his cock, around the same time he felt Junmyeon's hardness poke against his lower back.

"Hurry, Jongin, hurry." Junmyeon ground his erection against the tense muscles of Jongin's back and he laughed, "What are you trying to do to me, hyung? We were reminiscing about the past. That was safe and not likely to get us arrested for public indecency."

"I think it's because I'm drunk. My brain isn't working too well right now and every step you take jolts me against your back and I can't take it anymore." Jongin chuckled loudly at this and Junmyeon scolded him for mocking his pain. But Jongin wasn't laughing for long because Junmyeon took his revenge by wrapping his legs tightly around Jongin's waist just before he nudged his crotch with his bare heel.

"The best thing about summer is flip flops." Junmyeon announced with satisfaction as he pressed down again with his other heel. Feeling the friction keenly through his thin cotton shorts and boxers, Jongin moaned, "Stop it, hyung. There might be people on the street. Or worse still, in the entrance area."

"Don't care." Junmyeon nuzzled his neck with his nose and his hot mouth and tongue.

"But you worry about everything."

"It must be the soju. The only thing I care about now is getting in your pants." Junmyeon muttered and Jongin had to laugh at that. He was delighted with this naughty side he'd never seen and made a mental note to get his hyung drunk more often.

Jongin let Junmyeon down just before they had to enter the building and once they were inside, Junmyeon surprised Jongin by dragging him into the building stairwell and pushing him against the wall.

"I missed you, Jonginnie." Junmyeon whispered just before he covered Jongin's mouth with his, his kiss laced with desperation and longing and a taste of soju.

"I missed you too, hyung. So much." Jongin pulled him close and their hipbones bumped a little painfully before the intolerable tightness in their groins as they pressed against each other drove every other sensation out.

"But we need to get to my room, hyung. We can't ... not here. Cameras." Fortunately Junmyeon nodded and let himself be led to Jongin's apartment. On Jongin's pale blue bedsheets, they made love as quietly as they could - Jongin capturing Junmyeon's lips whenever the other boy started moaning too loudly. 

After they had climaxed in each other's arms, Junmyeon had fallen asleep almost immediately while Jongin did a quick wipe up. Then he wrapped his bare arms around the slumbering Junmyeon, gazing at the blissful expression on his face. No frown today, he thought as he kissed Junmyeon's forehead. How far they'd come from that first night they'd spent together at the jjimjilbang two years ago. Jongin let him sleep for another fifteen minutes before carefully dressing him in the clothes he had practically ripped off him earlier.

"Hyung," he tried to wake him but Junmyeon was impervious to all attempts to rouse him and Jongin sighed - eventually hoisting him over his shoulder and carrying him to the apartment across the hallway. When he'd tucked him into his bed, he whispered to the sleeping Junmyeon, " _Saranghae_ , hyung. See you in the morning." Then he'd turned and left, his heart heavy and bursting with untold affection for his hyung.

At 7.45 the following morning, a bleary-eyed, wild-haired Jongin hastily pulled last night's shorts over his boxers and donned a t-shirt he'd grabbed from the drawer before leaving his quiet apartment and entering Junmyeon's equally quiet one. Then he was inside a very familiar bedroom and shucking all his clothes off before crawling into Junmyeon's bed. It was warm under the covers and he smiled as he pulled his hyung close and wrapped his arms around his waist and went back to sleep.

Just before he drifted off, Jongin thought to himself, their time in Busan had been perfect, but this was good too …

 

**_CHAPTER 14: Fireflies_ **

Warning: Extremely hazardous levels of fluff and cheese ahead. Please turn back if you have respiratory allergies or lactose intolerance. Thank you.

_Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away._ [Quote from the poem 'B' by Sarah Kay]

**Seoul, 2013**

The rest of the halcyon summer drifted by and the four friends spent hours hanging out together before Junmyeon had to leave for Busan again. But most of all Junmyeon and Jongin cherished their time together. They were careful to not be demonstrative in public apart from the drunken piggyback ride the first night Junmyeon was back in Seoul, and they were especially cautious around their parents who still found the changed nature of their relationship extremely unsettling.

Junmyeon's appa spent a lot of time clearing his throat when Jongin was around the apartment. He'd been a permanent fixture in the Kim family home for more than ten years but everything had changed and clearing his throat and speaking formally with Jongin was apparently the man's own way of dealing with the discomfort.

Junmyeon replayed the conversation he'd had with Appa on the first night. Sternly and loudly - oh God, he had been so loud - Appa had interrogated him on whether he was sure he was gay or whether it was just some kind of phase - something he was experimenting with. Then he'd scolded him for leading those poor girls on. Then he'd bellowed about what those girls would think when they saw him walking around with his new boyfriend, so he'd better be really sure before he started dating openly. Then he'd asked point blank who it was and hadn't seemed at all surprised by Junmyeon's answer. Then he'd very loudly asked if Jongin was the reason his Umma and him had had to leave the comfort of their own home not once but three times, to travel to Busan, which was frankly not his favorite travel destination.

All in all it had been an ear splitting session with his father but it had hurt a lot less than the much calmer conversation he'd had with Umma. The crushing weight of her quiet disappointment had strained his conscience far more than Appa's loud bluster had.

Junmyeon's umma had been really sad for about a week and then she had gone back to treating Jongin as she always had - making him feel like one of their own. The two boys were very relieved that Jongin's umma had had far less trouble adjusting to their situation. But then again, she'd had one and a half years to deal with Jongin being gay. And she already loved Junmyeon so it hadn't taxed her much at all to accept him as her son's boyfriend.

A week before the fall semester was due to start, Junmyeon made preparations to return to Busan and Jongin complained bitterly about the time they would have to spend apart again. But Junmyeon just laughed - saying Jongin probably wouldn't even remember his name once semester started at Hongik University and Jongin met all those handsome young men on campus and around the Hongdae Area.

"That's not funny, hyung."

"I'm just stating a fact. There will be plenty of guys younger and more good looking and not as thin and pale and small as me." Junmyeon smiled a little wistfully.

They were lying beside each other in Junmyeon's bed. It was a weekday afternoon and they'd opted to stay in instead of catching a movie with Minho and Sehun and their respective other halves. Jongin gave a long suffering sigh before he turned over to lie on top of Junmyeon - trapping him with his arms and staring right into his face.

"You know I've had almost five years to change my mind, right? There were just as many hot guys in high school, you stupid hyung. I know what I want and I'm not going to change my mind. I can't believe I'm about to say something this sappy but you're all I need and all I'll ever want." Jongin's forehead touched Junmyeon's, then he sealed his declaration with a deep and almost punishing kiss.

"You owe me big time for making me say something that disgustingly cheesy, hyung." Jongin glared at him and Junmyeon had the decency to look sheepish.

"I'm sorry, Jonginnie. It's not that I don't trust you, I just ... You're just ..." And Junmyeon grabbed a pillow and smothered his face in it as words failed him.

"What are you trying to say, hyung?" Jongin pulled the pillow away to reveal a red faced Junmyeon.

"You're very attractive, Jongin. I'm sure a lot of guys and girls will hit on you when semester starts. Why wouldn't they?"

"Wait, did you just say I'm ...VERY attractive?" Jongin was getting far too much enjoyment out of his discomfort and Junmyeon punched him in the arm. Hard.

"You know I find you good looking Jongin, don't be an asshole about it."

"But you've never admitted anything of the sort."

"Of course, I have!" Junmyeon protested indignantly.

"No. you. haven't. And I've told you lots of times you're beautiful. I should be the one with hangups, not you."

"I thought I'd told you lots of times - I know I always think it. And here you are stuck with pale, skinny me."

"To me, you're just beautiful, hyung." Jongin said just before he kissed his neck and licked his way to his nipples and sucked gently on them. Then he was marking the pale skin around the aureole while Junmyeon gasped with pleasure. By the time Jongin's tongue dipped into Junmyeon's navel, the tip of the older boy's cock had escaped the waistband of his navy blue boxers. Jongin tongued Junmyeon's penis briefly before continuing his efforts to convince Junmyeon that he loved every part of the body he was always so self conscious about. He dropped kisses on the inside of Junmyeon's thighs, his hips, and even his ankle.

"Did I ever tell you I have this thing about your ankles, hyung? That time we were at the jjimjilbang and you had that key bangle around your ankle? It was kinda sexy. So I've kind of had a thing about your ankles since the jjimjilbang."

"What?!"

"Your ankles and wrists. They turn me on, hyung. I can't explain it. That's why I'm always holding on to them whenever I can. I want to buy you some bracelets when I can afford it." Jongin said as he kissed first Junmyeon's wrists and then his slender right ankle.

"They're just really skinny ankles and wrists, Jongin. There's nothing sexy about them."

"That's not true. Anyway, it doesn't matter what you say, I know what I like." Jongin rolled his eyes. "And I don't want to hear any more dumbass remarks about me liking anyone else. It's not ever going to happen. So just stop."

Before Junmyeon could say anything else, Jongin pulled his boxers down and Junmyeon lost himself in the ministrations of his wet, velvety tongue and mouth. His back arching off the mattress, Junmyeon moaned Jongin's name as their fingers interlocked and Jongin's palm pressed into his. At some point Jongin's right hand gripped his cock and began the up and downward movements that made Junmyeon gasp, "Jongin, Jongin, I can't-" But he never finished what he was going to say as Jongin's tongue filled his mouth and his senses ...

Minutes later, when Junmyeon had spilt his come all over Jongin's hand and his own stomach, he had cupped Jongin's cheek, kissed him and said the same words Jongin had whispered in his ear all those weeks ago in Busan, "I want you inside me."

As Jongin slowly eased himself in later, tears pricked Junmyeon's eyes at the sweet sting of penetration. But the tears threatened to fall mostly because Jongin had told him, as he entered him again and again, "I won't leave you, hyung, no matter how many times you try to send me away. It will always be you." When Jongin had come inside him, with Junmyeon's legs wrapped around his hips and backside, the older boy had kissed him feverishly while Jongin continued to caress and worship his body. Junmyeon held his tears at bay as the imprint of Jongin's fingerprints sank into his skin. Indelibly.

After that intense afternoon, Junmyeon never brought up the possibility of Jongin meeting other people again.

* * *

Junmyeon's leaving this time was bittersweet rather than devastating as Jongin knew he would finish his studies soon and return to Seoul permanently. They'd also agreed to visit each other now and then - something Junmyeon had refused to even consider the first time he left.

The night before Junmyeon left, he'd told his parents he would sleep over at Jongin's and they'd nodded awkwardly, avoiding eye contact of any kind. Appa had coughed several times while Junmyeon tried not to shake his head in amusement. It had been so many weeks and his father was still behaving oddly - but at least he hadn't stopped them from being together. Junmyeon knew just how much worse things could have turned out with their parents.

It was a little chilly in Jongin's bedroom so they'd covered themselves with a thin quilt. The lights were off and they lay together in the semi-darkness - knees bent and faces almost touching. Jongin breathed in the masculine scent of Junmyeon's skin, trying to memorize it for the months ahead. Then his finger traced Junmyeon's upper lip, searching by instinct for the tiny mole he knew lay above his lip.

"You won't be here tomorrow." Jongin said softly and Junmyeon said nothing, merely burying his face in Jongin's neck and holding him close.

"I got something for you. It's nothing special but ... it's all I can afford for now. Actually it's two things."

"It's not a matching super loud, super colorful Stussy tie dye pajama set, is it?" Junmyeon teased.

"Hyungggg. You love that shirt, stop pretending." Jongin hit his arm, glaring.

"I do. I love that shirt, I wear it all the time." Junmyeon smiled as his fingers played with Jongin's dark hair. "What did you get me, Jonginnie?" Junmyeon asked as Jongin switched on his table lamp and pulled open the bedside table drawer.

"Give me your hand, hyung," Jongin took his hand and then carefully, he fastened a simple leather bracelet on Junmyeon's right wrist. Made of a few entwined strands of dark brown leather held together by a simple steel clasp, it looked good on Junmyeon's slender wrist.

"It doesn't look girly."

"Of course it doesn't. Why would I get you something that looks girly?" Jongin smacked his arm. Then he moved to the foot of the bed and fastened an identical, larger bracelet on his ankle.

"Guys don't wear bracelets on their ankle, Jongin." Junmyeon's eyebrows shot up uncertainly.

"I really like your ankles."

"They're just skinny ankles."

"No, they're not. Are you going to wear it or not?"

"I'd rather not. But since you got it for me ..." Junmyeon closed his eyes, groaning. And Jongin laughed at his discomfort.

"Ok fine, don't wear it. But will you at least put it on for me sometimes?"

"Yes." Junmyeon's voice was muffled by Jongin's t-shirt as he burrowed into his chest in embarrassment.

"Ok that's good enough for me. But I saved up the money from working part time so you have to at least wear it now and then, hyung."

"That's emotional blackmail."

"Call it what you want." Jongin chuckled.

"I got something for you too."

"Did you get me six months' supply of banana milk?" Jongin asked, mischief in his eyes as he peeled Junmyeon's face from his chest.

"It would serve you right if I did," Junmyeon flicked his forehead.

"Ouch! What the hell, hyung?!"

"You're making me wear an ankle bracelet, you don't get to complain." Junmyeon glared.

"Ok, fine. I won't say anything more. What did you get me?" Jongin gave a loud dramatic sigh and propped his head up as he lay on his side, watching Junmyeon. Reaching for his jeans, which were pooled on the floor next to the bed, Junmyeon removed a pale green drawstring silk pouch from his front pocket. And then Junmyeon was fastening an elegant, matte silver chain link ID bracelet on Jongin's tanned wrist. The flat silver band rested, cool and metallic on Jongin's skin.

"Read the inscription." Junmyeon urged and Jongin flipped the smooth band over. Engraved elegantly on the metal were the Hangul characters _aesekki_ : 애새끼.

"HYUNGGGG! I can’t believe you had _brat_ inscribed, you asshole!" Jongin growled and flung a pillow at him before hugging him tightly as both of them collapsed in laughter.

* * *

**Seoul, 2013 ... One day later**

Staring at the ceiling of his room, Jongin told himself that Junmyeon would return for a visit soon and there was absolutely no reason for him to feel sad. But his heart had never listened to his head much and continued to pulsate with a hollow kind of ache. At least they hadn't cried today when they'd said goodbye to each other at the train station. And he'd managed to go the entire day without shedding a tear. But now that he was lying on his bed and he could smell the subtle scent of Junmyeon clinging to his pillow and his sheets, it was getting harder and harder to not unravel.

Jongin wondered what Junmyeon was doing in Busan and decided he'd text him in ten minutes' time if he hadn't heard from him by then. Two minutes passed before he heard a comical chirp, his phone screen lighting up. It was a Kakao talk notification. Junmyeon had sent him a picture and he clicked on the attachment impatiently. Jongin laughed out loud. It was a selca of Junmyeon's slim ankle, adorned with the leather bracelet Jongin had given him. Then a text came in: _Happy now?_ -_- 

"Assah!" Jongin pumped his fist in the air triumphantly and his handsome features broke into a grin as he began keying in a teasing response - his earlier melancholy dissipating with every word he typed.

 

**_EPILOGUE_ **

**Seoul, 2017**

It was summer. The fireflies were out and Junmyeon and Jongin had decided to make their annual pilgrimage to the campsite near the field with the fireflies. Minho was getting married to Jinri in five weeks and he'd asked both Junmyeon and Jongin to be his groomsmen. Anticipating that the pre-wedding madness would soon reach hysteria levels, they'd decided to take a quick and quiet break from work and life at the campsite. After packing their camping gear and a pair of honey citron jars, Jongin and Junmyeon had left their cosy apartment in Seoul. They had arranged to leave their cats Soju and Makgeolli with a grumbling, much aggrieved Sehun, and a very blithe Luhan. The latter loved cats and had ignored all his partner's protests about what a bother it would be, happily agreeing to adopt the cats for the two days they'd be away.

"I think I'll be able to convince him to take on a cat after this - I mean bettas are nice but they can't cuddle up in your lap like a cat can." Luhan had whispered to Jongin as the latter was putting his Chucks back on at the front door.

"Why even bother to convince Sehun? You should just come home with a cat one day." Jongin had chuckled as he retied his shoelaces.

"Well, I've already forced so much stuff on him he doesn't actually like or want so I thought I'd let him have a say over this one thing." Luhan had said sagely and Jongin had burst into unrestrained laughter - the sound bringing Sehun out of wherever it was he'd been lurking.

"Are you spreading lies about me again?" Sehun had complained coolly.

"I never say anything untrue, Sehun, and Jongin already knows what an asshat you are anyway. He doesn't need any help from me."

"You did not just call me an asshat?" Sehun raised a nonchalant eyebrow.

"I did." Luhan grinned and Sehun shook his head in disbelief at his gall.

"Jongin, please, no more little trips where you have to dump your hairy animals on my doorstep, please."

"Nobody takes their cats camping, Sehun."

"So stop going camping, obviously?"

"Don't whine, Sehun. You know we usually leave the cats with hyung's parents but they're out of town too this weekend. Plus, I think Soju and Mack are a little scared of Hamtaro."

"Why do you guys still go camping anyway? It's like ok when you're a teenager and you can't afford to travel further but you guys keep going back to the same place."

"It's just ... something we do, Sehunnie. Anyway, I gotta go, hyung's waiting in the car. Thanks again! We'll take you guys out for dinner next week. Ahnyong!"

* * *

Two fireflies flew into one of the clear glass jars and Junmyeon was about to put the lid on when Jongin stopped him by binding his arms around Junmyeon's shoulders. "Wait, hyung."

Two fireflies floated aimlessly near and soon they were hovering over the edge of the jar, and then they were bobbing up and down in the jar.

"Do you remember that time we came here with Sehun and Minho? Before you left for Busan? You fed me some BS about how I was a firefly and you wanted me to be free and you didn't want to be the glass jar that held me in?"

Junmyeon nodded in response as he laced his fingers with Jongin's.

"You had it all wrong, hyung. You always had it wrong. You were never the glass jar. I kept trying to tell you but you were such a stubborn ass."

"What am I then?"

"You're a firefly too, hyung. You've been a firefly all along and fireflies belong with each other. Just like those two bugs in the jar right now. Do you see?"

"Yes, Jongin, I see that now." Junmyeon leaned into the taller man's embrace before asking, "Did you know that fireflies are called hotaru in Japanese?"

"No I didn't know that. But why are you telling me the Japanese word for fireflies?" Jongin pushed Junmyeon's fringe out of his eyes and let his hand trail down his cheek and neck before letting it come to a rest, nestled against his left collarbone.

"Well, in Japanese culture, fireflies are a symbol of passionate love." Junmyeon said as he linked his hands together behind Jongin's waist and pulled him close - so close their hipbones were touching and they could breathe in the scent of each other's skin, and the tips of their eyelashes touched.

"That's not very scientific, hyung," Jongin laughed.

"Not everything is about science, Jonginnie." Junmyeon echoed his words from that summer six years ago, on that night with the fireflies when Jongin had taken that first step, and led Junmyeon down the path which had taken them to where they were now.

"Hah! And you mocked me all those years ago because I said fireflies got their glow from being sprinkled with fairy dust." Jongin snorted.

"Well, I learnt the error of my ways. You were right, Jonginnie, not everything is about science." Junmyeon rested his chin on Jongin's broad shoulder. "I was thinking ..."

"Hmm ...?" Jongin said breathily as he kissed Junmyeon's forehead.

"Let's get married." Junmyeon said almost casually and startled, Jongin untangled himself from their embrace so he could see the other man's face, "What?! How can we? Our parents would freak out and you can't even do that in South Korea anyway. That's just ... We can't do that."

"All I need is a yes or no, Jonginnie. Just imagine it's a perfect world - don't worry about the whys. Would you say yes?" Junmyeon looked at Jongin expectantly, and was taken aback when the younger man punched him in the shoulder.

"What kind of stupid question is that?! Of course, yes. It's not like we know how to be with anyone else, anyway."

"You're not being very romantic." Junmyeon chuckled.

"You asked me a very stupid question, hyung, what did you expect?"

Junmyeon just gave him a mysterious look and reached into his jeans pocket, before fishing out a small, black box and Jongin felt his heartbeat speed up as Junmyeon carefully opened up the square velvet lid. Inside, sitting on a bed of pale gray velvet, were identical platinum bands. Jongin couldn't speak as Junmyeon slowly removed one of the rings and asked him to read the inscription. It was a kanji character which Jongin didn't recognize: 螢.

"What is it, hyung?"

"I had it inscribed on both the rings. It's _hotaru_ , the Japanese word for firefly."

"Hyung, I ..." Jongin was at a loss for words as images flashed through his mind of idyllic summer evenings when he and Junmyeon had gone firefly hunting near their apartment building. Then he saw himself in this field, carefully picking the firefly off Junmyeon's face while Junmyeon watched him with anxious eyes. Next, he saw the two of them lying together in this same field as Jongin had told Junmyeon he loved him for the first time. And then he was back in the present where they stood together, with the fireflies bobbing luminously above them - just as they had those other two times.

"Let's just do it now. We don't need to be in a church or a registry office. We just need to be married in our hearts and the fireflies can be our witness. This was where we began, Jongin, so I think it's the perfect place for us to do this." Then, taking Jongin's hands in his, Junmyeon said solemnly, "Will you marry me, Kim Jongin?"

"I can't believe you just planned all this without telling me! You made me cry, you stupid hyung." Jongin's eyes were brimming with tears now and he rubbed them away with the back of his hand as he glared at Junmyeon. "You can't do that! You can't just do things like this without warning people!"

"Do you need more time? I can ask you again next year if you need more time?"

"That's not funny." Jongin shoved his shoulder, a frustrated expression on his face.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes! Yes it's a yes! You stupid, stupid hyung." Jongin's tears were flowing unchecked now as he grabbed Junmyeon and kissed him with all the emotion threatening to burst out of his chest.

"I was expecting a more romantic answer, Jonginnie, one which didn't include the words 'stupid hyung' in it but I'll take it." Junmyeon's eyes were now wet with tears too, as he stroked Jongin's cheek affectionately.

Attracted by the sounds Jongin and Junmyeon were making, the fireflies had flown nearer and now hovered above them - creating a spellbinding, glowing cloud of lights. Silently, Junmyeon slid the platinum ring over Jongin's left ring finger and placed a lingering kiss on his lips. Then Jongin reached for the other ring and watched, his heart in his eyes, as the simple platinum band slid over Junmyeon's right ring finger.

"Always, Jonginnie."

"Always, hyung."

Junmyeon's fingers curled around Jongin's nape and pulled his head down, their lips coming together in unspoken yearning and longing. The fireflies paid no mind to the two figures in their midst and continued to dance and float, leaving glimmering trails around them as they ignited the warm summer night with their glow.

 

**_`fin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Do check out the sequel oneshot to BTY called [sweater weather](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6645505)


End file.
